Jamie Otis is opening up about grieving her first son, and her past decisions.
In an Instagram post, Otis shared her and her husband Doug Hehner's first son Johnathan — born at 17 weeks — would have turned seven years old on Thursday.
"Happy birthday to the boy who made me a mommy," she penned in the caption of her post.
"I still wish I had more time with him before he was taken away from me."
The 36-year-old "Married At First Sight" star confessed she "lost a lot of pregnancies, but losing him completely ripped my world apart."
Otis recalled Johnathan having a "perfectly formed body," but being bruised. "All I could think of was all that was stolen from him — from me."
Otis then admitted though she tried to "forgive" herself for her past.
"Part of me always wonders if maybe God took him [because] of those decisions I made when I was in college," she began.
The mom-of-two shared she had two abortions when she was younger, after becoming pregnant to the boy she lost her virginity to. At the time, she was raising her siblings as her father was out of the picture and her mom struggled with addictions.
"I was absolutely devastated... I wish I knew more about how to properly take birth control [because] I would've never been in that situation."
Otis said she doesn't talk about this, because she's not proud of it. "No one who has an abortion is proud of it," she claimed.
But, she said she promised to Johnathan she would keep his memory alive. "We spent today at his tree loving on him from down here," she penned. "Dance with the angels until we meet again."
Her husband Henher showed his support for Otis in the comments.
"I will never know what it’s like from a mother's perspective, and it was awful seeing Jamie have to go through that," he wrote.
"Jamie is the strongest person I know, and has so much love and care inside of her. I know Johnathan felt that love everyday from her. My heart goes out to all the moms that suffered a loss."