The Biggest Signs That Your Closest Friendship Is Actually Codependent, According To Therapists
You should be able to count on your friends to aid you through a crisis—whether it’s navigating a painful breakup, moving to a new city, or deciding whether you should opt for pumpkin pie or Taylor Swift’s chai sugar cookies for your work’s holiday potluck. At the same time, it’s your duty as a friend to be there for them beyond the parts that are light and fun. But codependent friendships are ones where one or both friends abuse these roles, emotional reliance gets out of hand, and boundaries are nowhere to be found.
Codependent friendships can manifest in different ways. “Historically, what we've been referring to when we talked about codependency was a pattern of behavior, usually in a family system between someone who is dealing with an addiction,” says Alexandra Stratyner, PhD, a psychologist based in New York.
But codependent relationships don’t just exist between family members. Whether they’re relatives, friends, or romantically involved, a person who is codependent on another person might feel like they can’t survive without their advice or approval, says Stratyner. The support-seeker might call or text the supporter while they’re at work, and the supporter might drop everything they’re doing to come to their friend’s aid. Because of this, codependent friendships can often feel emotionally (and at times, physically) exhausting.
However, codependent friendships can happen even when both friends take on the supporter and support-seeker roles equally, says Stratyner. In these dynamics, one or both friends lack boundaries and become enmeshed in each other’s lives in a way that drains their energy or abuses their friend’s threshold for emotional support. They might keep checking their phone during a date, leave hangouts with others prematurely, or disregard other relationships to be at the beck and call of their codependent friend.
Meet the experts: Alexandra Stratyner, PhD, is a psychologist based in New York. Sanam Hafeez, PhD, is a psychotherapist and the founder and director of Comprehend the Mind.
The constant need for emotional reinforcement can damage the friendship, causing one friend to feel immense pressure to be on call for emotional reassurance while the other dumps on them with little to no regard for their friend’s emotional bandwidth, says Straytner. But codependent friendships don’t always start off that way. It might feel sweet and intimate to be so attached at the hip with a best friend—but there comes a point where one or both friends become too reliant on the other.
If taken far enough, a codependent bond won’t just impact your relationship with the other person—it can even interfere with your mental health and other relationships, too. So, how can you identify unhealthy traits, and what should you do if you find yourself in a codependent friendship? Ahead, therapists explain.
The Biggest Signs Of A Codependent Friendship
1. You can't do anything without the other person's approval or validation.
If you struggle with making decisions without your friend, the relationship might be codependent. And to be clear, this goes beyond just caring what they think. “There's a lot of sort of you know a need for validation or reassurance where one person is part of your other relationships or even decision-making at work,” says Sanam Hafeez, PhD, a psychotherapist and founder of Comprehend the Mind.
Sure, getting your friend’s opinion on the person you’re dating—or caring what they think about you taking a job offer in a different city—is one thing. But feeling like you need their approval or making personal decisions based on what they say or think can be a huge red flag.
2. The relationship is emotionally one-sided.
Leaning on your friend for emotional support is part of the job description—but it can take on a codependent tone if you feel like the support is one-sided. “A person who is engaging in a relationship in a way that might be characterized as codependent is relying on their friend for emotional support in a way that's not being reciprocated,” says Stratyner. This can feel like being there for your friend constantly, but they seem to make a habit of being absent or aloof when it comes time for you to seek the same emotional support.
“Obviously, in friendships, one of the things that we do in loving friendships is try to take care of one another,” says Stratyner. “But this might feel like, ‘More is being asked of me than I can reasonably provide,’” especially if you’re not getting that same care in return.
3. There's a feeling of resentment.
In codependent friendships, it’s not unusual for there to be a point where one person feels a sense of bitterness. For example, if you’re at a party together but your friend makes it impossible for you to branch out and meet new people, you might resent them for a missed opportunity for connection. Or say, your friend’s needs are interfering with your job because you’re glancing at your phone while you’re in a meeting—if you get called out by your boss, feeling agitated toward your friend is a valid reaction.
Often, this resentment can also stem from the one-sidedness of your codependent relationship. You might feel like, “I am giving a lot to this relationship, but I'm not sure that I'm getting much in return,” says Stratyner. What does “getting” mean in this context? Usually, time and support. “In friendships, there are lots of different things that we can receive from friendships. Emotional support can play an important role in friendship,” says Stratyner. If your friend is overstepping your needs and solely focusing on theirs, frustration can build.
4. You feel like you're walking on eggshells to protect their feelings.
Oftentimes, a dependent friend has a tendency to feel betrayed or abandoned, says Hafeez. So, they might feel threatened or make you feel guilty if they feel like they’re leaving them behind—even if you’ve just made plans with a different friend, or you aren’t answering their texts in a timely manner.
“That person immediately sees that as rejection, so it [leads to] this constant feeling that you are on your tippy-toes around this person,” says Hafeez. “That can be very exhausting and then stop feeling like a friendship.” You might start overthinking every move, and feel “a need to perform for this friend,” Hafeez adds.
5. There's a lack of boundaries (or, a disregard for established boundaries).
All relationships require personal boundaries. Not working past your 9-5 hours is an example of a boundary at work; needing alone time for a few hours a day in a romantic relationship is another one. In a codependent friendship, boundaries are either not set up or disregarded. For example, you might agree not to talk during working hours, but your phone still goes off throughout the day with texts from your codependent friend.
“Let's say your friend is constantly talking about your ex and you say, ‘I am really working on getting over him and not talking about him. When you bring him up, it kind of triggers me a little bit, so can we cool it?’” says Hafeez. Even after setting this boundary, a codependent friend might feel like nothing should be off-limits in your relationship—so, they could get defensive or ignore your request to bring them up, causing you to feel disrespected.
6. You feel constantly overwhelmed.
Friendships aren’t always light and fun—sometimes you’ll feel anxious, pressured, or sad hearing about your friend’s stressful situation. This is normal! But if you’re feeling overwhelmed or even dread as soon as you get a phone call from your friend because you’re expecting the conversation to weigh on you, it might be a sign that you’re in a codependent friendship.
“The degree of support that one friend is asking for is leading to the other friend feeling almost burnt out, exhausted by what the friend who needs support needs from the friendship,” says Stratyner. If you’re always feeling tired rather than energized, it might be time to step away for a bit or reevaluate the friendship’s future.
So your friendship is codependent—here’s what to do next.
If you find yourself resonating a little too much with these signs, don’t fret! You can mitigate the behaviors and move forward with a healthy friendship by identifying the problem, understanding your boundaries, and making simple changes—i.e., having check-ins with your friend before you seek support from them, in case it might not be the best time.
The first thing to do is understand the importance of boundaries, and then set them with your friend. “At its heart, the notion of boundaries is simply saying, like, ‘Hey, there are things being asked of me that at times make me feel overwhelmed. Here's how I feel I can show up for you. and here are some ways in which, while I care a lot about you, it may be harder for me to show up, but I want to be able to support you,’” says Stratyner.
While one person might be the perpetrator of codependency, if there isn’t clear communication or boundaries set up, the other friend could be enabling the behavior—so it’s up to both people to break the cycle. One thing you could do to fully understand the problem, per Hafeez, is to work out the part you play in the relationship. “Identify the patterns in [yourself] that are creating this bond or that are creating this reciprocal relationship, and start to work on what [you] can work on,” she says.
Maybe you allow or downplay certain behaviors in order to protect a friend’s feelings, or feel like it might destroy the friendship if you speak out about its effect on your mental health. Rather than pointing your finger, using “I” statements explaining the impact of the friendship and how you legitimize the behavior—like taking a call at work or abandoning your priorities instead of sticking to your boundaries—can set you up for a proactive conversation.
If you’re the friend who’s perpetrating the behavior, you might want to say something like, “I was maybe leaning on you too much and I don't think I want that kind of friendship I want to enjoy my time with you you're not my therapist and I want to correct this pattern,” says Hafeez. Because our attachment style extends to all relationships in our lives, taking the leap to seek support from a therapist could be a great way to unlearn codependent tendencies.
A few easy ways to mend this pattern are to check in with your friend to make sure it’s an appropriate time to vent and express gratitude for their support, especially during emotionally heavy moments, says Hafeez. Since codependent friendships often feel one-sided, you’ll also want to remember that companionship is a two-way street. “A friendship relies on reciprocity,” says Hafeez. “[This means your friend] remembering things like your doctor's appointment that you were worried about—[or saying,] ‘I know this is a tough week for you, so let me know if you want to talk.’” This can help both parties feel heard and respected, as well as mitigate feelings of resentment.
It should be noted that while remedying codependent or toxic behaviors in a friendship can be a great way to strengthen that relationship, there are times when negotiating just *isn’t* the answer. One of these situations is if that friend has become abusive in any sort of way. “If it's physical abuse at any time, but also emotional or psychological abuse, that would be a time to step away,” says Stratyner.
One form of psychological abuse you might want to look out for is gaslighting. For example, if your friend downplays your emotions, flat-out denies something that was said or done, or calls you crazy, they’re attempting to evade responsibility, even at the cost of your own feelings and experience during the interaction. “Leading someone to believe—or trying to convince someone into believing—that what they're experiencing isn't real or valid, that would be an example of psychological abuse,” Stratyner explains. If that’s the case, it might be time to decide whether the relationship is right for you.
It can be difficult to discern codependency in a friendship, especially if you consider this person to be a best friend you tell everything to. But there’s a fine line between caring what they think and feeling like you can’t make decisions or go anywhere without them. If you feel like you can’t survive without being in constant contact with them, feel like the friendship is negatively affecting your mental health, or notice it’s taking away from your ability to truly enjoy the friendship, having the tough conversations may be worth saving a valuable friendship. If not, it’s okay to let go and cultivate a healthy friendship elsewhere.
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