Older Adults Who Never Got Married Revealed The Unexpected "Realities" Of What It's Like To Be Single Later In Life
We recently wrote a post where older adults who never got married revealed what their lives are actually like. In the comments, even more older single adults shared their stories, and they range from inspiring to heartbreaking. Here's what they had to say:
1."I'm 33 and never really dated. No serious relationships. I was really, really shy when I was young. At 21, my nephew needed to be placed somewhere because his parents were no longer able to care for him. I decided I probably should prioritize him and his care above trying to find someone. I thought, 'Oh, eventually I'll meet someone,' but as time went on, I realized it wasn't likely."
"I've never been particularly attractive. I'm over 30, and I'm a defacto single mom. Why would anyone want me? But letting go of it really made me feel much less sad. You can't always have what everyone else has, you just have to be grateful for what you do have."
2."I thought that being married would make me feel complete. But that's not true. I have realized that learning to love myself and reinvent and invest in my interests and myself is so rewarding. I feel like there are things I didn't know about myself, and I have realized how awesome of a person I am regardless of whether I will marry or not."
"I feel complete and satisfied where I am at this time in my life. I am even now considering starting a new business."
—Anonymous, 65, Michigan
3."I’m 59 and a lifelong single woman. Back in the day, I got a lot of flack, but I think times are changing. The younger generations don’t care, and I mean that in a good way. Like Coach said, mind your own damn business."
4."Myth: Being in a romantic relationship brings happiness. Truth: Never have I felt more insecure and undecided than when making my life decisions based on another person. My parents had been married for 29 years. I never saw Dad or Mom truly happy or proud to be partners. As the firstborn of five, I felt our presence made my dad naive. I felt neglected, and it's no way I would want to raise a child."
"And I don't know any better way. That's why I don't want to have kids, nor a wife."
—Anonymous, Zambia
5."People think you're somehow less worthy and were 'undesirable.' Now, you must be miserable being older with no one who wants you. I had plenty of prospects! They just weren't right for me. I wouldn't mind having a spouse, but I'd want one who wants and loves me for me. I don't want them to be with me because of their image of me or the idea of what I'd represent or even as someone they could control and show their status by."
"I have respect for myself, accomplishments I've made that I wouldn't have otherwise, and satisfaction with where I've been and where I'm going. I still want kids, but I'm enough, with or without the spouse and kids. They do not make me worthy. I make me worthy."
—Anonymous, 43, USA
6."I am single, and I always was. I am 43 years old. I don't see a point in changing that. Most married people are miserable."
7."People think that life is easy because you're single. It's not always easy. There is no one to hug you after a bad day or look after you when you're sick. You must go through challenging times alone with no one to bounce ideas off. It can be expensive — buying a house on one income, paying bills with no one to chip in."
"Lastly, there's the pity or the weirdness people project because you're single. They don't know what to make of it. However, regardless of whether you choose to be single, life is what you make of it. I have made my childless, partnerless life an adventure — and one that is meaningful."
—Anonymous, 58, Australia
8."People think that I somehow am a seriously flawed individual, unattractive, unlovable, incapable, that somehow remaining single is 'my fault.' Was this how I 'planned' for my adult life in my 20s, 30s, and even 40s? No, it wasn't; it's just how life ends up sometimes. Do I think about getting married even this late in my life? Absolutely."
"Because I do believe that I'm capable of not only loving someone but of being loved for exactly who I am — a concept it took me many years of abuse, heartbreak, and therapy to actually accept."
—Anonymous, 62, Illinois
9."Many people ASSUME that being single and older means that we're somehow difficult and/or undesirable. We're not. Since we've been by ourselves for so long, we can see more…of those who do not deserve our time. Sometimes, we simply don't meet the ONE. I do enjoy myself and would like a man who's comfortable in HIS skin, too; I don't do well with imbalance, things like fussing, fighting, or jealous behavior, or someone who's not driven/motivated enough to keep order in this life. I'll remain single before pairing with a man who constantly needs my help."
"I do have two children; I just didn't marry. Had I married, it would've been miserable, and I'd certainly dodged a bullet. I've met a couple of guys who'd discussed marriage, yet they barely made it through daily and had already shown me that they can hardly stay in one place for too long. So, I'm enjoying my peace and meeting with my friends (some single and some married more than once) to hang out, spend time, and have good times. Then, I go home or travel back and forth to my hometown to visit family, friends, and familiar stomping grounds. All of this while smiling and feeling great. I still wanna meet a cool dude to consistently do things with… we'll see."
—Anonymous, 58, Georgia
10."People think that if you're single, you don't like children — or you're called selfish. We are community people with friends who love their children; we raise our nieces and nephews and care for our older parents. We are humans, too."
—Anonymous, Florida
11."I have loved being single. I get to live life my way. And something tells me I was able to avoid the negatives I witness in friends who chose marriage, such as boredom, divorces, humdrum lives, etc.. And I never saw the benefit of having kids, who nowadays seem to take up to 30 years out of your life. Finally, I constantly read how people that went this route don’t seem to save enough for retirement, while I have tons of money saved and invested and can do whatever I want. I love freedom!"
—Anonymous, 73, Oregon
12."Since I was young, I've always wanted to find love and have a daughter — it was a dream of mine. As I grew up, I realized that most people are entitled narcissists looking for the best 'deal;' they want someone who just checks off a long list of shallow things, and almost no one is actually looking for true love. I became disinterested in the dating scene after years of working on myself and putting myself out there."
"I have family and many siblings to keep me preoccupied, plus traveling and doing things on my schedule, setting and reaching my goals, advancing my career, etc. I've always been different. I've learned to accept my gifts and talents and cultivate them more instead of suppressing them as I did earlier — and it has been immensely satisfying."
—Anonymous, 35, New York
13."Never being married or having kids are be best things to never happen to me. I tell people that had I been married, I never would have had the life I had. I would have been stuck in Alabama. Instead, I was free to travel the world through work or on my own. I mean can you imagine taking a year off and traveling around the world for a year with a spouse and kids? I dated a bit but not much. I was always the friend rather than the girlfriend. It used to hurt, but as I said, I gave myself the life I wanted and the freedom to do it."
"Honestly, I'm the happiest person I know. Some folks do better single than married, and I'm one of them. I embrace the solitude and peace and quiet that I have. Solitude is my happy place."
—Anonymous, 71 California
14."I have several family members or friends with adult children. It's difficult to see the chaos and dysfunction within the family unit while I, as a single 61-year-old woman, have the opportunity to go to my tranquil home filled with love and peace."
"It's also hard to see family members and friends' stressing' and 'dipping' into the last pennies of their social security money, helping their adult children financially, and having to become 'parents' all over again because they have to raise their grandchildren."
—Anonymous, 61, Texas
15."I'm 40, and I have never been married. I also haven't moved in with a significant other I was dating. Many people say things like, 'You're so pretty and smart or kind. I think you would make a good wife.' That may be true, but you don't get to pick who loves you and chooses to be with you. I have also been through so much that I don't want or need the drama and chaos. I have boundaries and refuse to settle down because that's the norm."
"I would like to find someone, but I'm also content with being single until the right person finds his way into my life. I'm not unlovable. I just know what I want."
—Anonymous, 40, Pennsylvania
16."I never figured I would be single and never married at 56. I had plenty of dates and boyfriends growing up. Married friends didn't like me around their husbands. Recently, a married friend told others that men gravitated towards me during our youth. I never married because I wanted an equal partner: a man who didn't cheat and a man who was a jack of all trades. Still looking and hopeful."
—Anonymous, 56, California
And finally...
17."For a time, I thought I was lonely, but looking back, I wasn't. There is so much pressure to find a partner to settle down and get married that people miss out on many things. I would have loved to get married and have children, sure, but I like who I am. I'm not undesirable, and there's nothing wrong with me — it's just how the cards played out."
"I'd rather be single and happy than divorced and miserable. I love my nieces and nephews and my friends' children. Me not having any in no way makes my life unworthy."
—Anonymous, 45, Minnesota
Older adults who never got married, what are some "realities" or misconceptions about your life that more people should know? Feel free to tell us in the comments below. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, you could use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
