Doing Nothing With Your Favorite People Is Really, Really Good for You
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Nolan Pelletier
This article is part of SELF’s third annual Rest Week, an editorial package dedicated to doing less. Taking care of yourself, physically and emotionally, is impossible without genuine downtime. With that in mind, we’ll be publishing articles up until the new year to help you make a habit of taking breaks, chilling out, and slowing down. (And we’re taking our own advice: The SELF staff will be OOO during this time!) We hope to inspire you to take it easy and get some rest, whatever that looks like for you.
When I think back on my best memories with my favorite people, the most mundane things come to mind: yapping around my grandma’s kitchen table for hours after eating; rehashing a night out, piled on a couch with college friends; making dinner in my New York City apartment while chitchatting with my roommate and neighbor.
Nowadays, for many of us, these unstructured moments seem fewer and farther between. Socializing nearly always revolves around a specific activity, often out of the house, and with an implied start and end time. Plans are Tetris-ed into a packed calendar and planned well in advance, leaving little room for spontaneity. Then, when we inevitably feel worn out or like our social battery’s drained, we retreat inward under the pretense of self-care; according to pop culture, true rest can only happen at home, alone, often in a bubble bath or bed.
Of course, solo veg time can be rejuvenating (and necessary), but I think we’ve lost sight of how relaxing with loved ones can also fill our cup and make us feel less lonely. And after talking with a couple of experts on the topic, I know I’m not the only one. Here, they help explain some of the benefits of doing nothing with other people, why it’s become a lost art, and how to bring it back.
Where has all the quality time gone?
Loose, liminal time with others used to be baked into life. It’s been slowly wedged out thanks to smartphones, go-go-go lifestyles, a fiercely individualistic society, and a host of other cultural shifts, Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, New York City–based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, tells SELF.
“With the rise of technology, social media, and constant connectivity, many people find themselves always ‘on,’ leaving little room for spontaneous, undistracted time with those closest to them,” Dr. Hafeez says. “Plus, the pressure to be productive—whether in work, school, or your personal life—has led to a culture where every minute must be accounted for, and downtime is often viewed as wasteful.”
Because daily life feels so busy and fast-paced, many people struggle to carve out space for friends and family at all, let alone extended, unstructured hangs. “Then, when we are together, it’s easy to get distracted by our phones or feel like we need to fill every minute,” Kasley Killam, MPH, social scientist and author of The Art and Science of Connection, tells SELF. And staying on this hyper-productive, isolated grind can not only lead to stress and burnout but also make you really lonely.
“Less unstructured time is certainly playing a role in the loneliness epidemic,” Dr. Hafeez says. “Intimate bonds form when neighbors drop by each other's homes, when children play together outside, or coworkers connect over the ‘water cooler’…. In contemporary life, there’s little room for these types of ‘old-fashioned’ interactions—but without them, relationships can become transactional, and we can become isolated.” Close personal relationships are essential to our well-being, and while community used to be central, it’s now become an afterthought, she adds.
The healing power of just…hanging out
Unstructured time is good for us, in general, according to the experts I spoke with. For one, it can help reduce stress, since you tend to be more relaxed when you’re not on a schedule, Alexandra Stratyner, PhD, a New York City–based psychologist, tells SELF. When you’re not trying to accomplish anything, you have space to just be. “The freedom to allow your mind to roam may also help increase creativity and problem-solving,” Dr. Stratyner says.
And when you combine this lower-stress, more open-minded environment with social interaction, good stuff happens. “Relaxed, spontaneous moments with loved ones can bring a freeing and comforting quality that organized activities simply cannot,” Dr. Stratnyer says. You can focus on enjoying the moment and each other, rather than staying on schedule or performing a specific task. With no agenda, there’s also more room for laughter, surprise, and candid conversations that deepen relationships, she says. By contrast, fixed plans can feel like an obligation, which can trigger tension and stress.
Because there’s less pressure to perform or meet expectations, free-flowing togetherness also encourages authenticity, Dr. Stratnyer adds—and the ability to be your true self is no small thing. Social psychology researchers have found that showing up authentically in close relationships improves self-esteem; lowers levels of anxiety, depression, and stress; and is essential to building trusting, stable, satisfying relationships.
It’s possible that the magic isn’t in the lack of activity, but that we tend to feel comfortable “doing nothing” only with our closest few—and those are the connections that feed our souls the most. “If research has taught us anything about how social ties impact our well-being, it’s that quality far outshines quantity,” Kory Floyd, PhD, professor of interpersonal communication at the University of Arizona and author of The Loneliness Cure, tells SELF. Frequent superficial socializing doesn’t do much for us. “What we need instead are people we feel safe with, people we can be vulnerable with, people we deeply care about,” Dr. Floyd says.
Those meaningful connections contribute to happiness and mental health, but the benefits go even further than that, according to Killam. “Positive relationships can reduce our risk for various diseases and even extend the length of our lives,” she says.
How to do less with your favorite people
Incorporating more free time with friends and family is easier said than done, especially if you (and everyone in your circle) typically run around 24/7. If you’re unsure how to make it happen, these tips can help you add more blissfully chill togetherness to your life—this holiday season and beyond.
Embrace the awkwardness.
“If you’re used to being overly scheduled, having unstructured time will feel odd at first,” Dr. Floyd says. “Some people may experience anxiety because they believe they should be doing something. Others will feel guilty or worried about how unproductive they’re being.” If you start to get antsy, try to focus on the moment; resist the urge to check your texts and give your attention to the people around you. “Like anything else, the more you practice enjoying unstructured time, the easier it will become,” Dr. Floyd says.
Hide the phones.
To make the most of your time with others, put your devices away, Killam suggests. Research shows that using your phone prevents you from fully focusing on the present moment and has negative effects on relationships when used in social situations. Even just having one in view during a conversation can make it less fulfilling and decrease perceived levels of empathy, trust, and relationship quality.
To keep screens from stealing attention, decide on a dedicated, out-of-sight spot for all devices during your next gathering (my family calls our iPhone tower a “Mac stack”). In my experience, even if you don’t force the rule on everyone, modeling screen-free behavior can help other people forget they want to look at theirs.
Make no-plan plans.
It can be as easy as saying, “Come over and let’s just hang out” or “Drop by whenever! I have no plans and would love to catch up.” When you extend invites like this, “you signal that the focus is on enjoying each other’s company rather than completing a list of activities,” Dr. Hafeez says. “With no rigid agenda, people are free to explore whatever feels right. The beauty of this kind of get-together is that things can unfold naturally, creating unforgettable memories.”
Do everyday things together.
Doing nothing with your favorite people doesn’t need to mean you’re literally doing nothing. Simple, everyday activities can keep stress levels low and create some of the most memorable moments, Dr. Hafeez says. Hungry? Instead of playing hostess or ordering takeout, cook dinner together with whatever you have in the fridge. Dog needs to go out? Walk the pup with your partner instead of sending them to do it alone. Want to get off the couch? Decide to learn a TikTok dance or go meander around Target with your bestie—I know I’m not the only one who made core memories in those aisles, and I can’t think of a better example of how doing nothing of importance can sometimes be…everything.
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Originally Appeared on Self
