I Engaged In Risky Sex As A Teen. Here's How I'm Talking To My Kids About It.
My 12-year-old has been begging me to download Snapchat onto her iPhone for the last year ― and the answer still remains a firm no.
“Why? Just tell me why?” My daughter recently asked, once again. I’d told her why many times: We do not feel it’s safe for her to have access to a social media platform that we cannot effectively monitor. We are not confident in the parental controls available and have concerns about the effect of social media on tweens’ and teens’ mental health. Not to mention the minimum age to use Snapchat and many other platforms like it is 13.
After more relentless begging, I finally snapped. “You cannot have Snapchat because when I was your age I was on chat rooms talking to creepy old men. I’m trying to protect you!” I know that blurting that out wasn’t helpful, appropriate or effective (especially when she responded that she wasn’t going to be stupid like I was). My innate fear and deep desire to protect my children from what I encountered as a tween and teen had bubbled to the surface.
The reality is, when I was 12 to 19, I engaged in risky online behaviors that eventually led to dangerous real-life sexual encounters with much older men. While my own tweens don’t know the details, they do know the surface-level story.
I pride myself on my ability to be open with my children. They are comfortable and confident enough to come to me and speak about their feelings about anything. They know that both my husband and I offer a safe, judgment-free space, and we have spent years cultivating this type of healthy environment. Still, we are not perfect — as evidenced by my frustrated and unhelpful outburst.
I turned to a few experts to dive into how I can continue the conversation about sex with my tweens in a healthy and productive way.
Some important things to remember when talking to your kids about sex:
Stevie Stanford, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist at Driftwood Recovery in Texas, outlined the following key reminders when approaching conversations about sex.
The “sex talk” isn’t a one-and-done conversation. “Make sure they know that you are open to questions anytime they come up. And make sure the conversation continues to develop as they mature — so they grow into adults that feel comfortable having conversations about sex with future partners.”
Avoid associating shame with sex: If you’re embarrassed when you’re talking to your kids about sex, your kids are likely also going to feel embarrassed. “So many people have shame around sex, and it feels taboo to broach the topic. We need to change this culture and make sex a topic that is easier to talk about for everyone,” Stanford said.
The “sex talk” shouldn’t just involve talking about sex: “It’s important to make sure to discuss consent, respect, pleasure and communication. Explain to them that it’s important the consent is not only mutual but enthusiastic. I like the mantra ‘The only consent is enthusiastic consent.’”
If you are like me and you engaged in risky sexual behavior, you might feel one of two ways: Some parents feel they want to hide their past out of shame, embarrassment or fear that they’ll come across as a hypocrite. Other parents might want to share their story because they want to impart a lesson.
“If a parent had a traumatic experience with sex or sexual activity, I’d suggest that person gets properly healed before embarking on a discussion about that experience with anyone besides a therapist,” Dr. Uchenna Umeh, a pediatrician also known as Dr. Lulu, told HuffPost. “Parents should not avoid sharing devastating or traumatic aspects of their pasts in an attempt to protect or shield their children. Rather, get the needed help for your healing and then... create a teaching moment.”
Umeh suggests the following conversation model when sharing any type of teaching moment with your children: “What worked (WW), what didn’t work (WDW), what you’d do differently (WDD).”
If your child is part of the LGBTQ+ community, it’s important to “seek counsel, preferably, from someone who themselves are in healthy queer relationships” if you are not part of the community, Umeh said. “The crucial thing here again is to avoid negativity, shame, blame or guilting when sharing information with your child.”
“There is no one right way to ask questions and share information,” added Dr. Michelle Forcier, a clinician at Folx Health in Boston. Forcier, a pediatrician, said parents should ask themselves: “What does my child need? What can my child handle and manage? What is best for this child at this time?”
The resounding message from each expert was that conversations about sex with your preteens and teens should be ongoing and as low-stress and conversational as possible. When it comes to my own experiences with risky sex, these past experiences actually matter a lot less than I thought. If my kids are curious about my past, we can discuss it in age-appropriate and generalized ways, but our conversations should be attuned to their own needs and interests.
“Be curious and let your child or teen tell you what they know, what they want to know and what they are worried or excited about,” Forcier said.
