Is Giving a Marriage Ultimatum in a Relationship Ever a Good Idea?
COURTESY OF NETFLIX
When you’re ready to get married but the One isn’t quite there yet, it’s natural to feel a little stuck. At first, you might try dropping hints about your dream wedding venue or casually mentioning how so-and-so just got engaged. But when those nudges still aren’t working—and every conversation about the future ends in vague “someday…” promises—it’s easy to see how that simmering frustration can push someone toward a bold, final move: the ultimatum. Marry me…or we’re done.
Even if you personally don’t relate to this urge, you might wonder how well marriage ultimatums work after seeing them play out in the latest season of Netflix’s namesake show. Like most reality TV series, The Ultimatum (which gives couples eight weeks to decide whether they’ll commit to marriage or break up) isn’t the most accurate reflection of real-life relationships. But the concept of marriage ultimatums is more common than you may think, Molly Burrets, PhD, a Los Angeles–based psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California’s Department of Marriage and Family Therapy, tells SELF. They might just sound more like, “If you don’t propose in the next two years, I’m leaving,” than “I’m walking out of your life if I don’t get a sparkly rock by the season finale.”
The question still remains whether ultimatums are as successful IRL as they are in the Netflix universe. At first glance, these demands may seem like a powerful way to get what you’re after—or at least gain some much-needed clarity. In fact, “it makes sense to crave reassurance when you’re all-in on one person,” Dr. Burrets says. And an ultimatum might feel like the only option to “scare” your partner into stepping up…or finally giving you the confirmation you need about whether this relationship is worth your continued effort.
But as tempting as this approach might sound, setting such hard deadlines is almost always a terrible idea, according to Dr. Burrets. For one, “if you’re at the point of issuing an ultimatum, you already have your answer, because if they wanted to give you what you’re asking for, they would’ve done it,” she says.
Beyond the likelihood of an unwanted outcome, ultimatums can also be a sneaky form of manipulation, even if that wasn’t your intention. That’s because the whole “do this or else” sentiment creates a dynamic that’s less about mutual respect and more about control, Dr. Burrets says. While there’s nothing wrong with hoping to be engaged within a certain time frame, pushing another person to make a major life decision based on the fear of losing you—and not because they’re genuinely ready—is not the sort of healthy communication that helps relationships thrive, to say the least.
Even if your significant other does agree to your terms, Dr. Burrets warns that “successful” ultimatums have their downsides too. Chances are, you won’t feel as satisfied as you expected, since “you’ll always know in the back of your mind that you had to leverage something as important as your relationship’s future to get your way,” she explains. Even worse, your partner might end up feeling resentful for being forced or rushed into something they weren’t fully on board with, Dr. Burrets adds, which can definitely strain your bond long-term. (Not exactly the vibe you want heading down the aisle.)
Of course, the answer here isn’t just “suck it up and wait for the yes.” There’s nothing wrong with desiring that lifelong commitment and refusing to waste your time with someone who isn’t ready for it. But instead of issuing a marriage ultimatum, Dr. Burrets recommends being vocal about your priorities in a calm, loving way that invites your partner to share their own perspective.
If you haven’t already, initiate an open dialogue with the goal of checking in about the subject of marriage. When in doubt, use “I” statements—they’re useful for making your feelings clear, while still leaving space for a two-way conversation, Dr. Burrets says. So instead of “You need to propose by next year, or else we’re done,” try “I’ve always pictured myself being married by the time I’m 30. How do you feel about that?” Or, “I want to feel like we’re moving forward together. If marriage isn’t something you see happening, let’s talk about that.”
This approach gives your loved one the chance to respond honestly—whether they reassure you that they’re simply waiting for the right moment, explain they have a different timeline in mind, or open up in another way. Or they might continue to dodge the topic, no matter how many healthy communication skills you employ. If that’s the case, their lack of an answer might actually be your answer, even if it wasn’t the one you were hoping for.
“It’s okay—encouraged, actually—to be upfront about what you want and to stick to your guns, even if that means ending the relationship,” Dr. Burrets says. But deep down, you probably know that peer-pressuring your SO into saying “I do” won’t magically create the happily-ever-after of your dreams. And whether or not you technically miss your deadline, you deserve someone who commits because they really, truly want to—not because they have to.
Related:
Why You Really Shouldn’t Expect ‘Closure’ After a Relationship Ends
How Bad Is It to Go Through Your Partner’s Phone When They’re Not Looking?
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Originally Appeared on Self
