I’m a Modernist and My Partner is Shabby-Chic…How Can We Make Our Home Feel Cohesive?

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Question: My partner and I have recently moved in together. She has great taste and an excellent eye for quality. I’ve never worried about blending our personal styles. However, we have an eight-year age difference, and an unforeseen consequence of this is that she, being older than me, emerged into adulthood during the shabby-chic, antique farmhouse design craze of the mid 2000s. (My own style is bright, light, and modern.)

She’s mostly transitioned away from that aesthetic but still has certain pieces that are sentimental and therefore wants to keep (a turquoise distressed record stand, a dining table her aunt refinished, and a small industrial-style telephone table with a weathered blue finish). I don’t want to ask her to get rid of items that mean something to her. How can I bring these pieces into the 2020s? We want to achieve a space that reflects both of us so it feels like home, while also being cohesive.

Sincerely,

Baby Millennial

Sentimental objects are a sensitive thing. What’s meaningful to you won’t necessarily be meaningful to whoever is looking at the object, but comment something critical and it might set off a chain reaction. What do you mean you don’t like my beloved aunt’s refinishing job? You may as well say you don’t care about what’s important to me. The fact that you’re writing in with such care signals that you’re looking for a gentler, diplomatic way forward. (Let’s just hope it isn’t one of those Facebook Marketplace furniture flipper paint jobs over a beautiful teak veneer.)

Moving in together is a thrilling moment in your relationship, Baby Millennial. Nick Spain, a New York–based multidisciplinary designer of textured spaces, suggests first zooming out from the challenge of finding a place for individual items and leaning into what he calls the more “existential” question. Are you viewing the style of your home as something that is static or more open-ended?

“A beautiful thing about entering into a life with someone is growing and evolving,” Spain says. “How can you view this as an opportunity for you to grow as an individual, as part of a relationship, and as somebody who’s sharing your life with another person?”

Assuming you’re up for the challenge of exploring something new together, he suggests diving into aesthetic research, and push yourself to be curious by looking through vintage books and magazines for rooms that incorporate the colors, finishes, and silhouettes of the sentimental objects. “Then use that as a sounding board and develop a shared vocabulary between you and your partner,” Spain says.

He suggests focusing on Scandinavian designers. “With this kind of rustic country vibe plus more modernist leanings, I went to Northern Europe,” Spain says. “So Finn Juhl, Josef Frank, Eric Gunner Asplund—there’s a long history of these rural or pastoral aesthetics bumping up against more modernist gestures.”

In How to Live With Objects: A Guide to More Meaningful Interiors, authors Jill Singer and Monica Khemsurov, of Sight Unseen, dedicate an entire chapter to sentimental objects, which “transform our homes into a rich visual diary,” they write. “We keep these objects not because they look good or make us look good, but because we find them moving.”

If these pieces aren’t feeling cohesive with the rest of the space, Singer suggests finding areas where they can become “a gem of a moment instead of sticking out like a sore thumb,” she says. She thinks you could create a tonal moment in an entryway or a bathroom where you’re building around the object.

Singer also says that refinishing an object, if your partner is open to it, can also help. Having this conversation also involves a delicate touch.

“I would say, ‘I don’t know if this goes with the vision I think that we have for our house; what are some ways that we could amend it or transform it so that it’s still a special piece and maybe it fits in a little bit better?’” And then there’s the opportunity to reframe what the piece is. “You’re transforming it from a sentimental object for one into something that’s sentimental for both because you created it together,” she says.

In this situation, the most important thing is compromise, according to Julia King of the AD-approved Los Angeles–based firm Studio Roene, which is known for its eclectic mixture of antiques, contemporary furniture, color, and texture.

“My husband actually brings home a lot of things I hate,” King says. “But we’re able to have a conversation and figure out a balance of objects that are both his and mine. You both have to be happy with the things that surround you. And sometimes you just have to give some things up in order to get some things.” (Their solution involves rotating objects in the common areas of their home and her husband, who is a creative director and big time thrifter, has a room that’s dedicated to his treasure hunting.)

King believes embracing the shabby chic pieces can help your apartment look like it was designed over time. The character might even make your living room more unique when paired with the cleaner midcentury furniture you like, Baby Millennial.

“I don’t necessarily think that a room would actually look good if it was only in one style,” King says. “A room should always have a balance of opposites. A room filled with wood furniture, that's going to be really boring. But maybe you add something shiny or metallic, something industrial—just the opposite of natural wood. Or if a room has a lot of neutral furniture to begin with, then add bold colors.”

So for the dining table, King advises, look for modern chairs, a complementary rug, and a special pendant to go around it. The nightstand could receive new hardware to make it more interesting.

And, importantly, be open to changing things around until you find something that works. “Most homes will evolve over time,” King says.

Design Hotline is a column dedicated to solving real people’s home problems. Here, writer Diana Budds speaks to experts to help a reader create a cohesive design aesthetic with a partner's after the two moved in together.

Originally Appeared on Architectural Digest