Online bullying from children and their parents ruined my daughter’s life

Felicity Baker*, 53, is a company director and lives in Hampshire with her husband and three adult children. Her eldest daughter Tamsin*, 24, was subjected to severe online bullying six years ago while studying for her A levels. Felicity explains why the experience will haunt them both forever…

Few things in life have upset me as much as the day I discovered an online group had been set up specifically so that its 30 or so members could vent their hatred for my beautiful daughter, Tamsin*.

She was 17 at the time and studying for her A-levels. When I scrolled through the endless posts on the Facebook Messenger group (called 'Let's Talk Tamsin') slating her in every way, I was devastated and enraged in equal measure.

I can’t think of anything more spiteful than one child creating a group online for the sole purpose of making another child’s life hell.

Tamsin, the eldest of my three children, who is now 24, suffered dreadfully as a result – her self-esteem was in tatters and her self-doubt was at an all-time high. Still now, I find it hard to believe what happened.

Tamsin is an empath personality, meaning she absorbs and feels other people’s emotions deeply and, as a result, is endlessly generous with her time. Sadly, this means she attracts more than her fair share of negative people, who take advantage of her kindness and willingness to problem-solve without giving anything back.

Becoming a target

Because it's in her nature to help people, others assume she can be manipulated, but underneath she’s as steely as they come. Usually, after a while of putting up with bad and bullying behaviour, she’ll suddenly fight back, and these people tend not to like it.

This became increasingly apparent during her teens and was glaringly obvious by the time she was in sixth form.

When one friend was having a mental health crisis, she’d call Tamsin umpteen times a day wanting to talk things through. In the end, my daughter had to tell her, "I’m happy to help you but I can’t continue to take this many calls from you when I’m trying to study."

This girl immediately turned on her, accusing her of being a 'terrible friend', then said she wanted nothing more to do with her.

Excluded in class

In sixth form, Tamsin was part of a group of highly intelligent girls who would regularly and deliberately exclude her. There were just 10 of them studying law A-level, one of whom would take sweets into the lesson and hand them round, always making a point of missing Tamsin out. The teacher, who was offered sweets too, did nothing about it.

Then there was the daily drip-drip of character and confidence erosion, things that will be familiar to anyone who's been bullied – the sideways looks, pointed whispering, making plans in person or on social media to meet up after school but excluding Tamsin, commenting nastily about something she was wearing or any coursework marks she got which weren't as high as their own.

She’d come home upset and dejected, prompting me to speak to school a few times but their preferred stance was that, "It’s six of one and half a dozen of the other," rather than assigning blame. They’d offer to move her to a different class or tell her, "Well, you need to stand up to them," so although she was the victim of the bullying, the expectation was on her to solve it.

A vile Facebook messenger group

Then came the lowest of low points. In late 2017, one of the girls, let’s call her Jemima*, took a sudden dislike to Tamsin out of the blue for no reason, adding to the general maelstrom and the microaggressions she was subjected to every day.

Jemima proved herself to be the ultimate cowardly bully by setting up the Facebook Messenger group dedicated to slating Tamsin.

To this day, we have no idea how long the group had been established when I was added to it by one of Tamsin's male friends. He also added Tamsin and my stepdaughter, having reasoned that we should know that this online character assassination of my daughter existed.

I was at home one evening when I received a notification to say I'd been added to the group. The awful truth unfolded as I pored over countless exchanges between members criticising and laughing at my daughter, saying she was 'annoying', a 'whinger' and a 'moaner'.

Not much throws me in life, but this really did. For several hours, I deliberated what on earth to do. Unsurprisingly, Tamsin was incredibly upset. The injustice of it was utterly overwhelming but my priority was to come up with a plan to deal with it.

I wondered if I should step back and accept that you only know your child as a parent, you don’t know what they’re like at school or interacting with their friends.

I adore my children, but I’m a realist and I’ve never been one to go around thinking that they’re perfect and never do anything wrong. Equally, not once had a parent, child, or teacher ever approached me to complain about Tamsin’s behaviour.

As I read the posts containing endless cruel attacks on my daughter’s lovely, kind character, I felt utterly dreadful. This was my little girl they were talking about, at a time when she was finding A-levels incredibly stressful. These people were making her life hell and all I could think was that she would never behave that way towards someone else.

Committing a crime

In the end, I decided to screenshot everything and inform the school. My second step, if that didn’t sort matters, would be to go to the police. I made my intentions clear on the group, posting a message explaining that I was Tamsin’s mum, that the mere existence of the group was a hate crime and that if it wasn’t taken down immediately then I’d get the police involved.

Astonishingly, there were other parents in the group who’d been complicit in the disgusting comments made about my daughter, including Jemima’s mother, who started to argue with me.

She remarked that my daughter should learn to fight her own battles – I called her out on that asking why she was even in the group if that's what she believed.

I also asserted my intention to inform the police if they didn’t take the group down, then made a formal complaint to the Hampshire school that the kids attended.

Noticeably, people began to leave the group that day because those who knew me were sure I meant business.

My advice to Tamsin as she sobbed ahead of going to school the following day was to pretend that Jemima didn’t exist.

"Don’t speak to her, don’t engage with her, and do not mention the group to her, because keeping your dignity will take away her power," I advised her.

Dreadfully upset and hurt, she kept asking me, "Mum, why would they do this? What have I done to create this situation?"

She blamed herself rather than understanding that she was absolutely not responsible for the despicable behaviour of others.

Retreating to her room

The following weeks were filled with tears and hours spent going over and over what'd happened. Tamsin was much quieter than normal, taking herself off to her bedroom, rather than being with the rest of us downstairs.

As any parent knows, when your child is upset, you feel their pain ten-fold and the thing I found hardest was having to deal was Tamsin's fragile mental state. I was so worried, I kept checking on her in her room, giving her cuddles and reassurance.

Though her friendship group became smaller as a result of filtering out some of the girls who’d been part of the online bullying, those who stuck with her were kind and reassuring.

Yet again, the school did nothing, and didn't even acknowledge my complaint. But I asked my stepdaughter to remain in the group, after Tamsin and I left, just to keep an eye on things. My threat of police action did the trick because within a few days it'd been deleted.

A long overdue apology

This was the peak of a horrendous experience in sixth form with very little support from the school and it's always amazed me that she still went on, got good A-level grades and went to university.

She still suffered from difficulties at university too, all from girls, only settling in her final year when she found a small but strong group of friends, with whom she remains friends today.

A couple of the ringleaders eventually apologised to Tamsin but not until they were all away at university in their early 20s. Ironically, one of them was studying psychology and sent messages saying her degree course had taught her that she needed to 'own her behaviour’ and she wanted to say sorry.

I said to Tamsin, "This is all about making herself feel better." She agreed to take the girl’s call and accepted her apology, then cut her off completely, rightly so.

All these years later, what happened still affects me – I still keep a close eye on Tamsin’s friends and boyfriends, alert to any red flags that they might be using her or asking too much of her friendship. I tell her not to be too generous with her time or feelings until she’s gained a better understanding of them.

Ironically, during the summer, Tamsin and I saw Jemima when we were shopping in our nearby town. Let’s just say, she looked very different from her school days and certainly didn't look happy.

We didn’t interact with her at all, but it was a real moment of closure for Tamsin. Now in her 20s and a newly qualified teacher – which has always been her dream – it was a realisation that she’s finally left bullies like her in the past.

*Names have been changed to protect identities.

Read more

Being urinated on by a bully started my 30-year battle with bulimia (Yahoo Life UK, 9-min read)

Giovanna Fletcher reflects on ‘awful’ school bullying: ‘My family moved house as a result’ (Yahoo Life UK, 5-min read)

'I couldn't take it any more': The bullied teen who turned the tables (Yahoo Life UK, 5-min read)