Experts Say This Skill Will Improve All Of Your Relationships—Here's How To Build It
Human beings experience an array of emotions in almost every moment of their life, with each one typically lasting anywhere from a few minutes to several hours at a time. This is to say, life can be an emotional rollercoaster sometimes, so knowing how to accurately identify and regulate your emotions—and perceive and respond to the emotions of others around you—is crucial to building and maintaining relationships, staying balanced, and reaching your goals. Plus, it’s a key indicator of being an emotionally intelligent person.
What is emotional intelligence, exactly? “It’s a set of hard skills” related to the ability to perceive, connect, understand, and manage emotions, says David Caruso, PhD, a consulting psychologist at Yale University and co-founder of Emotional Intelligence Skills Group. It involves demonstrating self-awareness and self-regulation, showing empathy, and cultivating the kind of social skills that help people navigate uncomfortable or difficult situations. Sometimes referred to as EI or EQ, emotional intelligence also plays “a huge role in conflict resolution by helping to prevent miscommunications and ruptures, and facilitate quicker repair and compromise,” adds Stephanie Catella, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and co-author of The Emotional Intelligence Skills Workbook.
While some people may be more naturally adept at recognizing and understanding their emotions than others, it's a skill that can be learned, too. “Emotional intelligence can be built and enhanced [by anyone] at any age, and it is something that you can develop over your lifetime with practice,” says Robin Stern, PhD, a licensed psychoanalyst, author, and co-founder and senior advisor at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.
People with high levels of emotional intelligence tend to be empathic, resilient, self-aware, and perceptive. They engage in more prosocial behaviors, have better decision-making abilities, and are less likely to experience symptoms of depression, anxiety, and burnout. “Emotional intelligence isn't just for your close relationships; it's really for all of our interactions as a human species,” says Catella. So, if you’re trying to develop better relationships and a better mindset, building EI skills can help you achieve these goals, adds Caruso.
Ahead, psychologists share several tips on how you can better understand and manage your emotions, build strong social skills, and ultimately become a more emotionally intelligent person.
10 Ways To Improve Your Emotional Intelligence
1. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.
One of the first steps to cultivating emotional intelligence is simply allowing yourself to sit with your emotions. “You can begin that process by giving yourself the permission to feel, along with [taking on] the mindset that there are no good or bad emotions—just helpful and unhelpful ways of dealing with our feelings,” says Stern. When you intentionally sit with your feelings without trying to suppress or avoid them, you’re able to actively acknowledge and experience your emotions fully. In turn, this can help you reflect on your emotional triggers and become more aware of your inner emotional state.
“Most emotions last between seven to 15 minutes, but only if we get out of their way and observe them,” says Catella. To better understand your feelings, she recommends sitting with them for a few minutes each day, and then asking yourself: If this emotion could speak, what would it tell me?
“Sometimes our emotions have very helpful messages, and sometimes they don’t,” she says. From there, ask yourself: Does the message of this emotion take me in a direction that's going to make my life feel more satisfying, or is that going to take me in a direction that might actually cause more harm to me or the people I care about? Exploring the source of your feelings and emotions, and knowing how to best respond to them, is a key aspect of emotional intelligence.
2. Build an emotional vocabulary.
Once you learn how to sit with and observe your feelings, it’s important to be able to accurately acknowledge and identify them. “Paying attention to body cues and developing a rich emotional vocabulary can help you label your emotions,” says Stern. “When you can accurately name your emotions, you will be able to better manage them.”
For example, some people might describe the way they’re feeling as simply “bad” or “not good,” but an emotionally intelligent person would be able to pinpoint whether they’re feeling anxious, frustrated, annoyed, or disappointed. The more specific your word choice is, the better insight you will have into knowing exactly how you’re feeling, what caused that particular emotion, and how you should respond to it.
“Each one of those feelings has a psychological theme underlying it that may require a different strategy for regulating that specific emotion,” says Stern. “The more you can identify your feelings accurately, the better a chance you have at addressing them specifically and directly.”
Plus, expanding your understanding of different emotions can help you express your feelings and build empathy for others, which are both essential components of maintaining quality social connections. And the more you understand about your own emotions, “the healthier your relationships are likely to be, and the less trouble you’ll have setting boundaries and walking away when things aren’t right for you,” says Stern.
3. Get comfortable with talking about your feelings.
It might feel awkward at first, but after naming your feelings, the next step is to get comfortable discussing them. Putting your feelings into words can help you process your emotions, reduce stress, and gain a better understanding of yourself. “Sometimes we see that something feels off with someone and it's not being expressed directly, but when you're truly being emotionally intelligent, you're not withholding what’s important to you,” says Catella.
By opening up to your loved ones, you’re also setting the stage for deeper relationships, and giving others permission to be honest about how they’re feeling, too. “You don't need to turn your breakfast into a therapy session, but do, by example, let the people in your life know that emotions are okay to talk about,” says Stern.
4. Learn to differentiate your moods from your emotions.
“It's important to differentiate moods from emotions,” says Caruso. One way to do this is by reflecting and asking yourself: Is it possible I am underreacting or overreacting? Is how I’m feeling about this situation due to the fact that I’m in a particular mood? For example, if someone pushes past you to get onto the train during your morning commute, you might feel disgruntled in the moment, but the emotion eventually fades as you move on. However, if it’s a rainy, cloudy morning, you might be in a gloomy mood all day, even if nothing particularly negative has happened to you.
Essentially, while emotions are often short-lived and triggered by specific events, moods can last for a prolonged period and may not have a particular cause. Recognizing the difference between the two can help you identify the source of your feelings, and respond appropriately to situations or challenges that may arise.
5. Learn how to manage your emotions.
Some people may avoid certain emotions because they can feel uncomfortable, overwhelming, or even threatening, “which is a natural human reaction,” says Catella. However, “you truly cannot achieve emotional intelligence skills without being able to sit with your own experience of discomfort,” she adds.
If you struggle with managing certain emotions, try to slow down, tune into physical sensations that are associated with how you’re feeling (or that may be exacerbating your emotions), and identify your emotional triggers. You can also try reappraisal, which is an emotion regulation strategy that involves changing or reinterpreting the way you perceive a particular situation to alter its emotional impact. Once you label your emotions, identify your triggers, and reappraise any distressing experiences, you can start to explore why they carry so much weight and whether or not you can reduce their significance in your life.
“When we say emotions are data, emotion regulation doesn't mean suppressing your experience of emotions or your expression of them,” says Caruso. Learning how to manage your emotions can take some time, but with consistent effort and practice, you’ll be able to lessen the intensity of your emotions and exert control over your emotional state. “And when you do that, especially if you start with more neutral or even moderately unpleasant emotions, then it becomes a lot easier to build up to the hard ones,” says Catella.
6. Seek out honest, constructive feedback from a trusted source.
Receiving clear insights about your emotional responses and behavior is key to building self-awareness and understanding your emotions. However, “you need to be careful about who you ask,” says Caruso. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, colleague, or mentor who can provide honest, constructive feedback on how you manage and express your emotions, handle everyday situations, and interact with others (particularly in challenging scenarios).
It’s important to note, though, that “the more you overestimate your level of emotional intelligence, the less interested you are in seeking feedback [and] developing those skills, and the more likely you are to question the importance of the skills to begin with,” says Caruso. So, even if you feel pretty confident in your EI skills, try to approach feedback with a growth mindset, acknowledging that it’s a valuable opportunity to learn and improve.
Once you receive feedback, take some time to reflect, consider its accuracy and potential implications, and set actionable goals. Ask yourself: What areas can I work on developing? How can I communicate empathy and resolve conflicts more effectively? How should I approach people or certain situations differently? Ultimately, “the more feedback you can get and integrate into your own self-view, the better off you're going to be,” he says.
7. Work on being assertive.
Some people are already fairly acquainted with their emotions, but they struggle with knowing exactly when and how to express them. If this is you, consider learning how to be more assertive with your thoughts and feelings. “Emotional intelligence can be quite helpful for us when there's something that we want to assert because we have an unmet need that needs to be addressed in the relationship,” says Catella. “There are some myths with assertiveness that it's rude, blunt, or even aggressive, but it's actually quite the opposite; assertiveness is when we are clear and direct in stating our emotions, opinions, and needs, but we do it in a way that is warm and respectful of the other person.”
To practice, she recommends taking time at the end of a day to reflect back on where there were potential opportunities to assert yourself. And then, start small. For example, is it easier for you to talk with your partner about your sexual desires than it is to tell a server that you received the wrong order at a restaurant? “And so, you can make a menu of practice opportunities where you have those anchors—what's easiest, what's hardest, and then fill in the list in between. From there, you just very gradually, patiently, work your way up towards the top,” she adds.
8. Engage in reflective listening.
Reflective listening is an essential communication skill and powerful form of active listening that can significantly contribute to building emotional intelligence. This is when you “pause and slow down the cadence of a conversation, and check in with who you're communicating with to make sure that you've understood what's being said,” says Catella. It involves paying full attention to the other person without interrupting them, paraphrasing what they said in your own words to demonstrate understanding, asking clarifying questions, and identifying and verbalizing the emotions that you perceived from them.
Reflective listening allows you to deeply understand the perspectives and emotions of those around you. Plus, it builds trust and shows empathy, which can, in turn, foster stronger social connections. “It's a lot easier to propose a different perspective or express an unmet need when you first make sure that the person you're speaking with feels truly heard and recognized for what they've said so far,” says Catella. In other words, “people's ears tend to be more open when they feel they're being heard.”
9. Express empathy.
Similar to reflective listening, you can demonstrate empathy for others by focusing completely on what the person is saying (both verbally and non-verbally), validating their emotional experiences, and offering support. “Oftentimes, we feel empathy for someone, but I think an area for growth for a lot of us is to take the time and vulnerability of expressing it to them,” says Catella. “So, letting them know, ‘I'm here with you’ or ‘I see your pain.’” To build empathy, consider reading fictional stories and autobiographies, getting out of your comfort zone by learning a new skill or hobby, and questioning your personal biases and snap judgments.
10. Practice mindfulness.
Another great way to build empathy (and emotional intelligence) is by practicing mindfulness. This might look like finding a tranquil space to sit comfortably, closing your eyes, engaging in breathwork, and reflecting on things that you’re grateful for. In doing so, this allows you to “quiet the noise outside of you so that you have the bandwidth and the focus to pay attention to what's happening inside of you,” says Stern. “It can help you recognize how you’re feeling, and reflect in a non-judgmental way on where that feeling's coming from.”
Ultimately, when it comes to building and strengthening your emotional intelligence skills, “it's a matter of how much effort you want to expend, and if you genuinely want to do it,” says Caruso. And while this skill set is not a “magic pill” that will solve all of life’s problems, “it’s certainly a great place to start,” says Stern.
Meet the experts: David Caruso, PhD, is a consulting psychologist at Yale University and co-founder of Emotional Intelligence Skills Group. Stephanie Catella, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and co-author of The Emotional Intelligence Skills Workbook. Robin Stern, PhD, is a licensed psychoanalyst, author, and co-founder and senior advisor at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.
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