Healthy relationships: What to know about safety planning for the holidays

Jennifer Pencek

As we get ready for the smell of turkey and naps on the couch and then the influx of December hustle and bustle, there are countless people in Centre County — and everywhere — in survival mode as they navigate abusive relationships or the aftermath of traumatic episodes. While the holidays can be full of joy and a sense of community, the holidays can also be full stress and even danger. Below are a few suggestions for survivors and loved ones of survivors for making the holidays feel safer.

Safety Planning for the Holidays

Communication

Many victims/survivors feel isolated in their unhealthy or abusive relationships. Reaching out to family and friends can be an important step in healing. It can help to discuss safe times and ways to communicate. You might consider if there are times during the day when the victim/survivor is typically away from their abusive partner. Or, it might be safer for them to e-mail or text rather than call. Make sure the abusive partner does not have access to the survivor’s e-mail account or phone before using these methods. Plan to keep checking in during the holidays.

Traveling safely

You may want to know your rights and options for seeking safe/affordable health care while traveling. Because reporting laws for medical providers are different from state to state, you may want to ask your provider what they would need to disclose to the authorities if they are made aware of abuse. This way you can best decide what you feel comfortable and safe disclosing. If you do decide to make a report to a health care professional, ask if a copy of the medical report can be given to you or sent to a safe address for documentation.

Other tips to consider:

  • Give your itinerary, including where you’ll be staying and all contact information, to a trusted friend or family member;

  • Keep copies of your documents (passport, driver’s license, visa, etc.) with you if possible and/or leave copies with a trusted friend or family member who will not be influenced by your partner;

  • Be aware of the available resources, such as shelters or coalitions, in the area you’re traveling to and keep their information readily available to you. It may also be a good idea to have a list of nearby hotels you can stay in if you have to escape your partner; and

  • Know the emergency number for the area you’re staying in.

Planning for visits

A victim/survivor knows best what will help them feel safe, so consider discussing ways to make parties or family visits safer. An example is asking if alcohol tends to worsen an abusive partner’s behavior. Could the family or friend group make a commitment to not have alcohol around or limit the amount served? If you’re a victim/survivor who does not feel safe sleeping in the same room as your partner, consider talking with your hosts or family about finding a separate couch or sharing a room with other guests or family members.

Planning for time alone

Abuse is about power and control, and many unhealthy or abusive partners may try to exert control by keeping their partners from spending time alone or with others. If you’re a family member or friend, you might try to create opportunities for space by asking the victim/survivor to go on a shopping trip or errand with you, go for a walk or workout, invite them to a religious celebration, or have them help you with a chore/holiday prep activity.

Remember, we can’t make decisions for others and should hesitate to judge those we love who are in unhealthy relationships or dealing with other forms of trauma. There is so much shame and self-blame victims/survivors often feel. Let’s show love and support instead of judgment and isolation. You may notice how a gift of compassion and safety is worth more to victims/survivors than anything you could wrap in a box. Make the bow on top be you extending a listening ear and offering resources.

Learn more about Centre Safe at www.centresafe.org. Our free/confidential 24/7 hotline is staffed by trained advocates: 1-877-234-5050.

Jennifer Pencek is the executive director of Centre Safe.