My Daughter Is Asexual And It Breaks My Heart
Note: The author's name and identity have been changed for privacy.I always knew that my daughter was different as she went through childhood and into her teen years. The only time she ever appeared to have a "crush" was when she was 4 years old, and she called an anime character on television a “cutie pie.” I remember having my first childhood crush when I was 6 years old. My daughter never mentioned any boys when she started school until she came home one day upset and fighting to hold in her tears. I followed her into her bedroom and sat down next to her while I asked her what was wrong.
“My friends asked me which boy I liked in our class; I told them I didn’t like any of them. They told me I was a liar and that I HAD to like one of them… Then they said if I didn’t tell the truth and tell them who, then they would pick the meanest boy in class and tell him that I liked him. I didn’t know what to do, so I gave them the name of a boy in our class just to get them to stop bugging me…but then they told him I liked him and told the whole class, and everyone was trying to push me into holding his hand and I didn’t want to!”
This was the first time my heart broke for my daughter while I held her as she cried in my arms over the traumatic experience she just endured. When I asked her if she did have a crush on the boy she named, she became even more upset as she said no, she didn’t like him in that way. She told me she “never wanted to go back to school again” because she didn’t want to have to “touch and hold hands with a boy like that.” I told her those girls were not her friends; if they were, they would not have threatened and bullied her the way they did. I wanted to go to the girl's parents and scream at them for raising cruel children. Instead I took my daughter out of that school immediately and began homeschooling her.
I didn’t think much about her reaction of fear and horror over the thought of holding the boy's hand at that time because I was too angry and heartbroken over her pain. As time went on, though, she never did appear interested in any boys at all. I recall having my first celebrity crush when I was 9 years old over the boy bands of my era. I had NKOTB posters plastered all over my walls growing up and daydreamed about meeting and getting married to Joey McIntyre, the youngest member of NKOTB. I begged my mom to get me tickets for their concert, and had to buy every album they released. I wrote “Mrs. Joey McIntyre” all over my notebooks because I was so “totally in love with him.” My friends all had crushes back then like I did, some in the same band, others in different ones. Because of this, I did notice that my daughter never seemed to pay any attention to celebrities outside of liking the shows or movies. I knew I wasn’t exactly the typical “straight” married woman, considering I had previously been in sexual relationships with both men and women, and our marriage was more open than it was traditional. I thought perhaps my daughter preferred girls to boys, but she never really spoke about girls being attractive either. I thought maybe she was just shy and things would change as she got older. They didn’t.
We moved to another state when she was 10 years old and enrolled her in a charter school program. Once there, she met her first real friends, and they never questioned her about crushes or boys. Her sixth-grade teacher informed her father and me during the last parent-teacher conference of her school year that we should “seriously consider homeschooling her for junior high.”
“Your daughter has never been mean to another child in class once since I’ve been her teacher. Even when she was being picked on, she would call the other kids names back. She would go over to her desk, put her head down, and cry. She will always tell me what goes on, and she’s even inadvertently snitched on other students because she is unwilling to lie, even though she doesn’t want to get anyone in trouble. I don’t think she has the thick skin needed to get through junior high, and I don’t want her honesty to be punished by other kids because she isn’t doing it to cause trouble; she’s just genuinely an honest kid. She doesn’t run around chasing after boys like the other girls, and trust me, they already notice it and have made comments to her about it, too.”
He continued to explain that our daughter’s “good” qualities and “lack” of acting like a “typical pre-teen girl” would put a target on her for middle school bullies, and he was truly afraid that she would suffer immensely because of it. We immediately decided to home-school her for all of her middle school years after that because we had already dealt with her being bullied over not having any crushes on boys at her last school. My heart continued to break as I remembered that day she came home crying over having to hold a boy's hand and the fear of worse happening with junior high kids. I remembered my time in junior high and knew her teacher was right; kids who were different did get targeted and picked on ruthlessly during those years. I would like to say that I never bullied another child for being different back in my youth, but unlike my daughter, I went along with the crowd to keep from being different. It began to sink in at that point that my daughter would always be a target because of who she was.
When the time came for her to enter high school, we again chose a special charter high school program that focused on the arts since that was her main interest. She loved to draw and was very talented as an artist. We looked around the school before enrolling her, met with teachers, and we felt like it would be safe for her there based on what we learned from the teachers. They had a faculty that was mixed between race, gender, and even openly LGBTQIA + teachers and students. This high school put her around others who were different from what was considered the “normal” standard, and she was accepted as she was. She met some of her best friends to this day in that school. As time went on, I continued to wonder about her sexual orientation through her teen years because she still never commented on anyone being attractive or having any interest. I decided to open up to her about my own sexuality, hoping that it would give her the courage to share anything about herself that perhaps she was worried about doing.
“Honey, I want to tell you something because I know that you have probably noticed your dad and I do not have the ‘typical’ marriage. I’m sure you’ve heard us talking over the years and probably remember ‘friends’ being around and seeing and hearing talks with them. I guess what I’m trying to explain is that I’ve always had different views on relationships. I was honest with your dad when we met about it, too, so we’ve always made it work. I am bisexual, and your dad and I have an open relationship. You can ask any questions you have to me about it, honey, but mainly, I just want you to know that we have noticed you’re not really bringing home any guys or anything, and we just want you to know that you are free to be who you are with us. You don’t have to hide anything or anyone you like, okay?”
She told me that she did know her father and I didn’t have a “typical” marriage, but that when it came to herself, she didn’t know what she was really. Her best friend was transsexual, and she wasn’t afraid to tell us because she knew we wouldn’t judge them. She said her friends had asked her about her sexuality but that she just didn’t think about it at all. She continued to explain that she didn’t find anyone attractive, she didn’t like being touched at all, and she didn’t ever think about being married or having kids. I had looked around online before over how she acted, but I honestly thought she was trans or lesbian and just maybe wasn’t sure how to tell us. But when she said that she just “didn’t find anyone attractive in that way” and spoke of her hate over being touched, another term I read about resonated in my mind. That was the moment I realized that I would never be a grandparent or watch my daughter fall in love, get married, or do anything “normal” in society’s eyes. My daughter was asexual.
While I knew that some asexual persons did go on to have families and marriages, it was the conviction that my daughter held when she said she had no desire to marry or become a parent. That moment sealed the reality for me about what experiences my husband and I would have as parents. My daughter never said anything if it was not the firm truth in her heart. She has never once lied to me her whole life, even when she could have. She even confessed when she cussed by accident the first time as a child, despite my husband and I being nowhere near her to hear it, she felt so compelled to be honest with us about what happened that she had to tell us even though we never would have known otherwise.
As she continued to grow into adulthood, her feelings about relationships and children did not change at all. She is almost 30 years old and has never once had any attraction to another person. My heart continues to break every day, knowing that she is talked about and targeted because of who she is. My husband and I try to ignore the frequent comments from friends or family members: “Are there any grandkids in our future?” We tried to go to a local church a few years back after going through some hard times. The pastor and parishioners were only focused on constantly trying to get my daughter to go to the “single socials” rather than offering acceptance and support. This was because, in their words, she “should already be settled down and starting a family at her age.” The assault on “childless” women occurring in society recently from the highest levels of the government here in the States has her terrified about being “forced” to marry a man and have children that she does not want. She told my husband after the election results that she “didn’t understand why people were so against accepting that people are different” to the point they welcome “hatred to run the country.” Despite this, she has never once shown an ounce of regret over the person she is. She accepts her asexuality and does not apologize for it. She never once apologized that her father and I would never have grandkids, and I’m glad for that.
She was raised to accept who she was, as she was, and to never apologize or hide from society despite the lack of ability of some to understand or accept her. Her father and I never guilted her over marriage or giving us grandkids. We have always allowed her to be herself, and because of this, even now as an adult, she still has never lied to us. She was raised never having to hide who she was. She was never made to feel like she was “weird” because she didn’t bring home dates or have boyfriends or girlfriends. Now, my heart breaks as her mother because, for the first time in her life, I see her genuinely afraid for her future.
While my heart breaks, I will continue to support my asexual daughter and her right to live HER life the way SHE wants to live it. I will fight for HER freedoms and the freedoms of others like her who don’t “conform” to what others consider to be “normal.” We never went back to church, and I told my daughter I would never force her to conform to a religion that cannot accept her as she is: “single and childless.” When my family has pressured me with questions about her, I have told them to get used to the fact that she likely will never be married and won’t ever have kids. My sister apologized to me and told me, “Wow, Sis, it must really suck that you’ll never get to be a grandma like I am. It’s the best! I’m sorry you’re missing out!” I quickly shot back by telling her that I wasn’t missing out on anything because I have had the honor of witnessing my child grow up to be an amazing, talented, and intelligent young woman, one who does not pretend or conform to the expectations put on her by others.
I will continue to encourage my daughter to be herself, without shame, without fear, and without apologizing to anyone because she is “different.” And I will continue to correct anyone, whether they are friends, family, or strangers, who try to pity me for my lack of grandkids or say that my daughter is wrong for not getting married or having a family.
Society has allowed the definition of “normal” to be used as an excuse for spreading hatred and intolerance. My heart breaks that my daughter and others like her are seen as lesser persons because they do not fit within the definition of “normal” by those who see themselves as being “morally right” despite their actions saying otherwise. I will continue to fight for my daughter and others like her because morals are not based on narratives of what is “normal.” Morals are based on empathy, love, honesty, acceptance, and tolerance for other humans. She is my daughter, and I refuse to watch her become something she isn’t because society cannot accept others and live by the “morals” they try to preach about.Luna Verity is a 46-year-old omnisexual woman in a polyamorous relationship. She has been married to her husband for 27 years, and they have a 27-year-old asexual daughter. Luna has been with her partner for 20 years. Luna has been writing as a hobby since they were young after falling in love with reading. Luna focuses more on writing about social issues, ethical dilemmas, and personal experiences that she hopes can help others, but she also enjoys writing fictional works. Do you have a personal story you’d like to see published on BuzzFeed? Send us a pitch at essay-pitch@buzzfeed.com.
