Divorced Men Are Confessing The Hardest "Realities" Of Divorce That More People Should Know, And It's Gut-Wrenching
We recently asked the divorced men of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the "hardest parts" of divorce that no one talks about. Here's what they had to say:
1."I've grieved several deaths in my life, but I've never missed anybody more than I miss my kids. I know people might not understand it because I still see them several times a week, but it's the most intense grief I've ever experienced."
"I mention death because grieving the loss of the life I had with my kids and being able to see them every day feels very much like grieving a death. I'm still grieving the end of my marriage, but it's a worse pain with my kids because they didn't have anything to do with this, but they're still caught up in it."
2."I spent 14 years of my life centering my entire existence around my ex-wife — working to make her happy, giving her the life she wanted. Her friends became my friends, her hobbies became mine, and her goals became mine. I spent so much time centering myself on trying to be a good husband to her that I lost the rest of my identity. When she said she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce, I didn't know who I was without her."
"I'm just starting the journey to find myself again, but I'm doing it completely and utterly alone as she took the support systems with her (her and our friend group)."
—37, Wisconsin
3."For me, it's the loneliness. I miss the inside jokes between two people. The laying there looking in each other's eyes, just talking. I haven't even been out on a date in 12 years. Thinking about it most of the day, every day, has been the hardest thing. I have eternal hope. That, however, hasn't worked."
—65, Colorado
4."Honestly? The fact that despite gradual changes, the legal system and culture are still stacked against divorced fathers, especially in other countries in Europe. There is an expectation from the very first moment that the children will stay with the mother (even in my case, where the mother was violently abusive), and the father should just move out and surrender the keys to the home."
"In these cases, having excellent legal advice and understanding the reality — not the cultural perceptions — can be a literal lifesaver."
5."Admitting to myself that I made a serious life mistake. Something inside said, 'Don't get married,' but I shook if off as wedding jitters. Two years later, I couldn't deal with the constant fighting and never measuring up to her prior boyfriends, so I left. After the split, almost all my friends and even my family told me they were surprised I actually went through with the wedding due to the differences between us."
"I have been married to my second wife for almost 35 years now and very happy, but the first is a reminder that no matter how good I try to be, I will always have this major mistake on my record."
—61, Utah
6."It was all the 'eye-openers.' Some of them were the details about things she had always handled that I didn't have a clue about. Some of the eye-openers were financial; I had no idea the extent to which I had been subsidizing her whims and her 'life choices.' When she left, she took her paycheck and left the bills. Within a couple of months, I was shocked that I actually had a little extra money, having lived in a 'we don't have enough' life for 28 years."
"The last big one is that I found out that all the quirks and weird things she blamed as 'all women' were not, in fact, true across the board. There are women who actually do what they said they would. There are women that are not jealously emotional about every other woman."
—61, Washington
7."It's called 'Divorce Poison,' and it absolutely destroys the soul. Divorce Poison happens when one parent poisons the minds of the divorced couple's children, so much so that the children come to hate the other parent. I've seen examples of it both ways: where the mom has full control of the children's minds, and they hate their dad, and visa versa. I never, ever thought it would happen to me. But it did. My kids were turned against me. The most painful experience in my life."
"There is no need for any of that. Divide everything equally, without arguing, without hate, and love your children with all your heart and soul. I love mine with all my heart and soul, but because of my ex's Divorce Poison — from a distance."
—64, Ohio
8."If you ever harbored any judgmental feelings about divorced people, believing that divorce means you're a failure at a core and important part of a man's life, that judgment slaps you upside the head. What kind of man fails to keep his family together? You. Now you're that failure of a man."
9."When I was married, I felt trapped and alone, wondering what my life would be like if I was single — wondering if I had made a mistake. When I got divorced, those same thoughts and fears came with me, but now I wonder what it would be like to be still married to her. Some days, I remember the bad times, and I'm glad we are apart, but sometimes, I think about the good times and miss her. It's not every day, but it is more often than I thought."
"She's remarried now, and I'm engaged to a beautiful woman who I love deeply and makes me a better person every day, but there are still times that I wonder what I would be doing if I had stayed with her. My life drastically changed when I got divorced. Career changed. I chased a new dream that my ex did not support. I am very happy now, but if I could look into a magic mirror and see what about my life would be different if I was still married, I'd be curious enough to stare at it for a while."
—35, Georgia
10."The hardest part is that the time lost is forever lost. My sons are now 21 and 17 (their mother and I split when they were 6 and 2), and we have close relationships. I also have a second family, and I wish I could have spent as much time with the older children as I do with the younger ones. When you only have four days per month, you do the best you can do."
—48, Virginia
11."Being no longer needed. I was constantly busy around the house, from honey-do lists to helping my kid. Now that it's just me, it's an overwhelming feeling of just not needed."
—46, Ohio
12."The court system is still broken, and your divorce agreement means nothing and can be changed at any time. As part of my divorce agreement, I took almost no money, gave up my share of the home we purchased together, and didn't make us split most assets as I knew I could always rebuild a bank account through work. I also did this to make sure I had protections and guarantees against my ex trying to cause issues with my visitation with my daughters (13 and 15). Within a few months of the divorce being finalized, I started getting filings to have our agreement modified concerning the visitation. In the first year, I spent over $20,000 between flying out to see my daughters and flying them out to see me."
"Nonetheless, my ex took me to court to reduce my visitation rights. It started by limiting the available holidays, then extended breaks (winter, spring, etc.). Each time, the courts kept saying that because I had to relocate for work, if I wanted visitation, I should just quit my job and move back — even though if I did this, they would have lost the house if I quit my job and couldn't pay support. It got to the point that my ex was telling my daughter's lies about me wanting to see them and lying in court papers as well. At one point, I said that if I was an unfit father but still lived in the state, they would give me better visitation rights — just supervised — and they didn't deny that. This entire thing has hurt my relationship with my daughters, which was always an important part of my life."
—44, Arizona
13."When I divorced, I insisted on joint custody — no 'weekend Dad' for me. We decided on week-to-week custody, which eventually turned out pretty good, but it was rough initially. To this day, I remember dropping the kids off at their Mom's, and my young son turning to me and"saying, 'Dad, two houses are stupid,' then he turned around and went inside. Needless to say, I was a mess that night."
—70, Georgia
14."With such a devastating blow to your self-esteem, getting the courage to 'get back out there' knowing 'they' can leave at any time."
—42, New York
15."I have two things: 1) I struggled not having someone to care for. Throughout the marriage, I had hobbies and things I did on my own, but most of the time, I just wanted to be there for/with my wife. I wanted to give her good company, cook her yummy meals, and make her comfortable. I was lost being alone. It's been three years, and I still feel like I'm learning how to do it."
"2) Listening to divorce talk and how often divorce is celebrated (usually by women). I was very as much in love in year 24 as I was in year one. The ending was sudden and a surprise. Our relationship wasn't toxic, and we didn't fight; she was my best friend. While I don't want to be married to someone who says they don't love me anymore, the divorce was literally the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Thinking and talking about it only brings pain and sadness. It is certainly not something to be celebrated."
—44, Kansas
16."To me, even after years of being a dedicated and loving father, very involved in my children's lives, after the divorce, you are always assumed to be the problem, the cause, or the reason for the break up of your family. In the eyes of former family members, your family members, former friends, co-workers, and especially the state and the court system, you are always viewed as the issue and the person who needs to be watched or not trusted. Especially in my case, it was not even close to the truth."
"Not bashing my ex, especially in a way that the children would get wind of, is not something I would do, so you just take it. The constant defending, avoiding, and being treated as less than is always the norm — it's sad, frustrating, and disheartening. I spend most days sad and defeated, and I'm working harder now at EVERYTHING. I never get credit or support. Society as a whole, as well as the courts, never really care to take the feelings of the divorced dad into any consideration."
—44, Connecticut
17."Understanding how long it will take to heal from a toxic and physically abusive relationship. I spent 10 years in the relationship, fighting for the other person. That left me empty and bitter. Learning that you cannot be everything for someone and wondering if you made the right choice filing for divorce is tough."
"The mental scars are hard to heal, but if you give it time and do the work to heal, you can jump back into dating and find that person who is good for you and your kid(s)."
—38, Colorado
18."Neither being able to mourn the loss of your marriage nor miss your former partner when you initiate the divorce. Marriages fail for myriad reasons, and modern society asks that men do the kind thing of being honest with their spouse while at the same time insisting on assigning blame. The situation is harder when the initiator wants out, and their spouse does not. After two decades and countless attempts to 'fix our marriage,' I knew the best I could do was limp passionlessly to the finish line and felt that wasn't fair to either of us."
"I am fortunate to have found the love I only realized existed after my divorce. My former spouse has not. Yet after over 20 years of marriage, I enjoyed many things about my now ex — things we laughed at, the struggles we went through together, in many ways, growing up together — that I not only remember fondly but miss about them. Since I am the one that left, and I was the one that could have stayed, I am not 'allowed' to reflect on the good times, appreciate, and miss my former spouse."
—50, Virginia
19."People do talk about this, but I was very surprised that mutual friends of ours picked sides when they had no understanding — and likely never would — of what transpired. I have reached out to several of these friends only to be rebuffed by the majority. There have even been instances where I ask, "Are we still in high school?" I have been disinvited to all of the annual functions we attended."
"To add insult to injury, many of our former friends have married multiple times. These friendships have seemingly evaporated. This was my first marriage and my wife's second marriage. We were both in our 50s."
—57, Canada
20."When she left me for her boyfriend, my ex told me she never loved me and that she married me only because I was safe, honest, and trusting. We had kids, and you think to yourself that she wasted your youth and your time. Even with all the doubt and debt she left me with after 13 faithful years of marriage, it's the lying about why she married me that hurts the most."
"The wasting of my time I could have given to someone else. That's the real crime."
—47, USA
And finally...
21."Nobody offered me support or any advice on how to cope with the loss. Nobody I expected, that is. My childhood friend's stepmom was the only person who reached out to offer advice and give words of comfort. Dealing with losing my children was an awful experience and still is the worst part of divorce. Getting divorced is like losing a spouse and all the people and memories attached to that person. Regret, anguish, depression — all of these emotions are so powerful and overwhelming. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel."
"Don't give up and think love isn't for you. It just didn't work out with that certain individual. From the greatest pain can come the greatest joy with a lot of patience and work."
—34, California
Fellow divorced men, what are the "hardest parts" of divorce that no one talks about? Feel free to comment below, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, you can use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
