This is the most wonderful time of year for some; loneliest for others

While many consider this the most wonderful time of the year, it can also be particularly isolating for those short on family and friends.

"People are barraged by media images of everybody having a good time. When you don't have access to those experiences, it makes you feel bad," said loneliness expert Dr. Jeremy Nobel. "It's one of the reasons why the holidays are viewed by many as the loneliest time of the year."

Loneliness occurs when the connections a person needs in life are greater than the connections they have. Research shows chronic loneliness can also harm mental and physical health, increasing the risk for heart disease, dementia, stroke and premature death.

Overcoming chronic loneliness is challenging because it often comes with feelings of shame and guilt, as well as social stigma, said Nobel, founder of the Foundation for Art and Healing, a nonprofit that addresses public health concerns through creative expression, which launched an initiative called Project Unlonely.

But it's not impossible. The key, he and others said, is to figure out what really matters to you and share that with others.

"Finding your meaning in life is so important because it gives you the motivation to go about the world in a kind and positive way," said Michele Kerulis, associate professor of counseling with the Family Institute at Northwestern University.

What is loneliness?

Everyone experiences pangs of loneliness on occasion. But it's also subjective and people don't feel loneliness the same way or for the same reason, Nobel said.

Some may experience psychological loneliness when they don’t feel like they have anyone to confide in or trust. Societal loneliness is feeling systemically excluded because of a characteristic, including gender, race, or disability. Existential, or spiritual loneliness comes from feeling disconnected from oneself.

There are also levels of loneliness, Nobel said in his book, “Project Unlonely: Healing out Crisis of Disconnection.”

Most people sit at the first level where they may occasionally feel lonely but quickly remedy it by seeking out connections. If they don’t make connections, they risk spiraling into the next level.

On this level, people may start feeling a deeper sense of loneliness, said Nobel, who is also on the faculty at Harvard Medical School and the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. They doubt their own self-worth and blame themselves for their loneliness.

If people continue to isolate, "chronic loneliness can really creep up on people and be detrimental," Kerulis said.

Nobel calls this the final level of loneliness, where the very "dramatic health risks happen."

Research shows that this level of loneliness is as toxic as smoking 15 cigarettes a day,” he said. “The increased risk for depression, suicidality, self-harm: That all happens at the top tier.”

Research shows chronic loneliness has also been linked to brain changes that affect emotional processing and social perception. This is what makes it so difficult for people to overcome chronic loneliness, Nobel said.

How to find your authentic self

Finding your authentic self can be a big ask, Kerulis said. While it may sound daunting, she said you can start by asking yourself "the miracle question."

"Imagine you woke up tomorrow and everything was perfect for you and the world, what would that look like?" she said. "How are you feeling today and what's one thing you can do to move yourself closer to that perfect ideal world?"

People can also start smaller by pursuing things they enjoy or might be curious about, Nobel said.

Kristen Bear, 39, began her self-discovery journey online.

The Nashville resident was newly sober − two weeks without alcohol − before a novel virus shut down the entire country in 2020. She was nervous about telling friends and family about her sobriety, she was lonely and she had forsaken her preferred pastime.

“When I quit drinking, I realized, ‘Wow, I have no idea who I am,’” she said.

Bear began following sobriety podcasts and social media accounts. She realized she loved learning, reading and writing, and began taking poetry classes. She felt her confidence growing.

Self-discovery could start with something as simple as gardening, volunteering, or reading – the point is that it must be authentic to who you are as a person, Nobel said.

After taking some time to find her authentic self in sobriety and solitude, Bear decided she was ready to share with the world. She created an online community called Creative Sobriety, in hopes of helping others navigate loneliness in early sobriety.

“I’m a complete person now. I’m no longer presenting a false version of myself to anyone,” she recently told USA TODAY. “When you live your life that way, you attract the right people –  the people who fully see you and support you and reflect back to you who you are.”

How to share your authentic self with others

After finding your authentic self, Nobel said the next step to overcoming loneliness is to share that with others.

He suggests looking for events or groups that share common interests. For Rebecca Northcutt, 71, it was a community potluck she found on Facebook last year.

She had moved from a Virginia suburb outside Washington to Waterville, Maine, to be closer to her daughter but found it hard to make friends. Her husband traveled for work and her daughter worked long hours on her new farm. Northcutt didn't know where she fit into this new life and she began feeling very lonely.

"It was just hard because it’s a small town and everybody here, especially my age, has lived here for decades and they have all the friends they need," she said. "I was like, ‘Why am I here? I have no purpose.'"

Desperate for connection, she found a local potluck event on Facebook where attendees were asked to bring a plate of food and share a story related to it. Northcutt whipped up a chicken and rice dish she had made her family a million times and brought it to the potluck.

Many hesitate to share their authentic selves with others because of a fear of rejection, Nobel said. Rejection can feel bigger and deeper when it's a response to you. But it's the only way to make a genuine connection.

As a self-described introvert, Northcutt didn't share a story but reveled in listening to others. One of them, Patricia Flynn, had also just moved into the area and wasn't sure how to meet people.

"It is never that simple for me to walk into a room full of folks I have never met," Flynn told USA TODAY. That's why her friendship with Northcutt is "especially meaningful."

Adrianna Rodriguez can be reached at adrodriguez@usatoday.com.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Feeling lonely this time of year? Here's how to cope.