I Barely Escaped My Abusive Marriage. If JD Vance Had His Way, I'd Still Be Trapped There.
On the morning of our divorce, my husband was not fazed one bit. In typical “steamroller” fashion — the term I used for his belief that he could always manipulate his way into getting what he wanted — he accosted me as I walked toward the courtroom doors.
“You don’t have to do this, hon,” he pleaded, like a last-ditch love scene out of a rom-com. But this time I didn’t fall for it.
“Yes, I do,” I replied coldly. “And I will.” Then, I strode into the courtroom and finalized our divorce.
If you’re wondering why I didn’t give him a second chance — I had. He’d actually gotten a second, third, fourth and more, because it takes the average abuse victim seven tries before they leave for good. It’s part of the “cycle of abuse”: when perpetrators are so bent on power and control, they’ll pull out all the stops to woo you back every time you try to flee. Trust me, they can be very convincing.
One time, my ex whisked me off to a luxury hotel and presented me with a 10-page document detailing how he was going to change. Another time, he begged me to go back to marriage counseling with a new professional (our fourth). And then there was the time he withdrew all the money from our joint bank account, leaving me trapped. I’ll never forget that moment when the bank teller printed the statement to prove it. “I’m sorry, ma’am, the balance is zero,” she said as the room spun, and I thought I might pass out.
My therapist urged me to go, one marriage counselor broke with protocol and privately warned me about staying any longer, and my divorce attorney sent me directly to the local abused women’s shelter. But for victims, it takes resources like money, a place to stay, safety for your children and a support network to make what often seems impossible possible. I had to stockpile money here and there, getting cash back when grocery shopping, before I was able to break free.
I was lucky that I had the choice to leave my marriage. Before Ronald Reagan ushered in no-fault divorce in 1969 during his time as California’s governor, every state required spouses to prove “fault” to obtain a divorce. After California, other states followed suit, with New York being the last in 2010. Thanks to these no-fault divorce laws, I was able to leave my marriage without the additional barriers of having to prove infidelity, drug or alcohol abuse, abandonment, intolerable cruelty, mental illness or that my husband was incarcerated. Without no-fault divorce, many more women would be trapped in the kind of domestic hell I experienced.
There’s a growing movement among conservative, self-described “pro-family” types who want to get rid of no-fault divorce. Some have complained, as Republican vice presidential candidate JD Vance did in comments made in 2022, that people have gotten used to swapping “spouses like they change their underwear,” resulting in “a lot of very, very real family dysfunction that’s making our kids unhappy.” (Despite his criticisms, Vance has not introduced legislation to end no-fault divorce.) And House Speaker Mike Johnson, a Republican from Louisiana, has called no-fault divorce a “scheme” and blamed it for our country’s “completely amoral society.” In 2016, he delivered a sermon blasting no-fault dissolutions for undermining religious foundations.
In 2023, the Louisiana Family Forum, a conservative nonprofit group whose stated mission is to “strengthen the well-being, health, and safety of Louisiana families,” supported the state’s Republican Party there to consider a resolution reinstituting fault divorce. In Oklahoma, pastor and state Sen. Dusty Deevers filed a bill that would end faultless dissolutions. GOP platforms in Nebraska and Texas also propose ending no-fault divorce.
Men’s rights groups like the National Center for Men support the movement, stating on its website: “‘No fault’ divorce has become a disaster, mostly for men, since most break-ups are initiated by women.” It’s true that 69% of divorcesare filed by women. It’s also true that almost a quarter of divorces — 24% — cite domestic abuse as the reason.
As a divorce coach now who helps abused women across the country assess their resources, strategize and create a plan to reach safety, I know abolishing no-fault divorce is dangerous and irresponsible. It would make women jump through more hoops by requiring them to “prove” they have a right to leave. It would also exacerbate a broken family court system many call an “abuser’s playground.” Coercive controllers have a playbook, and weaponizing our legal system against their spouse to financially, physically and emotionally decimate them is part of it.
The process of corroborating “fault” can be extremely difficult, not to mention time-consuming, expensive and marked by stress and conflict. Many abusers are master manipulators who have second phones and hidden accounts; they often turn the tables on victims, even calling the police to claim their partners attacked them. Their go-to response is deny, deny, deny. Proving “fault” is an uphill battle for all victims, especially when perpetrators often have more financial power.
“The government should do everything in its power to support victims and survivors in their journey to a life without abuse, rather than create additional barriers that put them and their families at greater risk,” said Ruth Glenn, president of Survivor Justice Action and formerly CEO of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. “Eliminating no-fault divorce will only embolden abusive spouses with another tool to exert control and further abuse and harass their partner.”
Through my work, I know hundreds of women who have experienced this. Cindy, who didn’t want to use her real name, told me: “My ex-husband threatened to kill me and pinned me down on my bed in front of our kids. When I went to dial 911, he said, ‘Go ahead and call the police. Do you think they’re really going to believe you?’” Cindy’s divorce lasted over three years. Her husband controlled all the money, which is common since financial abuse is a key part of coercive control.
Getting rid of no-fault divorce would be devastating for not just female victims but their children, too.
“I had a substantiated child abuse case against him, including four criminal charges and restraining order violations, but the judge and other professionals were still pushing for him to have 50-50 custody. Without no-fault divorce, it would only get worse,” she said, adding that abusers will have even more power if women are forced to stay married.
Research demonstrates the benefits of faultless dissolutions.
“Restricting access to getting divorced would lead to a range of worse outcomes,” said Justin Wolfers, a professor of public policy and economics at the University of Michigan. A 2003 study he did with Betsey Stevenson, a fellow University of Michigan economics professor who served as former President Barack Obama’s chief economist, showed that changes in divorce law that increased access to divorce led to a decrease in domestic violence, suicide and spousal homicide for women.
“If a husband was abusive and we were in a full consent divorce world [requiring consent from both sides], that would mean the wife would be trapped in this situation forever,” Wolfers said.
It seems like that’s exactly what some conservatives want. Right-wing commentators like Steven Crowder and Matt Walsh have been vocal about their contempt for no-fault divorce. After a leaked video clip of Crowder berating and reprimanding his wife to be “disciplined” went viral, Crowder announced on his podcast, “I’ve been living through what has increasingly been a horrendous divorce … no, this was not my choice. My then-wife decided that she didn’t want to be married anymore, and in the state of Texas that is completely permitted.”
Let’s hope that doesn’t change. I believe that the ability to get a divorce is a human right.
My husband told me I would never be able to leave. “You will never make it without me,” he said, predicting that I couldn’t survive as a single mom. Guess what? I’m still here. Today, I coach women (and a few men) across the country on how to escape situations like the one I was in, plus navigate our family court system.
My clients come from all racial, socioeconomic and geographic backgrounds because domestic abuse doesn’t discriminate. I hope you never find yourself in the situation I was in. But if you do, I want you to have the right to walk through those courtroom doors too — and walk out with your freedom.
Amy Polacko is a divorce coach, journalist and single mom who lives in Connecticut. She is co-author of the book “FRAMED: Women in the Family Court Underworld” with Dr. Christine M. Cocchiola that contains the cautionary tales of 22 domestic abuse victims who have faced nightmare divorce and custody cases.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
