This Man Won't Buy His Pregnant Wife An Extravagant "Push Present," And It's Sparked An Intense Debate About The Ways Social Media Has Affected Relationships
Childbirth is both a physically and mentally intense experience. This is why many times, the non-birthing parent buys the birthing parent a little something special, or what's typically referred to as a "push present," as a way to thank them for what they have endured during pregnancy and childbirth. These gifts are usually something simple — such as jewelry, flowers, or even a meal the pregnant individual craved but wasn't allowed to eat. However, the rise of social media influencers has changed the expectations surrounding the extravagance of a "push present..."
This is exactly what Redditor throwra-pushpresent — whose wife is expecting their first child — has been dealing with. He recently opened up about an argument that arose after he refused to buy her a lavish "push present," and there's A LOT more to this situation than you might think. Here's the whole story:
"My wife and I have been together for 5 years. She’s pregnant with our first right now. A few days ago, she sent me a TikTok video of a woman on one of those extremist podcasts talking about deserving some kind of a 'push present.' At first, I didn’t even know what that meant. But when I looked it up, it’s basically a 'thank-you' gift to the woman who brought your child into the world."
"This concept is and still seems very strange to me. I understand seeking appreciation from your husband for what women go through during pregnancy and childbirth, but it’s the materialistic part that gave me the ick. The woman on the TikTok went on and on about how it’s a 'body for a body,' which meant the man would have to get a permanent tattoo on his lower body and give her a house and a car as a gift exclusively to her.
I felt that those expectations were very entitled, honestly a little vindictive, envious (the permanent tattoo part), and very over the top for my taste. The decision to bring a child into the world is both partners' decision. My wife, in our case, is not forced to be a mom or pregnant, as she wants to be a parent, too."
"I simply replied to the TikTok with laughing emojis and moved on, thinking it was the end of it and probably thought she meant to send that TikTok as a satire, like: 'oh look how dumb this woman is, thinking she deserves all that'"
"She was in the other room when I reacted to the video, so she came to me and told me that she doesn’t expect a tattoo and a house exclusively for her, but she wants me to dip into my personal savings to get her a car exclusively for her. I looked at her, almost shocked, and began laughing. I thought my wife and I had similar views on how extremist people can be, and I was wrong.
I thought she was joking, and when I asked her if she was actually serious, she got very annoyed that I thought she was joking and probably imitating the entitled woman on the reel. She flatly said that she expected a real push present."
"I said that her gift is the gift of parenthood and the realized outcome of a healthy baby. And materially speaking, I’ll probably gift her a Mother’s Day card, a day out, or some jewelry she wants (a total of under 700 dollars), but nothing more. I said if she really wants an extra car, it’ll be 'OUR' car, not just hers. She pressed more and said it wasn’t enough for what she will be going through."
"She kept pushing and pushing and asking me if I think she’s not worthy enough. I told her she is worthy as my partner and the mother of my child, but she has to be realistic and realize that none of us, individually speaking, is worthy of what she’s asking for. That she has to manage her expectations because I don’t see why she feels she deserves that.
It came out wrong, but I didn’t mean to dismiss her as a person. She isn’t speaking to me and is crying and arguing about it. I heard her criticizing me to her sister on the phone, but under no circumstances would I ever consider gifting HER a car.
I feel bad she is hurting right now, but I don’t feel bad about giving her a reality check."
Commenters were a bit divided on whether or not OP (original poster) was the asshole in this situation. Many felt his wife's demands reeked of entitlement:
User EntertainmentIcy8672 said, "Not the asshole.
The idea of giving a gift to the mother after labor isn’t surprising to me — it’s a nice gesture to show appreciation and help her feel better after everything! But it really depends on the couple and their financial situation (flowers, jewelry, or other gifts, with prices varying based on what you're comfortable with). However, asking for a house, car, and a tattoo (seriously?) is over the top and, unless you're extremely wealthy, completely unreasonable."
"Not the asshole," taylorBrook20 agreed — while also offering some advice, "but you’re definitely an idiot. Fighting with your very emotional, pregnant wife — who is no doubt terrified of labor and wondering if her body will ever go back to what it used to be — was absolutely absurd. Demanding a car as a push present is bizarre, but a new car that is bigger, safer, etc., when you have a new kid is not weird."
"Ditto on moving into a new place — be it more space, safer layout, better school district, closer to family and support — not weird. Making it a 'push present' is weird. Here’s what I would do: go apologize. No buts, no equivocating. Tell her you see how much she is going through to bring your child into the world and how deeply you love her for it and mean it. Tell her you think she deserves the world for carrying that bundle, and you two can talk about upgrading things like cars, etc. when the baby arrives. Rub her back or her feet. Kiss her belly. Sell her on the appreciation. Then go buy her a thoughtful, not over-the-top, push present like the ones mentioned above for after delivery. Trust me, no matter what happens in the delivery, she will have 'earned it.' And for the love of god, learn to shut the f*ck up."
Others mentioned how influencers have negatively impacted many people's attitudes about what is expected in a relationship:
"Not the asshole. Influencers are literally ruining people. My present after successful deliveries was that my husband knew he was a rotten cook, so he bought groceries and enlisted our loved ones to fill our freezer with heat and eat meals. He also chopped ingredients for them and cleaned up their kitchens. He started this project about a month before the due date of our firstborn and skipped his gym time, so it was a very sweet surprise," said g00berCat.
"Not the asshole. I'm pregnant, and my husband will gift me birthstone jewelry, and I'm gifting him a watch with an engraving. Those TikTok videos absolutely wreck relationships."
User a-mullins214 also revealed, "My sister-in-law, at one point, almost left my brother-in-law because he wouldn't make her a 'boo basket' for Halloween. I don't know why women follow relationship advice from TikTok."
However, fellow Redditors were also quick to point out OP's dismissive language towards his wife:
"You're the asshole. She’s not worthy? That was an asshole response, for sure. Why not say it’s not in the budget, but you would love to be able to give her something extravagant for what her body is going through during the pregnancy?
You were completely dismissive of pregnancy in the entire post, and I think you probably have been this whole time. Your wife wants acknowledgment of what she’s going through. Have you even told her verbally how awesome you think she is for what she’s doing?
Your wife is clearly telling you she doesn’t feel appreciated; what are you going to do about it?
You can still fix this," advised CovidIsolation
User jenjenjen731 agreed, "It took me so many replies to find what I was thinking all along. Her gift is a baby? Her gift is motherhood?"
"She's going to endure incredible amounts of pain to get that baby out, her body might never be the same, and she's going to be a dripping, leaking mess from every end for at least a year to come. Meanwhile, you give the baby YOUR last name and tell your wife she's not worthy of a present? This guy sucks."
Several others believe OP is the asshole...depending on the couple's financial situation:
"It all depends on the actual situation, especially financially. If you are the sole provider and collect all the wages for the family, and you have a car and she doesn't, then yes, she should have a car, too. Again, depending on finances, if she has a job and can afford a car, then she should probably get it.
But from what you wrote, I assume that's not the case. So, if you could get her a car for use after she's had your child, I think that would be really helpful overall, and if you can provide it, you should. It sounds like using the video was a 'nice/funny' way to ask for something she actually feels is important. The way you talked about the mother of your child makes me feel like you're the asshole," Solid_Size431 stated.
"You're the asshole. 'She wants me to dip into my personal savings to get her a car exclusively for her.' How did most people miss this? Your wife doesn't want a 'push present'; she wants a second car for the family. She probably knows that she will be the baby's primary caregiver and keeper of the household. She can't do everything in these roles without a car. But you have been withholding money in the past ('personal savings'?), and you have probably shut her out of any decision regarding family finances."
User nodumbunny continued, "Your post just reeks of this! So, your wife came up with an idea to get you to spend money on something she needs to fulfill her role in primary baby care and household management. She knows from past experience you won't spend money on things the family needs and that she has no say, so she used a thing she stumbled over on TikTok: 'push present.'
Congratulations, your wife is reduced to trying to manipulate you instead of having a heart-to-heart conversation about finances. You've trained her to do this because you're the asshole, and when it comes to money, you have always been."
But, most commenters seemed to agree that both sides could have handled the situation better:
User Todd_and_Margo couldn't quite decide how they felt about the argument, "Not the asshole, or maybe everyone sucks here. My husband gave me tech gadgets for each of my birth gifts (we don’t say push present since that excludes cesarean moms). He gave me my first smartphone (so I could take photos) when our first baby was born. For the second, I got a new laptop to work on while on maternity leave. For the third, I got my first iPad because I was in the hospital for months, so it was nice to have something to watch. After my pregnancy loss, he gave me a beautiful necklace so I’d have something to memorialize our daughter. And after my fifth pregnancy, he gave me a new iPad. Jewelry and gadgets are very generous gifts, in my honest opinion. Nobody in their right mind needs a house or car as a gift for any occasion. I can see the appeal to the tattoo, but that should be something the dad does because he wants to — not as a 'gift' for the mom.
But why doesn’t she have her own car??? Won’t she need one to drive the baby around? We own two vehicles. They’re both technically in both of our names. But one is 'his car,' and the minivan is 'my car.' If your wife wants a car and doesn’t have one, AND you can afford it, why shouldn’t she have one? I don’t quite understand that part. Not as a gift. But because she’s an adult who requires transportation."
Or, as quarteraftermidnight put it, "Everyone sucks here. This is why you’re wrong..."
"'My wife, in our case, is not forced to be a mom or be pregnant, as she wants to be a parent too.'
I mean, yeah, she’s not forced to be a parent or a mom, and it’s a decision you’ve both made, but if you both want a biological child naturally, then she’s pretty much the one that’s got to have a baby. So yeah, it is on her, and there’s kind of no choice there. In the video she sent, obviously, asking for a tattoo is way too much, and yes, it does come off as resentful, but the mother’s body will also never be the same after having a baby. It's a permanent change, like a tattoo. How do you not see that? It’s definitely tacky to ask for, and I can’t even imagine what these women think the tattoo should be, but it does make sense in a way.
I think your wife is acting extra entitled because of your initial reaction to the video. Not that the gifts are over the top, but that any gift in general isn’t worth it. I think if you had agreed she’s worth some type of acknowledgment/ present for doing the work of having the baby, it would have gone smoother.
Of course, she’s asking for way too much by expecting a car, but I feel like even if she were asking for a more reasonable smaller gift, you still wouldn’t think she’s worthy because it’s ~just what the woman does to have a baby~. Your attitude here of 'your gift is the gift of parenthood' is shitty. What physical sacrifices is your body making to grow this baby??? She bares the physical pain of pregnancy and labor, not to mention some permanent changes, some of which might include scars; what is your body sacrificing? Of course, she’s worth some type of gift of acknowledgment, even if it’s a super low-budget one like you giving her a massage, planning your first baby-free date night, or getting her fave wine to drink once the baby is born."
Personally, I'm still undecided on this one. I think OP's wife could have broached the discussion about buying a new car differently. However, he also seems dismissive of what she is going through...but I'm soooo curious to hear your opinion. Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
