15 "Hardest Parts" Of Marriage That No One Talks About, According To Divorced Men
We recently wrote a post where married men revealed the "hardest parts" of marriage that no one talks about. In the comments, divorced men shared their own perspectives about the difficulties of marriage, and it's eye-opening. Here's what they had to say:
Note: Some submissions were pulled from this Reddit thread.
1."I'm no longer married, and in fact, I'm twice divorced. The most challenging aspect of marriage for me was learning to share myself. I couldn't continue doing what I had always done or be who I had always been. I had to realize that there is a time to be playful and a time to be serious. I learned that collaboration is the key. I believed my wife and I could maintain our independence while sharing a home, but that was not the case."
"Another difficulty was being truthful — not only with my wife but also with myself. If there's one piece of advice I'd give to other men, it's to be open and honest with your partner."
—40, Georgia
2."I was married to a wonderful woman for over 30 years, except that it was mostly void of physical affection as my wife struggled with touching others and being touched — even kissing. Her parents are the same way. Before we got married, I figured it would get better once we did get married. It didn't. It's amazing how important touch is to emotional well-being in a relationship."
"The moral? If you see red flags while dating, get them fixed before committing to marriage. If they aren't fixed, move on."
3."The brutal reality of moving forward as a co-parent with school-age kids after her infidelity. Our children are thriving; we are excellent co-parents. She's now married to this jerk — the home remodeler she hired when we were married. My youngest still has to get through high school. 'Just be an excellent dad, be civil, and these chapters will pass' is my daily mantra."
"I'm escaping the shadow of the past and finding my own path."
—56, Minnesota
4."The hardest part by far is in-laws. I have been married twice, and both times my in-laws were insufferable. For the first time, the mom-in-law thought her daughters were the most talented and beautiful women on earth and could have done better than me. Unfortunately, the daughter (my wife) thought she would get by on her looks and, therefore, couldn't hold a job. She cheated on me and her second husband. With my second wife, it was the father-in-law."
"He told his daughter she was the smartest woman alive. She was smart in some ways but dumb as a box of rocks with common sense. We divorced because my job required that I travel, and she realized marriage wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and she liked being on her own better. She didn't want a divorce; she just wanted me to move out and keep paying all the bills. Needless to say, that was NO from me."
—61, USA
5."There was an expectation from my now ex-wife that I would magically come up with enough money to keep up with her spending. She was a stay-at-home mom spending $2,000+/month at the grocery store, Target, and Walmart; I had no idea where all that money went. That, plus housing, utilities, and another $1,000/month at Starbucks and fast food put us at a deficit each month. She'd start crying every time I mentioned the budget."
"So, I picked up a side gig to make up for it. That just led to more spending. We're now divorced, and I suspect, but can't prove, that she was buying gift cards to steal from me."
—46, Colorado
6."Being lonelier in a relationship than when I was single."
7."When two damaged people collide. It can create intense electricity and attraction — but then, when one of those people wants to try to repair some of that damage, and the other person doesn’t, it all just kind of goes away."
8."After two decades, I realized she didn't respect me. I had suspicions she cheated on me when I was overseas in the military and was growing to disrespect her as a result. I decided I would rather be alone than be tied to someone who doesn't love me."
9."She is a good person and never meant to do me any harm, but after a number of years of being married (during much of which my job had me traveling a lot), I realized we were living different lives and that we stopped growing together. When we no longer shared common interests, we started spending time separate from one another and didn't have much to talk about. It was time to call it what it was: a good relationship that we had outgrown."
"It was an extraordinarily had decision but ultimately the right one for both of us."
10."The lack of accountability, respect, and admiration. All of which pointed to a lack of self and self love on her part. You can't fix someone you can only support them on their journey. I didn't want to die trying to save her from drowning."
11."Everyone is different, but my first wife was not in any way compatible with me; my second was my best friend and that didn't work out either. After some hard self-evaluation, I realize that I'm just not good at marriage — I don't work well living with other people."
12."My money was our money, and her money was her money. The last straw was when my card got denied at a Taco Bell because she kept spending on useless trivial things."
13."Not that it helps now, but people really change a lot when they're younger. I always heard, 'Don't get married before 25.' I did at 21, and by 25, I realized how much we had BOTH changed. By 28, we were done. Don't let problems marinate for long periods. Looking back, everything wrong with our marriage was fixable, but we were both too stubborn to work on it."
"Don't take a marriage for granted. I don't mean the person — I mean the institution. So many people make life decisions assuming the marriage will hold no matter what (moving, house purchases, kids, pets, etc.), and they make these major decisions during periods where the marriage is rocky."
14."I've been divorced twice, and I think marriage is just not worth it because my experiences have shown me that marriage is a great way to ruin a great relationship. From what I've lived and seen happen to others, one of the two people tends to lose their mind after saying those vows. One of them inevitably goes through a drastic personality change, and the other must choose to either accept and suffer through it or end it."
And finally...
15."I'm just going to outright say it. Marriage is worth it; it just didn't work out with her. Twelve years, with the last five or six being really tough and the last three with bad communication, no sex, and a lot of resentment. We should have ended it earlier than we did."
"I would marry again, but only the right woman, for the right reasons, and after good discussions. That could be the woman I'm dating. We have great everything, but it's early days yet."
—Anonymous
Divorced men, what are the "hardest parts" of marriage that no one talks about? Let us know in the comments below. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
