These controversial married influencers sleep in separate beds: The truth about ‘sleep divorce’

Is it OK for spouses to sleep in different beds? Some on TikTok don't think so.

The social media platform erupted in debate after influencer Matt Howard revealed he's been sleeping on a mattress in a walk-closet, separate from his wife Abby, for his "mental health." The couple, who were high school sweethearts and rose to fame documenting their love story and family life online, have amassed 5.3 million followers on their joint TikTok account.

"This decision that I made was something I had to do just to prioritize my mental health, because I was not OK," Matt says in a video with 2.8 million views. "I was really struggling. I was feeling awful, and that's why I'm here."

TikTok users have posted their reactions, with many speculating there must be something deeper going on. "I'm sorry, but if my husband told me he couldn't sleep in the same bed with me and went as far as to sleeping in the closet because of his mental health, divorce would be looming," one TikToker says in a video with 2.4 million views.

Surely if a couple doesn't sleep in the same bed, that must mean their relationship is in peril. Right?

Not necessarily.

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Many couples choose not to sleep in the same bed. Here's why.

Matt and Abby Howard have long been the subject of online scrutiny. That's to be expected − they are public figures after all.

They're also far from the only public figures to sleep in different beds. Cameron Diaz and First Lady Melania Trump, for instance, have both said they sleep in separate beds from their spouses. Some celebrities have gone even further, revealing they've never even moved in with their spouse. Gwyneth Paltrow has shared she and her husband Brad Falchuk live in different houses, and "Abbott Elementary" star Sheryl Lee Ralph has said she and her husband Vincent Hughes live in different states. (She's in Los Angeles, while he's in Philadelphia.)

Often called a "sleep divorce," sleeping separately might sound like a relationship red flag at first. After all, the marital bed is more than just a place where couples sleep and have sex; it's also a time-honored symbol of their very union.

Experts, however, previously told USA TODAY there are many valid reasons for a "sleep divorce" that don't necessarily mean a couple's marriage is in jeopardy. Some common reasons include snoring, restlessness, parasomnia, frequent trips to the bathroom or incompatible sleep schedules.

It's also a practice that's common: A 2012 survey by the Better Sleep Council and a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation both showed 1 in 4 couples sleep in separate beds. But "there's still shame attached to it for some people because of how taboo the topic is," Dr. Meir Kryger, professor emeritus of medicine at Yale's School of Medicine and author of "The Principles and Practice of Sleep Medicine," previously told USA TODAY.

Kryger said no couple should feel embarrassed about the practice: "For a lot of couples, sleeping apart can be the best thing for their relationship."

He also said "there's no research that suggests that couples who sleep apart for the purpose of better sleep have any less of a romantic connection than couples who share a bed."

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When sleeping in different beds becomes a problem

Of course, sometimes sleeping separately does spell problems for a relationship.

"There are some couples for whom the decision to sleep apart is a sign of something awry in the relationship," Wendy Troxel, a senior behavioral scientist at the RAND Corp. and author of "Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep," previously told USA TODAY.

It can also worry a couple's children, who may see their parents' separate sleeping as a sign of looming divorce. Kryger said he's met with families where children have felt embarrassed, insecure or concerned about their parents' sleeping arrangements.

"Some kids have even wondered if their parents' decision to sleep apart means they're not in love anymore," he previously told USA TODAY.

To prevent this, parents should have an honest talk with their kids about why they're sleeping separately and make sure to demonstrate their love for each other in other ways.

"Children who observe their parents regularly holding hands, complimenting each other or snuggling together on the couch will find any insecurities they've felt quickly abated," Kryger said.

It's also important for couples to know that, if they don't want to sleep separately, there are ways to overcome sleep incompatibility issues, even challenging ones.

"Virtually every sleep problem has a solution," he said. "Many fixes are quite simple; other times, couples should seek professional help."

Contributing: Daryl Austin

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Matt and Abby Howard and when 'sleep divorce' becomes a problem