"This Is My Home, My Sanctuary, And I’ve Worked Hard For It." This Man Is Refusing To Let His Financially Desperate Parents Move In With Him, And Now It's Causing A MAJOR Rift In Their Family
As we all know, family dynamics can be (and usually are) complicated, especially when you throw money into the mix. Add that to the growing discussion about whether or not grown children "owe" their parents and what happens when their duty to them becomes a burden that impacts the child's mental, physical, or financial health...
This is exactly what Redditor ytys45 — a 29-year-old man who recently bought and moved into his first home — has been dealing with since his parents loaned him money for a downpayment last year. Since then, his parents' financial situation has dramatically changed (for the worse), but he refuses to allow them to move in with him. It might sound like there could be a simple solution to this problem, but there's MUCH more to this situation than meets the eye. Here's the whole story:
"About a year ago, I bought my first home. My parents generously offered me $20,000 toward the down payment, which they framed as a gift. I was extremely grateful, as they knew I’d been saving for years and wanted a place to call my own. I invited them to celebrate with me the day I got the keys, and everything seemed fine."
"Fast forward to three months ago: my dad lost his job unexpectedly, and my mom’s part-time work isn’t enough to support them. They called me up one day and casually mentioned that they’d be 'moving in with me until they get back on their feet.' I was stunned, as they’d never asked — they’d just assumed. When I hesitated, they reminded me of the $20,000 they’d given me for the house and said it was time I 'paid them back by helping them out.'
This was news to me. They’d repeatedly assured me it was a gift, no strings attached, and that they were just happy to help me achieve my dream of homeownership. Now, they were calling it a 'loan,' even though there was never any mention of repayment, let alone interest, or expectations of them moving in someday.
I was hesitant but willing to talk about it and suggested they stay temporarily. They dismissed this and said they’d be moving in indefinitely 'until things turn around,' adding that they’d expect full access to the house and even suggested taking over my office as their bedroom. They also told me they’d like to have more say in how I run my home — after all, 'they helped pay for it.'"
"I was feeling cornered, so I explained that while I love them and would gladly help in other ways (like temporarily paying some of their bills or letting them stay for a set period), I wasn’t comfortable with them moving in indefinitely. This is my home, my sanctuary, and I’ve worked hard for it."
"They were furious, saying I was 'ungrateful' and that family should support each other. They also claimed that since they 'invested' in the house, they’re entitled to live in it as long as they need. My dad even hinted that he’d take me to court if I didn’t 'pay back their 'loan,' though I’m fairly certain he was bluffing.
Now, several family members have weighed in, saying I’m the asshole for turning my back on my parents after they helped me buy my house. But I feel like they changed the terms after the fact, and I don’t think it’s fair to demand indefinite housing when that was never part of the deal.
Am I the asshole for refusing to let my parents move in after they 'loaned' me the down payment?"
Commenters unanimously decided that OP (original poster)'s parents were, indeed, the assholes in this situation and advised him NEVER to let them move in:
User Gohighsweetcherry warned, "Don’t let them move in. I repeat, DON’T LET THEM MOVE IN. You will regret it. They will never leave. Think about it — they will always be there, changing your home until it’s theirs. You'll eventually get so irritated that you’ll want to pack up and leave YOUR home.
They gave you the money as a gift, and now they have mismanaged their finances and are reframing it (aka lying) that they ‘invested’ in your home. Bullshit. Don’t let them move in.
Not the asshole."
Some commenters such as JTBlakeinNYC believe OP's parents were using the "loan" as a way to secure their retirement plan:
"Not the asshole. There is no way that your parents went from having an extra $20K to give you for a down payment on a new home to suddenly being destitute and on the verge of homelessness. They preplanned this to have a free place to live for the rest of their lives, with a live-in cook, maid, and personal health aide."
"Not the asshole. They have already told you they intend to take over the house. You will be paying for it all and grudgingly be allowed to stay in ‘their’ house as long as you follow their rules."
"They will never leave until they die. Do not let them move in, even for a weekend. If you receive mail for them, return it to the sender immediately with an ‘incorrect address,’ so they can’t use it to claim residency in court. Talk to a lawyer ASAP," advised JstMyThoughts
MANY commenters questioned why OP's parents were able to lend him $20k as recently as a year ago but are now on the brink of being unhoused:
"What's going on with their finances?" ghostoftommyknocker asked. "They had enough to give you 20k a year ago, but just three months of unemployment have them on the verge of losing their house because their finances are completely nuked. Something's going on there.
Regarding your house, do not let them move in. At this moment in time, do not let them into the house for any reason, not even a visit. If they have a key, change your locks immediately.
You need to talk to a lawyer. If your parents are trying to change the terms of the gift to gain full control of your house, and your father is hinting at taking you to court, you need to take this seriously and talk to a lawyer about where you stand. Do not assume they are bluffing.
In the meantime, for your own sake, you need to go 'no contact' with your parents to minimize any communication they might use against you. Find out where you legally stand ASAP.
Even if the legal threat is a bluff, they've given away their intention to take control of your house away from you and make it their own. Take that seriously. For that reason alone, you need to ban them from stepping foot in your home or even on your property for any reason and go 'low contact/no contact' to minimize their weaponizing communication against you.
Not the asshole."
"This right here," agreed celticmusebooks. "How can they go from giving $20K to being on the verge of homelessness a year later? I hate to say it, but I have a feeling this was their plan all along, and they expect you to bow down and now cater to them."
"Just to clarify, your parents gave you all of their savings, $20K toward their house, and only three months later, they suddenly need to move in 'indefinitely'? Something is definitely off here.
Why can't your father get another job?
Honestly, I feel like they planned this 'investment' from the very start, and once they move in, they will not move back out.
Not the asshole."
Older adults were quick to point out that they would never expect to move in with their grown children indefinitely:
"I'm 68F and approve of the advice OP has been given. I've heard some horror stories about parents moving in with their kids. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to you, they set you up as their plan for when they retired. Don't let them move in!
Not the asshole!!!!" Wild-Strategy-4101 said.
User HelicopterHopeful479 revealed, "Not the asshole. When each of our daughters bought their first home (one married, one on her own), I gave each of them 20k I had saved up for this reason. I clarified that it was a gift, that they owed us nothing, and we would have no say or obligation to their home."
"And yes, I had to sign a gift letter with the mortgage company to prove I had no claim to the property. I would move into our camper and live at an RV park before I would ever invite myself to move in with either of them.
This was not a loan from your parents, but I agree with many other commenters: do not let them move in. They have no title to demand to live there; it is your home. If you want to save the relationship, like many other commenters said, take out a loan and return the money. If you can’t, then pay them $XXX per month till you return their $20k. If they move in, they will never leave, and you would have to legally evict them."
And IamMaggieMoo helpfully summed it all up:
"Not the asshole — you need to change your locks asap.
Sadly, you cannot afford to let them move in on a temporary basis, as I believe they feel entitled and would just stay indefinitely. You would be the one to either like it or end up leaving! If you consider allowing your parents to stay and it is a temporary agreement, then I would have a legal contract drawn up. Either they sign it, or they find somewhere else to stay.
I doubt your parents would consider contributing in the form of rent, as they would believe they don't have to due to the down payment. You would be effectively paying a mortgage on a house that you would have no say or control over.
If you have no written agreement that states it was a loan, they don't have a leg to stand on. Did you tell anyone else at the time that they gave you the money as a gift? I would send a blanket email to all relatives involved since your parents are soliciting them to pressure you. The email should state that they gifted you the money and made it clear that it didn't come with any conditions.
I'd be getting legal advice!"
OP later provided an update and thanked everyone in the comments:
"Thank you for this. Honestly, your perspective has helped reinforce what I was already feeling deep down. You’re right; this is my home, and it’s somewhere I worked hard to make my own. I’ve been nervous that letting them move in would mean losing all sense of control over the space I’ve built. It’s already overwhelming knowing they’re insisting on things like taking over my office, and I’m genuinely worried they’d try to change even more.
I'm surprised that they’re reframing the money as an 'investment' after saying it was a gift. It feels manipulative, and while I want to help them in meaningful ways, moving in indefinitely isn’t the answer. Thanks for backing me up on this. I needed the reminder that setting boundaries doesn’t make me a bad son."
Personally, I think this is an extrememly difficult situation for anyone to be in — but all in all, OP is 100% in the right! If his parents needed help, they could have asked without the implied addition of taking over his home and personal life. But I'm soooo curious to hear your opinion...Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
