How to Make Friends If You're Queer: Tips on Building Queer Community
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Welcome to Soft Launch, a column by Elyse Fox on mental health and wellbeing in a world that often feels anything but soft and cushy. In this installment of the column, Elyse talks to queer people about building community.
June is Pride month and, although LGBTQ rights have seen progress, recent years have tested that. With increasing anti-LGBTQ laws being both proposed and passed, data from the Trevor Project showed the negative mental health impact these laws can have. And, the rise of book bans has made it tougher for people to get their hands on stories and information that shed light on diverse experiences and history. Last year, 4,240 books were targeted for censorship, according to the American Library Association, and 47% of those books were about race, racism, and the LGBTQIA+ community. But even amid all these challenges, queer people are finding joy in community. According to that same Trevor Project data, a supportive community can boost mental health for queer and trans people.
In a world that often challenges identities and pressures labels, finding a sense of pride in oneself can be a journey fraught with obstacles. However, one of the most powerful tools in this journey is community. Whether it’s an online network of like-minded individuals or a physical space to gather with people who ‘get it,’ communities play a crucial role in supporting and affirming personal pride.
Shahem Mclaurin (they/them) LMSW, a trauma therapist who focuses their efforts on supporting queer communities, says that, for many queer people, the internet has been a crucial tool in fostering community. “With safety it’s important to recognize how queer the internet is. It can be a catalyst towards in-person community,” they say. “It can be a great starting point but not the end all be all. Using online and digital spaces has been a great way for us to connect with each other, the future is queer and it’s on the internet if you ask me.”
With that in mind, Mclaurin also encourages people to take their community building offline. The internet is a great starting point, but moving into IRL spaces takes work. “If you want community, you have to water it,” they say. “Some people think community just falls out of the sky but it’s truly something that requires work and effort, and don’t be afraid to be the first person to extend a hand.”
In honor of Pride month, I sat down with two queer people to discuss their journey, progress, and tips to finding a community that resonates with you.
Shakira Jackson (she/her), Fiber Artist
Elyse Fox: What’s your ethnic background?
Shakira Jackson: I’m Bajan and Trinidadian and I identify as queer.
EF: Did you find community within your home?
SJ: No, my parents were not open about things like that, they’re not super affectionate. They never created a space for that.
EF: Where did you first find your community or safe space?
SJ: My cousin, at the time, was dating women and anytime I had a question about women and dating, she would answer it. I could talk to her about anything. She’s two years older than me and it was nice to have someone I trusted and who understood me.
EF: How has your community shifted as an adult and how does that impact who you are today?
SJ: My community now is a bunch of entrepreneurs and creatives. I don’t really speak about it [my sexuality] that much; it’s who I am and people know it but it doesn’t define me as a person. That doesn’t mean I’m not super proud of who I am, people just know and respect it. Leaving my very small neighborhood of Far Rockaway, Queens has exposed me to many different identities and feeling cool with being an individual.
EF: What advice or tips would you give someone who’s navigating self-acceptance and community?
SJ: If you’re not happy then no one is. You have to make yourself happy because that’s who you have to spend the most time with. Always be your true self and, if the people around you can’t be in your life with ease because of who you are, then I would let them go. Family or not, it’s not worth it.
Sophia Yeshi (she/her), Graphic Designer.
EF: What’s your ethnic background?
Sophia Yeshi: I'm half Pakistani and half Black and white. My dad is from Pakistan and my mom is Black and white. It's pretty non-traditional.
EF: Was your sexuality accepted growing up?
SY: My mom is gay and I grew up with her until I was 11. I feel like queerness was always normal to me. I had two moms from the time I was two until I was seven, she was a long-term partner. It felt like this was what everybody did, everybody had two moms. I thought, this is very normal. I remember going to school in the fourth grade, and I told some of my friends, “Oh, my mom's gay,” and it got out to the whole class. This is also when cicadas were plentiful around Baltimore. So, you know, the kids are making fun of me, and then there's cicadas flying around. I felt like hell, it was my literal hell.
EF: I’m sure it was tough being open about your home life at school. Kids can be so cruel. Where did you find support?
SY: I feel like I was kind of lonely as a child. I was always looking for some type of connection. I think I found that via the internet and finding friends online. I feel like that just opened up a whole other world for me. My interest in graphic design felt almost connected to that.
In college there were safe spaces, one being a queer party called Version. It still exists now. I was designing the flyers for them back then. I was going there every weekend and it just felt like this place where I could just go and be myself.
EF: What advice or tips would you give someone who’s navigating self-acceptance and community?
SY: If you don't have access to places in real life, lean into spaces online and try to find community that way, [but] obviously be safe about it. That was my first entry into finding a community that wasn't directly around me. It made me feel like I had a place where I could exist freely. It's important to know, we're not alone in the experiences that we have.
Originally Appeared on Teen Vogue
