I've Never Been A Mother, But Now I'm A Grandma. Here's What That's Like
When I met my husband, his three kids were entering their teens. I was part of their lives, but I wouldn’t say I had a traditional parental role. I was more of a guide and friend. They didn’t live with my husband full time, so although I supported him as a parent, I wasn’t involved in the day-to-day responsibilities of raising children. I have no children of my own, so my experience has primarily been secondhand.
Things changed a bit seven years ago. My husband’s daughter (my stepdaughter) had a baby. I instantly felt a connection when he was born, but I wasn’t sure where I fit in. Should I act like an additional grandparent? Should I see him more as a nephew or a young cousin?
Over time, the answer became clear: He’s my grandson because that’s how our relationship feels. I’ve become a constant presence in his life, mainly because his mother serves in the Army and is a single mom. While she handles out-of-town duties, her son stays with her mother (my husband’s ex) most of the time, but he’s with my husband and me every other weekend until he finishes the school year and moves south to live with his mom permanently.
Learning The Grandparent Role
Many grandparents will tell you their role is one of love, support and guidance. They aren’t usually in charge of the heavy lifting of daily child-rearing. Of course, every family dynamic is unique; some grandparents raise their grandkids completely, or there’s shared responsibility among family members. However, since I never went through the “mother” stage, I’m parenting for the first time through my grandson. It’s a learning process, from figuring out how to feed a growing boy to discussing boundaries and sensitive subjects.
As psychologist Matthew Morand told me, “Navigating first-time experiences in parenting and, for that matter, most things in life, is often given a bad rap from the perspective of ‘messing it up.’ It’s assumed that because one does not have hands-on experience, they can’t become an expert in their own right. When figuring out the best way to work through challenges with a grandchild when you’ve never had a child, treat them how you would’ve wanted to have been treated when you were young.”
Navigating Sensitive Subjects
Complicated, awkward and delicate topics pop up more as my grandson gets older. Curiosity leads to questions we’re not quite prepared to answer. For example, he’s recently become more interested in our family members’ different roles and relationships, like why I consider him my grandson when I’m not his mom’s mom. In fact, he calls me by my first name. Initially, I wondered if I should insist on some derivative of “grandma,” but “Melissa” is OK with me if that makes him comfortable.
Kristen Piering, a licensed clinical psychologist, told me, “Your relationship with your grandson is unlike any other in his life, which is a good thing. Embrace this role for a lifelong relationship.”
I notice how he behaves when we’re alone compared to when his grandpa or mom is around. There’s a part of his personality that comes out; I can tell he’s comfortable being silly with me.
He’s also beginning to understand that his mother’s military job differs from most people’s. Sometimes he’s emotional because she’s away often — although he knows why — and I’ve never seen a young child be prouder of their parent. Such subjects require careful handling; I’m learning the balance of giving him information without overwhelming him.
My approach is to respect his understanding level and be a calming, consistent presence. My role is to reassure and support, and sometimes that means holding back from answering every question in detail but certainly not lying to him.
Boundaries And Discipline
Discipline is another area I’ve had to learn about quickly. My husband and I have established boundaries, but setting limits can be tricky. I question whether I should be stricter or more lenient or let my husband take the lead entirely. On one hand, I want to be the fun grandparent he loves visiting. However, I want him to respect our home and understand that rules are essential to his safety and growth.
Piering recommended, “When a child has many people who care for them, it’s helpful if there’s consistency and stability across homes and caregivers, like bedtime or limits around screen time. This makes transitions easier and allows him to see that the adults in his life can cooperate in his best interest.” We do this as much as we can for all those reasons.
Listening to my grandson and giving him choices work wonders. He feels empowered and respected when he has a say in things — like selecting what game to play or what to wear. As someone without kids, I initially questioned my instincts, but I’ve realized everything is trial and error. This is my first time trying, but even if I had been a mom, there’s no guarantee that what I’d done with my own child would work for my grandchild.
A New Perspective On Parenthood
Would I have been an easygoing mom or would I have been firm, driven by constant responsibilities and challenges? I’ll never know for sure, but taking on a grandparent role has given me a glimpse into what it might’ve been like. Granted, he’s only with us for a few days, then we’re back to our regular schedule. Parenthood generally doesn’t operate like this, so I’ll never know the real trials and tribulations of being “mom.” I won’t experience all the joys of parenthood, either.
There’s a satisfaction in knowing I’m a meaningful part of this boy’s life and supporting his mom’s dedication to our country. I’m learning about my strengths and weaknesses. Raising children is a learning experience for anyone. And like I’m helping shape my grandson, he’s helping shape me, giving me insight and patience I didn’t know I had.
As Piering explained, “Even though you may not have had children, that doesn’t make you any less worthy or able to be a good caregiver. Coming to this role without prior parenting experience means you bring a fresh perspective that allows you to think outside the box and not be bound by conventional parenting standards or practices that were accepted 20-30 years ago.”
Shira Schwartz, a school psychologist and school district administrator who has been working with families for nearly 20 years, has experience with children with multiple caregivers. She shared, “A piece adults often miss is connection and collaboration with kids, especially when problem-solving. I’m not suggesting we do everything kids want us to, but discovering who they are as little humans, taking an interest in their interests, leveraging their passions and strengths, and utilizing empathy is something almost everyone can aspire to do — it’s not some magical skill you get instantly upon birthing a child.”
I’m discovering the parent I might have been while embracing the grandparent I get to be. My decision to not become a mother wasn’t something I took lightly, and I still believe I made the right choice. But I never expected I’d become a grandmother. When I’m with my grandson, I realize family roles are flexible and evolving. He may not be my biological grandson, and I may not have experienced traditional motherhood, but my love for him is undeniable.
