I was almost a helicopter parent, but slowly giving my kids more independence is working wonders for their self-reliance
As a dad of two kids, ages 5 years and 18 months, helicopter parenting can be easy to fall into.
I catch myself constantly trying to protect them from hypothetical dangers.
However, I'm learning to let the kids figure out and do things for themselves.
You know those Terminator movies, when Arnold Schwarzenegger walks into a room and starts immediately assessing potential threats with his cybernetic vision and AI? As a parent of two young kids, ages 5 years and 18 months, I'm exactly like that.
I walk into a restaurant, and my "danger radar" kicks into overdrive. Sharp knife here. Teapot of scalding beverage there. Go to a friend's house, and I can see nothing but finger-teasing electrical outlets, acute, head-splitting corners, and breakable objects full of artery-severing shards within easy reach.
My life is full of child-endangering worries. Like if we're eating grapes, my intrusive thoughts ponder an uncut grape that manages to roll onto the floor and later find itself clogging the throat of my 18-month-old son. Or when my eldest walks around with a pencil in hand, and I imagine her slipping and impaling herself.
I didn't worry like this when I was younger
These safety-obsessive thoughts once felt so alien to me. When I was younger, I threw caution to the wind by subjecting my body to all sorts of risky activities, bequeathing me with various scars and unresolved funny noises in my bones. Now, however, as a parent, and with a fully matured fear response, the palpable tension I get when I see a toy car left on a hallway floor or a knife that's placed precariously close to a countertop edge can be almost unbearable.
It's so easy to want to shield our children from danger and harm — that's the most natural instinct as a parent. I certainly don't want them covered in the same scars I grew up with.
But we're in an age when we can access so many studies on parenting, and championing well-being and mental health has never been so in the limelight as it is right now. Some studies have shown that over-parenting, also known as helicopter parenting, may have links to child anxiety and depression, and children generally develop problems with coping when they hit unexpected hurdles or things don't go the way they want.
This style of parenting also has links to lower self-esteem and confidence. After all, how can children cope with future failures and setbacks when their parents are no longer in the picture, influencing things at every angle in the background and foreground for the sake of short-term safety?
As a middle child growing up in an Asian family, I certainly experienced a fair dose of helicopter parenting — at least until my younger sister was born, anyway. I was 10 at the time, and she was the first girl in the family, so all the attention was suddenly focused on her after being on me for a decade. After that, it gave me the space to learn things on my own and be independent and adaptable.
I believe that if we, as parents, can train and nurture our kids to be just that little bit "better" than we are — or at least let them figure that bit for themselves — we're on the right track.
I'm trying to course-correct and give my kids more independence
So instead, I'm giving my eldest more independence. She's even helped me with meal prep using plastic knives, and we're going to start cooking, with her helping stir meals on the stove. I'll let my youngest navigate the stairs on his own, with me half a dozen steps below, offering encouragement. He's also getting fairly adept with using tools like forks and pencils.
I still catch myself directing or micromanaging my kids or doing things for them that they can do independently, particularly when time is against us. But being aware of my own attitudes and behaviors is half the battle, and I'm slowly giving them more tasks to make them more self-reliant while offering the time and patience to answer their many questions.
It'll be hard, and there will no doubt be temper tantrums and tears when things don't go my kids' way, but my partner and I will be there to help support them and build those crucial resilience and critical thinking skills that'll set them up for life.
Read the original article on Business Insider
