How to Explore a Praise Kink If You’re Seriously Turned On by Validation
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Sure, sex itself is great, but have you ever experienced the absolute high of a partner raving about your form mid-bang or telling you straight-up that you’re the hottest thing they’ve ever experienced? Or maybe it’s that no one can make them feel the way you do. Whew! For plenty of folks, a little (or a ton of) verbal affirmation is a major turn-on—and if you’re looking to nail your dirty talk, you’d call that a praise kink.
A kink can be anything that’s both erotic and a “plot twist,” Shadeen Francis, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist in Philadelphia, tells SELF. “It isn’t what you’d expect in terms of vanilla sex,” whatever that might mean for you, she says. A praise kink, then, just links that definition to positive words; it means you get sexual pleasure, arousal, or satisfaction from affirmation or compliments, Francis says.
Plenty of people enjoy praise, but it can feel especially good to receive it for sex stuff—“skills that are secretive, that nobody really talks about,” Lexx Brown-James, EdD, LMFT, director of the Sexual Health Certificate Program at the University of Michigan’s School of Social Work, tells SELF. Chances are, you didn’t take a class on, say, giving a blow job or being a fantastic bottom. “So knowing that you were the reason somebody’s turned on, and getting that affirmation in real time, can be super hot,” Dr. Brown-James says.
Below, experts share why affirmation during sex can feel so damn good, how to tell if you have a praise kink, and advice on asking for or showering a partner with sexy compliments.
Wait, so where does a praise kink come from?
It’s natural to wonder if there’s some deeper reason you crave validation in bed—but Dr. Brown-James wants to emphasize that there’s nothing wrong with you if you have a praise kink. Yes, it’s possible that you might’ve missed out on some affirmation in your childhood or in a prior romantic partnership, but “[this desire for praise] doesn’t have to be born out of hardship,” she says. Being all buttered up or told that you’re a very good girl during sex might just be hot to you, plain as that.
Some context might prop that up too: For instance, maybe you received a ton of praise in your formative years, so that feels positive and normal to you now; or perhaps you’ve had great sex experiences in the past where the words were a standout feature, Francis says. Or maybe none of the above is true—after all, we’re hardwired to be social creatures, she adds. “And as part of our drive for that connection, we also tend to care about validation and reassurance [from others].” Which can certainly apply in a sexual context too.
How to tell if you have a praise kink
Let’s try a mini quiz: Does the idea of a partner raving about how you feel to them or monologuing about how much you turn them on get you going? What about telling you how well you treat them, or that they love it when you [insert action here] with your [insert body part here]? If you answered yes to any of the above, then congratulations! You may have a praise kink.
To get a bit more technical, pay attention to your response when you receive praise, Francis says. “It may not lead to instant fireworks or a romantic swoon or a raging boner,” she says, “but maybe there are some butterflies, or you feel like you want to experience it again.” Actively seeking out affirmation, especially during sex, is a flashing-red indicator.
You can also look at your behavior outside the bedroom, Francis adds. Is it meaningful to you if someone lets you know you’ve done a good job, offers you a piece of positive feedback, or writes you a card to accompany a gift? None of that necessarily means you have a praise kink, but really appreciating affirmation in platonic or work settings could be a precursor to getting off from it with the right partner. “If you’re attracted to someone who gives you a compliment, and you feel that tingle, or you’re like, ‘Oh, I want to hear them say that again,’” then it may be worth exploring praise in bed, Dr. Brown-James says.
Okay, I want to be told how amazing I am during sex. How do I ask for praise?
The simplest way is to say something like: “When you feel turned on by me or something I do, I would like you to let me know,” Dr. Brown-James says. Or you can be a little less direct with something like: “It really turns me on to know that I did a good job in turning you on,” she says. Assuming they want to get you off, there’s a good chance they’ll follow suit and start verbalizing it whenever they’re feeling aroused.
Not to be Captain Obvious, but if there’s something specific you’d like to hear, you can also ask for that directly, as in: “Hey, I’d really love it if one time while we’re [insert action here], you said something like [insert words of your fantasies here],” Francis says.
The same thing applies if you have certain physical attributes that you’d like for them to basically worship…or utterly avoid in conversation. “That might look like, ‘I feel self-conscious about this part of my body,’ and either yes please say something kind about it if it’s honest, or please don’t say anything about it because I’m trying to have a neutral relationship to it,” Francis says. On the flip side, you might say: “This is my favorite body part, so I’d love to hear it if you also like how it looks or feels when we’re having sex.”
How to explore a praise kink
1. Talk about it first to get an idea of what you’d both like.
It might seem a little meta to talk about talking, Francis says, but it’s good practice before you start doing anything during sex—yes, even showering your partner in praise—to get on the same page. After all, what you think is incredibly hot to say might not be what they find arousing to hear. Not to mention, in the case of compliments about appearance, it can be tough to receive even supportive words about a body part that you tend to fixate on or dislike, and it may even have the effect of making you more vigilant, Francis says, which you certainly don’t want.
To avoid something being taken the wrong way mid-sex, it’s never a bad idea to ask ahead of time, as in: “Hey, if I said that I love [how your butt looks] when we hook up, would that be a thumbs up or a thumbs down for you?” Francis suggests. Or “[Your thighs] really turn me on. Can I compliment them when we’re having sex?” Dr. Brown-James says. This way, you can gauge their response without potentially ruining a moment.
2. Practice giving and receiving compliments in a non-sexual context.
If you and your partner don’t typically notice and affirm little things about each other throughout the day, it’s probably going to feel kinda random or out-of-the-blue at best—and jarring at worst—if you start being super effusive during sex. So make a ritual out of identifying and complimenting small actions that your partner takes as they’re going about their day (like, “I really love the way you tuck your hair behind your ears before you brush your teeth,” Francis suggests) to get the words of affirmation flowing.
A bonus? That’ll get you paying attention to the details, Francis says, which tend to be the things that light people up the most—so you’ll be primed to offer more specific (and thus more meaningful) compliments come sexy time.
3. Focus your words on their actions.
Commending your partner’s behavior in bed is a spicy way to make them feel needed, desired, and appreciated. You might say, “You’re really good with your hands [or mouth or hips] that way,” or just a simple, “You’re so good at that,” in the moment. You could also allude to something happening in the future to stoke their arousal, like, “I can’t wait for you to touch me later tonight,” or “I can’t wait to feel you do [sexy action],” Dr. Brown-James says.
Another tack? Rave about their response to your touch, as in: “I love the way you come for me,” Dr. Brown-James adds. The more specific you can get to whatever you both enjoy, the better.
4. Highlight their character or physical traits.
You can’t go wrong complimenting an aspect of their personality that makes them who they are—like their confidence, intelligence, selflessness, kindness, or, yes, sexiness, which can be as much about their character as it is their physique, Francis says.
Saying something like, “It turns me on how smart you are,” can transform a garden-variety compliment into something hot enough for sex. Not to mention, this specific praise can also set the stage for the kinds of affirmations that are great across the board, like “You deserve pleasure,” or “You deserve to be worshiped,” or “You’re so worthy,” Francis says.
You can also call out specific body parts in your praise, assuming you know that they’re comfortable with you drawing attention to them—as in, “I can’t get over how good your ass looks,” or “Your boobs look so sexy right now.” Or you could describe those attributes in the context of different sensations, like “I love the sound our bodies make,” or “I love the softness of your skin against mine,” Dr. Brown-James suggests. This way, you’re sharing how their body affects you versus just how it looks—which can feel even more intimate.
5. Rave about the way they make you feel.
A twist on the above is to just talk about the effect they have on you, Francis says—something like, “You make me feel so excited,” or “I feel so lucky to be with you,” or even, “Every time I look at you, I am overwhelmed by how fucking awesome you are.” Sure, there’s nothing super explicit about these comments, but whispered in their ear or spoken at just the right moment, they could rev things up for dirtier praise to come—like, “I love the way you make my body feel,” or “…how you take control of me,” as Dr. Brown-James suggests.
6. Use words to reinforce a sexy power dynamic.
Speaking of control, praise can play a starring role in BDSM play. Perhaps the most classic example is the dominant partner telling their submissive that they’re such a good girl, good boy, or good pet. Or they might compliment the sub on their skills (“You’re doing such a good job,” or “That’s exactly what I wanted”) to affirm their ability, Dr. Brown-James says, while also keeping them in their place and reminding them of whom they’re serving. (Hot!)
With a simple shift in wording, praise can also flow in the opposite direction—from the submissive partner to the dominant one—also in the name of emphasizing the existing power arrangement and ramping up pleasure and arousal. That might sound something like, “I trust you so much,” or “You take such good care of me,” Francis says.
Even if you’re not using language to play with control, BDSM practices can be a helpful model for exploring any affirmation-based kink for the first time. “It starts with not assuming that we know what another person wants unless they’ve explicitly asked for it and taking things slow,” Francis says. Because the hottest praise you can get in bed will always be the kind that you feel comfortable receiving and that lifts up the traits and talents you want to be noticed.
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Originally Appeared on SELF
