'I Blink Away Tears:' Read an Excerpt from “Meet Ella: The Dog Who Saved My Life” by James Middleton

In an exclusive excerpt from his new memoir, James Middleton offers a raw and poignant look into his mental health journey and the challenges of royal life

James Middleton opens up about his struggle with depression, life within the royal orbit and how his beloved dog, Ella, saved his life in his emotional new memoir.

In Meet Ella: The Dog Who Saved My Life (out Sept. 24), James, the younger brother of Kate Middleton, shares how Ella helped him survive his darkest moments, including a night in 2017 when he nearly succumbed to his suicidal thoughts.

Ella was by James' side during life’s pivotal events—from his sister’s royal wedding to Prince William and Christmases with the late Queen Elizabeth, to even playing matchmaker, introducing him to his wife, Alizee Thevenet, 35. The couple’s son, Inigo, born just months after Ella’s passing, will turn one in October.

“It took me on a journey,” Middleton says of writing his book. “I hope that my son is able to learn about his own mental health way before I did so that he doesn’t have to go through some of the very painful moments that I went through.”

Read an exclusive excerpt below.

In November 2017, Middleton faces his darkest moment, standing on his roof and contemplating jumping.

I glance down the ladder again. Ella has not moved. Her brown eyes are still staring intently at me, soulful and pleading, and as my gaze locks on hers again, my brain quiets. In that instant, I know I will not jump. What would happen to Ella if I died? How long would she wait alone in the flat for someone to find her? I have loved her with every bit of my being since she was a tiny, sightless newborn pup. She has been my companion, my hope, my support through my darkest days. She has loved me unconditionally, faithfully. At night, when sleep eludes me, she is there on the bed beside me, willing me through the bleak pre-dawn hours. Even when I have not felt the labour of living is worth the effort, I take her for walks and feed her. She gives me purpose, a reason to be. How can I contemplate leaving her now? What would she do without me? Suddenly I realise that in the chill of the winter air I am shivering in my pyjamas. It is as if, for a second, reality has intruded. I haul myself back from the brink, slowly climb down the ladder and stroke Ella’s silky head. She is the reason I do not take that fatal leap. She is Ella, the dog who saved my life.

James adjusts to life in the royal spotlight.

There was no official guidance from the Palace about how we should behave, but William would make useful suggestions. And his constant mantra was, ‘Be careful.’There were times when I got things wrong. I posted a photo of myself wearing a polka-dot dress one Halloween, and someone somewhere got it into their head that it was Catherine’s dress. It wasn’t. It belonged to a friend. No harm was done on that occasion, but I started to be more circumspect about the photos I shared. And I realised how even the most trivial stories assumed disproportionate importance.

Prince William is welcomed into the Middleton family.

By now, William has been dating Catherine for six years, so I know him well and there is no frantic scurry to clear up when he comes to supper, but I do remember putting him through his paces when I first met him. Did he deserve my sister? He had to earn my trust. It helps of course that he is so genuinely fond of Ella. When he first encountered her as a tiny puppy at Bucklebury, he was smitten. He’d had a black Labrador, Widgeon, when he was a boy, and when he died he left an empty space. I felt William was pining for a dog when Ella was around. I know, too, that Ella gives him a good excuse to escape the fiercely competitive nature of the Middleton family, which emerges every time we play our favourite fast-paced card game, racing demon. It involves multiple decks of playing cards and is often described as a more cut-throat form of patience or solitaire. Our family have enjoyed it for generations. …William flinches at our ruthless determination to win at all costs. He’s delighted to be the first out, and when no longer compelled to take part, he slinks off to cuddle Ella. I think he’d prefer to absent himself from the game entirely. ‘James, does Ella need a walk?’ he asks before we’ve even started dealing the cards. My sisters and I exchange a knowing glance: William, for all the competitive rigour of his military training, is happy to be a loser at cards.

Bonding with Queen Elizabeth.

All the way up to Norfolk I’d been rehearsing my lines, muttering ‘ Your Majesty’ for the Queen; ‘Your Royal Highness’ for the Duke of Edinburgh. But in my blind panic I blurted: ‘I’m so sorry we’re late, Your Royal Majesty.’ I heard a snort of laughter from William and looked past the Queen to see him sniggering. ‘Oh, how lovely to see you, James,’ she smiled. I’d met her several times, notably at my sister’s wedding, of course, and she was always welcoming. ‘You must be hungry. Make sure you have something to eat,’ she went on serenely as she continued her regal progress out of the room. I blushed fiercely and peered into the drawing room to see the whole family grinning at me….Whenever we visited Sandringham, the Queen, being a dog-lover herself, welcomed Ella, and one year after Christmas, Tilly and Zulucame too. Her Majesty was always concerned about their well-being, and knowing the special place Ella held in my heart, she allowed her unprecedented privileges. ‘Did you get my message, James?’ she asked me the first time I visited. ‘Ella is welcome to stay in your room.’ I couldn’t contain my surprise and delight. How thoughtful of the Queen to make a special concession for Ella.

James' parents and sisters support him at his therapy sessions.

So we start with my parents. I begin to open up to them, to tell them about the therapy, the problems that began early in my boyhood. They attend two sessions with me but remain bewildered, full of questions I cannot answer. Their prevailing mood is regret. ‘If only we’d known how you felt . . .’ they say. I tell them not to reproach themselves. When I was at school, there was no one to diagnose ADD, no resources; scant awareness of it. How could they have known about it? It takes them some time to grasp the complex machinations of my mind, to get on the right wavelength. Catherine and Pippa come on board, and they understand straight away. They come to a session with me, and the fact that they are here, wanting so much to help me, makes me burst into tears. I did not tell even Dr Pereira how closely my thoughts had wandered towards suicide. It is he who, with my consent, now talks to my sisters, simply because I find it so hard to articulate what has been going on in my mind. It is the first time they become aware of the extent of my struggles. They listen and learn. Catherine has already done a lot of work with the mental health charity Heads Together, and she asks Dr. Pereira some pertinent questions. She understands so much. I’m overwhelmed. I feel such gratitude and admiration for her, for her knowledge and compassion. And my confidence is growing.

James introduces his newborn son Inigo to his family.

My sisters both have huge grins on their faces. It takes them back to the days when their firstborns were as tiny as their new nephew. ‘Welcome to parenthood,’ they say. We are an affectionate and close-knit family and there are lots of hugs and laughter. Catherine and Pippa bring two big suitcases of hand-me-down clothes, so Inigo’s cupboards are full of sweet little outfits his cousins–even the girls–have worn. We look at them and think, ‘Aren’t they enormous? It’ll be months before he’s wearing these.’ We don’t realise that he will grow so fast he’ll fit them in a blink. We’re deluged with advice from my sisters, but we muddle through in our own way, sometimes getting things right, sometimes wrong. During this first visit to my parents’, I’m keen to show Inigo where Ella lies in the garden with Tilly and Mini. So we wrap him up snugly and I take him to her grave. It is a tender moment–and its poignancy still catches me–because I think back again to how far I have come. My life was once so full of torment I felt suicidal. Only Ella gave me cause to keep living. She brought about this wonderful transition in me, from despair to hope. Today I have a wife and son I adore because of her. I never thought such a transformation could happen in my life–and it is all because of my Ella. I touch the picture of her in my pocket and blink away tears.

From Meet Ella: The Dog Who Saved My Life by James Middleton. Published by Pegasus Books. © James Middleton. Reprinted with permission.

Meet Ella: The Dog Who Saved My Life is out Sept. 24 in the U.S.

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