My eating disorder ruled my life for six years, here's how I learned to love myself
Bella Davis, 28, a children's entertainer from Sydney, struggled with an eating disorder for six years, before seeking help. Now she has made a conscious decision to embrace her 'imperfections' and go on a mission to help others love their bodies.
When I remember my teenage years and early 20s, my main memories are of constant dieting, punishing my body through exercise and feeling deeply out of control.
Every time I was at the beach with friends, I’d cover my legs with a towel. Whenever I went out for dinner, I’d run to the toilet afterwards to make myself sick. I wanted to get rid of every calorie I consumed. Carbs were the devil, in my eyes. I thought what I was doing was normal. I didn’t realise it was unusual for my hair to be falling out, to always feel cold, even in the scorching Sydney summers, and for my periods to stop.
My eating disorder meant diet and exercise was my life, from the age of 17 to 25. It became a friend (read: enemy) that lived in my head. It was somebody I could share secrets with. My friends and my family had no idea how it had taken me over. Even worse, I was being praised for losing weight and that validation kept me going. I was convinced that the slimmer I got, the more successful, confident and likely to find a partner I would be.
Spoiling my sex life
But however desperate I was to find somebody to love and be loved by, I was petrified about having sex and being intimate. I would always wear a t-shirt during sex because I didn’t want anyone to see my body. I’d avoid certain positions because I thought they accentuated my rolls and cellulite. I was so focused on how my body looked that it was impossible to enjoy sex. I was distracted and caught up in a cycle of negative thoughts.
I was petrified about having sex and being intimate. I would always wear a t-shirt during sex because I didn’t want anyone to see my body.
A toxic partner when I was 19 who commented on the size of my thighs sent me into a spiral. It confirmed my fear that somebody could be grossed out by my body.
But it wasn’t just him, I sometimes watched adult movies where all the bodies were 'perfectly' posed, hairless and smooth. How could I compete? How would I ever reach these standards, be completely clean shaven and have no lumps or bumps? Plus, my low-calorie diet left me with so little energy that my sex drive plummeted. I was well into my 20s before I felt comfortable being completely nude in the bedroom.
Facing up to my eating disorder
Growing up in the 90s in a beach suburb on the Central Coast, I was bombarded with images of the typical Aussie surfer girl: blonde, tanned, toned. We never spoke about mental health at school or at home. It was only when I was 19 and found myself throwing up blood into the toilet bowl that I realised something was very wrong.
It was only when I was 19 and found myself throwing up blood into the toilet bowl that I realised something was very wrong.
How was I to know that constantly feeling dissatisfied with your body and pushing yourself to physical extremes wasn’t something that everybody did? It was especially hard because people make assumptions about how you look when you have an eating disorder. Because there were parts of my body, like my thighs, that didn’t lose as much weight, I didn’t look as ill as I really was.
But when I finally googled my symptoms it was glaringly obvious I was bulimic. Specialists confirmed the diagnosis but I had no idea what it really meant. It took months of appointments with dieticians and psychologists for me to understand that I was slowly killing myself and that something had to change.
Journey to recovery
Getting better was scary at first. People forget that recovery, even though it's necessary, is a choice. Every day, I had to choose to ignore the voice in my head telling me to restrict my food intake. I started eating more but stuck to what I thought was 'healthy' food. Now I see how the health industry can be a trap for diet culture.
People forget that recovery is a choice. Every day, I had to choose to ignore the voice in my head telling me to restrict my food intake.
The pandemic and lockdown forced me to re-evaluate everything. I was living alone. It was the first time I completely stopped dieting and exercising since I was 15. I was sick of people obsessing over how our bodies may change in quarantine.
Instead of fixating on 'clean eating' and exercise, I wanted people to appreciate how our bodies were getting us through it. Why should I waste time agonising about gaining a bit of weight when people were worrying about staying alive or when they would see their family again?
Accepting my new body
I posted a photo on Instagram which showed my cellulite and wrote a caption about how we should be grateful to our bodies. It was only for my friends and family, but then my audience started to grow. People came out of nowhere. It’s hard to believe I’ve got over 260,000 followers now.
It was also during lockdown when I had stopped dieting that I got into a new relationship. I’d been single for two years and it was amazing to meet somebody who’d grown up close to his mum and sisters and with tons of female friends. It meant he was so understanding and open-minded when it came to mental health and body-related issues.
I was beginning to appreciate my body for what it was but certain insecurities remained rife. In the bedroom, I still felt uncomfortable, hiding parts of my body and changing in a different room.
On one hand, I was much happier because I was no longer consumed by starving myself and being as thin as possible, but still it was strange noticing cellulite, stretch marks and my clothes going up in size.
As I started to eat more healthily and stopped exercising, I gradually gained some weight, but then I panicked that he would leave me. I felt like I had failed him. It took me a long time to realise that I hadn’t disappointed anyone.
We are so aware of our own bodies but others don’t notice the tiny changes that we obsess over. Bodily changes that seemed so drastic for me went unnoticed. But it’s hard to believe someone when they say, "You are beautiful," when you don't yet believe it yourself.
On one hand, I was so much happier because I was no longer solely consumed by starving myself and being as thin as possible, but still it was strange noticing cellulite, stretch marks, softness and my clothes going up in size. The slimmer body I’d had was a nightmare to maintain and it was time for me to accept that people’s bodies are constantly changing.
Living my everyday life working as a children’s entertainer in a hospital for the charity Starlight Children’s Foundation really helped. I also made a conscious decision to step away from the parts of Instagram that are saturated with edited photos and people posting their best angles.
Learning to love myself as I am
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with lymphoedema, a condition which causes painful swelling in your legs or arms. Getting this diagnosis made so much sense. It explained why my thighs wouldn’t get slimmer. They’d always been the part of my body that I hated most. Kids at school used to call me thunder thighs. I now realise that the more we know about our bodies, the more power we have over them.
My lymphoedema is one of the things that makes my body unique and I have to adapt to living with it. I don't want to waste time worrying about what I look like anymore.
Body hair is another thing I’ve learned to embrace. Growing up, I thought it was dirty and wrong for a woman to have visible body hair, especially around the bikini line. But it has been so freeing to let it grow out...
Body hair is another thing I’ve learned to embrace and love. Growing up, I thought it was dirty and wrong for a woman to have visible body hair, especially around the bikini line. But it has been so freeing to let it grow out and has made me feel womanly and confident.
These days I love my body not for aesthetic reasons but because of how much it allows me to do. It allows me to have amazing experiences. I never miss out on things like I used to. I didn’t know it was possible to get joy out of eating. I love food now. I love pasta, I love chocolate and I love a cheese board.
I do all sorts of exercise. I was petrified to start pilates because there is an idea of what a typical pilates girl looks like, but now it's my favourite way to work out.
Boosting others' confidence
My sex life and confidence in the bedroom has improved so much too. It sounds obvious but now I know to focus on how it feels rather than how I look in the moment. I’ve been with my partner for five years and next year we’re getting married. He’s seen how much I’ve changed, as have my friends and family.
It’s a running joke that I have 'no shame' but I think it's great for my friends and my followers to see how freeing it can be when you stop caring about your appearance. Now, people come to me, via Instagram or in person, when they are feeling insecure or struggling with their body image. I’m able to give them advice and direct them to the right helplines and experts.
My sex life and confidence in the bedroom has improved so much too – now I know to focus on how it feels rather than how I look in the moment.
This has translated into how I now use social media to encourage people to feel confident in their bodies and to show up as they are.
I posted a photo where you could see my sanitary towel to show that periods aren’t shameful. Still to this day they are such a taboo – it’s normal to hide your tampons or put your pads at the bottom of your shopping trolley. To me, it was crazy that people had seen me in my lingerie or with visible body hair, pubic hair and razor bumps but that showing a visible sign of my period was more provocative or crossed a line.
It's taken me 13 years but I can safely say that I love every inch of my body now. Embracing my softness, body hair, cellulite and boobs is my way of taking ownership.
For support, visit Beat Eating Disorders.
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