How to Make Friends in a New City After College
Klaus Vedfelt
Teen Vogue's Twentysomethings Guide is your go-to resource for the more confusing parts of going out on your own.
Maybe you graduated from university with the same kids you grew up sharing Gushers with or, on the flip side, you moved around so much you were perpetually the Cady Heron of your new school. Either way, getting settled in a new city and building community outside the cozy confines of a college campus can feel a little harrowing. Without the built-in network that goes with attending the same school, where do you even begin?
Making new friends in a new city post-graduation might be scary, yes, but it’s far from impossible. First of all, you’ve already accomplished a lot: You made the decision to put down roots somewhere new, and that deserves a round of applause.
Here, with the help of a experts and a few people who recently conquered a move in their twenties, are some promising, action-oriented ideas you can put into practice to start finding your people, which will help you feel right at home in a new place.
Don’t Panic
First things first: Brooklyn-based facilitator and coach Nasimeh B.E. says you should expect to feel nerves when wading into these unfamiliar waters. “People are so intimidated by putting themselves out there,” says B.E. “That makes sense. Rejection is one of our greatest fears — and activates our limbic system, to get totally nerdy.”
Although it's typical, social anxiety doesn’t have to rule your situation. “What helps is to take the pressure off and normalize [the feeling],” B.E. continues. “Yes, you're scared. That's okay! That makes sense. But remember: You've done other things that scared you before. You moved to this new city, didn't you? And you can do more.”
Turn to Your Phone
No, no. Not doomscrolling. Instead, focus on finding neighborhood-specific Facebook groups and Instagram accounts for local aficionados of various special interests. Buy Nothing groups on Facebook, for instance, could help you dress up your new pad while also connecting you to neighbors. And Instagram’s Discovery tab is a great place to search hashtags like #columbusknitters or #hikingasheville. See what you scare up while tapping around. Take note of what some of these accounts post, and therein lies your opportunity to swing by a local clothing swap or visit a local pop-up market and immerse yourself with like-minded folks.
Also, don’t rule out apps for linking you to promising new friends. Katrina, a labor outreach coordinator, turned to Bumble BFF when she moved to Austin at 23. “I planned a picnic at a park with my Bumble BFF matches, and a group of six of us began hanging out regularly at parks or outdoor patios,” Katrina recalls. “This was before the [COVID] vaccine and nobody felt comfortable spending time with other people indoors.”
Ask for Set Ups
Consider blasting out a big BCC email to your current groups of friends to ask for connections in your new city. Include a list of activities you’d try on a friend date, such as random 2000s-pop culture factoid game night, hitting the local thrift store circuit, or getting involved in a community garden. Don’t be freaked out to cast a super-wide net. Let your existing network put you in email or text touch with potential new buds. You never know who’s cousin’s old roommate could live right around the corner and become your go-to bar-trivia teammate, or what other great people you could meet through that cousin’s old roommate.
At 22, Isabella, a public radio producer, left her hometown in Atlanta for Washington, DC, for a fellowship at NPR. Before the relocation, she posted on X (formerly Twitter) and asked for tips. “I had an [X] mutual who I knew had interned at NPR, and she actually connected me with her roommate and the apartment I would end up living in for all four years I was in DC,” Isabella says. “Luckily, my roommate was super-friendly and intentionally included me in plans with her friends, which I'm eternally grateful for.”
It costs nothing to send out an exploratory line. Isabella found even more community through X, adding, “If I thought their [posts] were funny or we were in a similar career or we just had stuff in common based on social media, I would ask people to get coffee or a drink or whatever, and that turned into friendships too.”
Become a Regular
Find places that feel like home to you — a vegan cafe, record shop, spin class — and keep going back. Make an effort to chat with the employees as well as fellow regulars you keep running into. At first it might feel awkward to start talking with a total stranger in these places, but remember: You already have that place in common and, presumably, a shared interest. If you love the vinyl record another person is carrying around while browsing, say so, or if a fellow cafe patron gets a juice that looks interesting, ask them about it.
As long as you keep your initial approach fairly open and short, don’t worry about putting anyone out by going up to them. Simply by cracking open the door, you present an invitation, and it’s up to them how to respond. If every approach doesn’t yield an instant BFF, that’s fine. Introducing yourself to new people is like anything else: It will get easier the more you practice.
Give Back
Volunteer work for causes you’re passionate about is really a no-lose situation. Not only do you get to give back with a feel-good activity, such as walking adoptable dogs at a local shelter or turning the compost at a community garden, “it helps to meet people who care about something just like you do,” says B.E. “It helps you connect — and stay connected.”
Stay Open
If you identify as an introverted house cat, it’s okay to learn more about book clubs than, say, warehouse raves when setting out to build a new network of besties. But if a fellow book club member invites everyone to a potluck at a local park, make an effort to join and, when there, talk to some new people.
Isabella says she managed her narrow budget with this in mind: “Making it a priority to pay for a yoga membership also led me to make friends at the studio, who introduced me to their friends, and so on….” she explains. “I forced myself to be friendly and social and extroverted much more than I did back home, but it paid off.”
It might take effort, but if it starts to feel too much like work, those might not be your people. “It's okay to not want to be friends with everyone,” Katrina says. “It's good to keep an open mind and be open to new types of people, but pay attention to how you feel around your new friends and acquaintances. Invest in the relationships that make your life richer, divest from the ones who leave you feeling drained.”
B.E. reminds us that embarking on any new relationship necessitates taking a small risk. “Put yourself out there — and be rejected!” she says. “That's also normal. And you'll be okay. Just keep going, keep trying. You'll find your people.”
Originally Appeared on Teen Vogue
