Chemsex killed my kind and caring son
We explore the terrifying world of chemsex where vulnerable gay men are being lured into a dark world that’s tearing lives apart. Katy Regan reports.
Trigger warning: contains graphic descriptions of sex, drug use, addiction and death.
One evening in October 2021, Omar*’s youngest son called to tell him that his middle son Malik* was missing. "He was meant to be at work," says Omar. "But nobody could get hold of him." A&E departments and friends were phoned but with no luck.
The next morning, Omar received the call every parent fears: Malik, 27, had been found dead on the bathroom floor of a house in north London.
"All we knew at that point was that it was drugs-related," says Omar, who is in his 50s and divorced. “I had no idea my son was even using drugs. Everyone was just in disbelief as to how this could have happened.”
Malik was openly gay and, as far as Omar knew, in a loving relationship with his male partner, whom he’d lived with for about seven years and hoped to marry. "My son was a responsible, kind and caring young man," says Omar. "He was a successful artist, working in a West End gallery."
Leading a double life
Through the police investigation and subsequent inquest it became clear that Malik had been leading a double life, involved in the world of 'chemsex'.
Chemsex, defined as 'sexual activity that happens while under the influence of drugs… with the purpose of sustaining, enhancing, disinhibiting or facilitating the experience,' mainly affects and involves men who have sex with men.
Taking drugs to enhance sex is nothing new, but it is the highly dangerous and unpredictable nature of the illegal, Class A drugs involved in chemsex – mainly GHB, methamphetamine (aka crystal meth) and mephedron (aka ‘miaow, miaow’) – and the risky behaviours involved that mean men like Malik are losing, or ruining, their lives.
My son was a responsible, kind and caring young man. He was a successful artist, working in a West End gallery.
A deadly cocktail
"These drugs make you feel confident and highly sexual," says Ignacio Labayen de Inza, chief executive of the charity Controlling Chemsex, which he set up in 2020 to provide online support to those struggling. "Self-esteem soars. You feel invincible and euphoric, which leads to poor decision-making and unsafe sex."
The drugs also increase touch sensitivity and can help with psychosexual issues such as premature ejaculation and loss of libido. All these factors combined, it’s not difficult to see why they’re so popular – but they're also fraught with risk.
"With chemsex, we're not talking about going to a club, having a bit of cocaine, then meeting someone and having sex," says Labayen de Inza. "This is about calling your dealer, because you plan to have chemsex, getting a bit of this and that [a cocktail of drugs] then going on [the gay hook-up app] Grindr to see who you can find to join you for a chemsex party."
"You don’t know who you're going to meet – they might be a stranger, they might be paranoid and dangerous. These drugs can bring unexpected effects too. You can accidentally overdose because you took something half an hour ago and it was so powerful, you can’t remember taking it and so you take some more, without waiting enough time in between."
These drugs make you feel confident and highly sexual. You feel invincible and euphoric, which leads to poor decision-making and unsafe sex.
Worryingly, chemsex addiction is on the rise. "The global statistics are very concerning," says substance abuse and sex addiction counsellor, Mell McCracken, pictured below. "A review, analysing global trends in chemsex addiction published in 2019 (covering the period 2010-2018), found that since 2010, there’s been nearly a 30% rise in chemsex addiction.
"Then a second more recent study, covering 2016-2024, found a 50% increase in individuals seeking help for chemsex addiction. Over this eight-year period, there has also been a significant rise in the availability of specialised treatment options for chemsex addiction too."
A nationwide problem
Chemsex isn't just happening in London, but all over the UK and to people of all socio-economic backgrounds and ages, including young, newly 'out' gay men, husbands, retired men and men who aren’t openly gay.
Matthew Fuller, a care coordinator and chemsex specialist advisor at Controlling Chemsex, says there are various reasons for this, namely the isolation that happened during the pandemic. "This isolation, mental health struggles and the pressure to engage in risky sexual practices all created a perfect storm, making chemsex a significant public health issue," he explains.
Malik’s pathology report revealed a cocktail of drugs including ketamine. What ultimately caused his death, though, was an overdose of crystal meth, the acute toxic effects of the drug causing his organs to malfunction.
There seemed to be this idea that my son was a working class, mixed-race gay guy, who through his own misadventure, had lost his life.
Omar says the initial theory was that Malik must have been lured to the flat or given the drugs against his will. But when no foul play was found, the investigation became about going through his phone records to find out why he was at the address in north London.
The family were unhappy by the police's progress on the case and "sensed the investigation was fraught with homophobia and racism," says Omar. "There seemed to be this idea that Malik was a working class, mixed-race gay guy, who through his own misadventure, had lost his life, like, 'Oh well, men like him bring it on themselves.'"
Uncovering the truth
It became apparent that on the night before Malik died (a Saturday) he'd taken a cab to a flat in north London. The flat belonged to a man twice his age whom he’d been involved in chemsex with for several years. They’d bought crystal meth beforehand then, once at the flat, the two men went searching on Grindr, trying to find other men to join them, eventually being joined by one other man on the Sunday.
"Malik had felt unwell, so they had put him in the bath," says his father Omar. "When he still felt ill, they had taken him out of the bath – and that’s where he was found dead, on the bathroom floor, with a towel over him. It was devastating to learn this was the way my son had died. I'd never even heard of chemsex. Everything I found out about his life came out in the inquest. When police attended the address, the owner of the flat was heavily intoxicated and 'babbling'."
It was devastating to learn that this was the way my son died. I'd never even heard of chemsex. Everything I found out about his life came out in the inquest.
It emerged in court that Malik had probably been caught up in chemsex since he was a teenager. In 2018/19, worried his chemsex addiction was getting out of hand, Malik had sought the help of a therapist and done a course in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which appeared to work.
"A few weeks before he passed away, however, he used that clinic again, explained he was back into chemsex, but had it under control. Whether or not he was just saying that, or he did feel it was under control at that point, we’ll never know," says Omar.
A powerful addiction
The potent mix of drug and sex addiction with chemsex makes the damage it causes to the person and those around them – and the reasons why they become addicted in the first place – both complex and wide-ranging.
"This loop of dependency on both substances and the sexual highs they facilitate, make it extremely difficult to break free," says Fuller. "The dangers lie not only in the immediate physical health risks, but also in the long-term impact on someone's mental health, personal relationships and self-esteem."
You prioritise sex over everything else and soon it takes over your life. You lose jobs because you don’t turn up for work. You sleep with people you wouldn’t normally sleep with...
One particularly harmful effect of the drugs is that you don’t feel tired, so users sometimes don’t sleep for four to five days. "You prioritise sex over everything else and very soon, it takes over your life," says Labayen de Inza. "You lose jobs because you don’t turn up for work. You sleep with people you wouldn’t normally sleep with and then comes the shame, guilt and remorse, which can lead to anxiety and depression."
A dark scene
So why is it that gay men are particularly vulnerable to the lure of chemsex? Labayen de Inza says firstly, it’s because in the MSM (men who have sex with men) community, sex is so readily available. "You go on Grindr and you can be having sex with a complete stranger within 10 minutes," he says.
Once you have sex on these drugs, you get used to having only chemsex, so it’s difficult to go back to having sex without them.
"Also, the gay community is rife with low self-esteem, fear of rejection, abandonment and loneliness. So you're much more vulnerable to taking anything that's going to make sex easier for you to achieve. Once you have sex on these drugs, you get used to only having chemsex, so it’s difficult to go back to having sex without them."
Also, because of the stigma and secrecy surrounding gay sex, people who are not yet open about their sexuality, are particularly vulnerable.
Hitting rock bottom
"Many of the men who come to us are at breaking point," says Fuller. "One individual we worked with found himself attending chemsex parties multiple times a week. His health rapidly declined due to a combination of drug overdoses and HIV-related complications. He lost his job, his home and his sense of self-worth."
Due to the powerful nature of the drugs involved in chemsex, boundaries are crossed with devastating consequences. Blackmail and assault are rife, although experts say it’s important not to paint everyone who engages in chemsex as criminals, predators or victims.
"When you're high, you feel invincible," says Labayen de Inza. "You might invite someone to your house, you might even allow someone to film you having sex with people."
Fuller explains how then some men are being driven to suicide after being blackmailed into "paying money they don’t have, to buy silence over videos of them having sex at these chemsex parties."
Offering support
Labayen de Inza launched his charity after he himself experienced chemsex addiction and saw the need for a specialist support service. He also got a huge response to a Chemsex First Aid guide he'd co-authored for the gay hook-up app Grindr.
"The guide covered things like, 'What do you do if you're at a sex party and someone has passed out – when do you call an ambulance?'" he says. "It sparked a massive response – in one year, I received enquiries from around 13,000 people."
He spoke to several leading LGBTQ+ organisations, sex clinics and drug services in the UK and built his own team, made up of many specialists who themselves had struggled with chemsex "so they really cared".
Violence and blackmail
More and more disturbing tales poured in and it became clear the chemsex world was also filled with violence. "About 60% of the men I've treated have suffered, witnessed or even participated in abuse or sexual violence, while under the influence," explains McCracken.
About 60% of the men I've treated have seen, suffered or even participated in abuse or sexual violence, while under the influence of drugs.
"I know recently, someone who was desperate to find drugs," adds Labayen de Inza. "He found a dealer on Grindr, and when the dealer arrived at the house, the dealer wasn’t a dealer. There were three guys –they beat him up and they stole from him. But how can you report something like this? You don’t want anyone to know what you were doing because it involves drugs and gay sex."
Providing a lifeline
Treating those with a chemsex addiction is challenging. Fuller, who supports around 10 people a week via the charity, says: "Treatment involves harm reduction strategies, psycho-education and counselling to address both drug use and underlying issues like trauma or mental health conditions… We help clients regain control of their lives and plan their next steps."
The charity offers eight sessions with a case worker, with more available if needed. "The police don’t always understand," says Labayen de Inza, "but things are improving. They are taking it more seriously than before, and there is now information about chemsex on the Met website, which is a huge improvement."
The most painful thing is that it’s such a waste of a life. To know Malik felt so out of his depth and couldn’t speak about it...
In the meantime, the loved ones of those who die or whose lives are ruined by chemsex are desperate for support. "The most painful thing is that it’s such a waste of a life," says Omar sadly. "To know Malik felt so out of his depth and couldn’t speak about it..."
To parents who suspect or who are told their child is struggling with chemsex, he advises: "Try to be understanding and supportive, however shocked you might be. Be prepared to provide support for the long-term and most importantly, be very, very grateful they have come forward and are talking to you."
"What happened to Malik was not something me or any of the family knew about," he continues. "It was not something he felt able to discuss with anyone. Perhaps if he had, things could have been very different. That’s why I am talking about it now."
*Names have been changed to protect identities. Yahoo has contacted Grindr for comment.
For free, professional support, visit Controlling Chemsex.
Read more on sexual health:
How a new sexual health startup aims to break the stigma of STIs (Yahoo Life UK, 5-min read)
Sexual health doctor reveals the six questions you should ask a new partner (Yahoo Life UK, 6-min read)
Why we still need Pride: ‘I was fired and evicted for being gay’ (Yahoo Life UK, 9-min read)
