HGTV Is the Ultimate Channel to Hate-Watch
After a long day of work, there is nothing better than winding down with a glass of Chardonnay, a square of fine dark chocolate, and some good ol' fashioned screaming at HGTV. At this point, yelling at the hosts and clients on Home and Garden Television's myriad of makeover shows is basically more American than apple pie. I text my friends about the latest dummies on House Hunters more often than I call my mom. I dream about Chip and Joanna Gaines covering me in shiplap. I complain in work chats about the fact that I even know what shiplap is. (For the record, shiplap is a type of wooden board that's super rustic in appearance and makes everything look like the side of a gd boat and Joanna Gaines loves it more than she loves her husband.)
It's taken over my life, and I hate it, and I can't stop. I want to quit, but I don't think I can, because whenever I'm trying to wind down, or want to forget my problems, or am even just a tiniest bit bored, my hand becomes possessed and hits channel 229 on my remote. I think it's because, deep-down, my hatred of HGTV is the ultimate joy-giving stress relief. That joy is a direct result of having a place to yell out my rage toward the world - I can't ram my car into the dude who cut me off in traffic (pesky laws!), but I can channel that pure rage at the lunatics who choose to put carpet in their bathroom. From my throne (couch), I can poo-poo the goofballs on HGTV until the end of time, and then take a shower and go to bed, happy. It's a better anger-diffuser than kickboxing!
And like magic, my TV lights up with the telegenic (lying!) faces of Christina and Tarek. Or the can-do mugs of Drew and Jonathan Scott. Or the dulcet tones of Andromeda Dunker on House Hunters. Instantly, my blood pressure shoots up slightly and I feel my eyes instinctively roll. As I watch these pretty people pretend to to fix homes, I'm ready to rumble. This is my Sunday football - some people yell at a screen because men are running around in giant pads, and others yell at the screen because Joanna is insisting on putting shiplap in a craftsman! WHAT IS SHE THINKING!
I can't ram my car into the dude who cut me off in traffic, but I can channel that pure rage at the lunatics who choose to put carpet in their bathroom.
Which brings me to the shiplap, the fucking shiplap, and don't get me started on the tiny houses, and the way too big houses. The ubiquitous stainless steel kitchen appliances and quartz countertops. I'm about to have a fever stroke thinking about how many times I've screamed at the TV about fingerprints on stainless steel. Why does everyone on this network have such a hard-on for freaking stainless steel?!
And don't get me started on the hosts. Behind the perfect facade is a tragic mess of infidelity, hate, and just general batshit craziness. It's well-documented that everyone on HGTV is a liar or a fake or super hateful, and I still don't care! It just makes my hate-watching that much more enjoyable.
And it's not just the hosts that drive me crazy; it's their freaking "clients" that make me the most bonkers. I could go on and on about the special people who appear on HGTV shows: the young couples just beginning, who have more money than I'll ever have in my life to spend on their "starter homes"; the couples with the insane requirements for their dream homes like 5 bedrooms, 9 baths, and in a neighborhood with a restaurant dedicated to cupcakes and unicorns; the people obsessed with open floor plans (and half the time have no clue what an open floor plan even is); the people who are obsessed with granite countertops; the house hunters who say they're looking for something with "charm" and "character" and end up picking out some bland McMansion. These people! They will be the DEATH OF ME. If I spend another evening yelling at two dummies as they hem and haw over whether or not they can live with a lime green kitchen (YOU CAN PAINT OVER IT, FRIENDS), then I might actually give myself a coronary.
And again, I won't stop. I think it's because home porn is the best porn (outside of sex porn), and also because it's both fun and angry-making to watch other people make decisions you find distasteful or objectionable. I mean, I know if I had the chance to House Hunt Internationally, I would make much better choices. Although I also know that it's very easy to arm-chair diagnosis another person's problems whilst ignoring your own, so who knows. I'd probably be the worst HGTV personality of all.
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