How to Get Your Partner to Talk About Their Feelings and Emotions More

Julia Ries
·8 min read

Antonio Rodriguez/Adobe Stock

You’ve probably heard it before: Communication is key to healthy relationships. But that can be wayyyy harder than it sounds if your partner is super resistant to talking about how they are feeling—or worse, doesn’t even really know what’s happening in their head emotionally. That can lead to a whole host of issues: tension, misunderstandings, resentment, and fights—to name a few.

Naturally, it can be tough to feel close to someone who’s tight-lipped about what’s *really* going on in their brain. But Audrey Schoen, LMFT, a couples counselor offering online therapy in California and Texas, tells SELF that some people have never learned how to communicate about this kind of stuff. Perhaps they were punished for getting upset as a kid or raised by parents who had a difficult time expressing emotions, or maybe societal gender norms are getting in the way—that men should be mentally strong, and women shouldn’t be so emotional. Attachment style might also be at play. The 1950s-era theory suggests there are four different styles of connecting with partners in relationships, which are influenced by your childhood. For example, some people have an avoidant attachment style and treat intimate conversations like the burning fires of hell—so you may have your work cut out for you if your partner has it.

This kind of emotional distance can hurt, but there’s a chance you can get them to be more comfortable with vulnerability with a little support and coaching. Here’s how to encourage your partner to open up.

1. Do a pulse check on your own feelings about the situation first.

It’s common to feel frustrated, neglected, and lonely if your significant other isn’t great at, well, feelings, Schoen says. If you don’t know what the heck is going on in their head, your imagination can run wild. “You can make up your own ideas and assumptions about why they aren’t sharing their emotions or what it means about your relationship,” Schoen says. If, for example, your boyfriend’s been sitting on the other side of the couch with his arms crossed all night, you might wonder if they’re mad at you or hiding something. (When in reality, they could just be tired.)

Again, you might consider your attachment style in this situation, Tammy Nelson, PhD, a sex and relationship therapist and the executive director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute, tells SELF. So if you have an anxious attachment style, you might have an intense fear of abandonment and crave closeness and intimacy. If your partner has an emotionally guarded avoidant style, the two opposing approaches, naturally, can sometimes lead to conflict. (The other two styles are secure attachment, where close relationships are no big deal for you, and disorganized attachment, where you have a mix of anxious and avoidant styles. Fun!)

It’s important to assess your own attachment style if you’re feeling insecure in your relationship. Observe—and fact check—your thoughts: Do you have actual tangible proof that their aloofness is because they don’t love you? Or, perhaps, are you filling in those gaps based on fear, and not facts? One helpful way to find this out is through journaling. Write (or doodle, if artistic expression resonates with you most) about how, say, your person’s aversion to emotions bums you out. That way, you’ll be better prepared to have a calm, honest conversation if and when your partner’s ready. You might also be less likely to respond in a defensive, anxious way, Schoen says, which could make them even less inclined to share what’s going on.

2. Ask questions that encourage them to reflect.

Your partner might not recognize what they’re feeling, not know how to bring it up, or be afraid of what you’ll say if you knew their inner thoughts. That’s where specific, open-ended, emotion-based questions (with answers that require more than a simple “yes” or “no”) can help, says Schoen.

So if they come downstairs after taking a call from their overbearing sister and are quiet, ask them: “How did that conversation make you feel?” “What was going through your mind?” or “I’m curious if that phone call made you feel sad or angry?” (Saying “that must have been hard,” for context, doesn’t really encourage them to go any deeper.) If they give you a super-short “fine,” follow up with “I imagine I might feel annoyed. Is that what happened to you?” You can also ask how their body felt physically, says Schoen, because some people are better at identifying sensations on their body—like tight muscles or shortness of breath—rather than anxiety or anger.

Your partner might not even be thinking about how the phone call made them feel. Asking them—in an open yet specific way—prompts them to reflect on what’s simmering deep down. “You’re asking their brain to check in with their feelings,” says Schoen.

Of course, you shouldn’t prompt them to talk in *every* situation. Try not to initiate a convo right before bed, immediately after work, or soon after a fight, Schoen says. (If you bring up a concern when the energy is already tense or heated, there’s a fair chance your convo will escalate into an argument.) Rather, do it when you know you’ll have uninterrupted time together, says Schoen, and pay close attention to their body language and listen to their breathing. If they seem irritable or are physically turning away or short of breath, give them space. And if they say they need a break, take a pause. “Time-outs do not mean they are not interested in continuing the conversation at a later time,” says Dr. Nelson.

3. Let your SO know you appreciate them—and what you want more of.

If your partner holds their emotions close to their chest, it’s crucial to show them that talking about feelings has some rewards. The way to do this: Throw compliments and appreciation their way before launching into a more intense convo, Dr. Nelson says. When you start a chat with the chilling “We need to talk” line or criticism like “You’re so guarded,” your partner might immediately shut down or get defensive, Dr. Nelson says. Praising certain aspects of their behavior—by saying, for example, “I love how thoughtful you are” or “It’s amazing how you always put our family first”—sets the tone for a trusting, productive discussion, she says. It’ll also make you both feel more comfortable and committed to each other.

Then, instead of focusing on what you want less of (like them keeping everything under wraps), let your significant other know what you want more of. This “focuses on strength in the relationship instead of pointing out negative behaviors or criticizing,” says Dr. Nelson. Try saying something like, “I love when we discussed how you felt about our future goals, I’d love it if we could do that more often.” Then, give them a clear picture of what you’re looking for moving forward, says Dr. Nelson: Rather than saying you want more quality time (too vague!), let them know you enjoy having dinner at the kitchen table instead of in front of the TV and want to do that a few times a week. Dr. Nelson’s two cents: “Don’t assume your partner has the same language that you do about what intimacy needs.” Be clear and specific about your expectations of the relationship.

Finally, let them know you’re grateful. Schoen suggests saying something like, “When you share like that, it helps me feel closer to you and I understand you better.” This reinforces the message that disclosing emotions is a good thing (that improves your relationship), says Schoen, which can make them more inclined to be vulnerable with you again in the future.

4. Know when to give therapy a try.

If you’re still getting nowhere with your partner, it might be time to bring in a professional. A licensed marriage and family therapist can take a look at your problems, help you work through them, and teach you healthier communication styles, says Dr. Nelson. (Here are some tips to find an affordable one.)

If your partner recoils at the thought, let them know how vital it—and thereby the relationship—is to you. “Most people agree to therapy if they realize how important it is to the survival of the partnership,” says Dr. Nelson.

Also, try not to rely solely on your SO for all your emotional needs and support. It’s crucial to find other sources—your group of pals, a parent, or your own therapist—to talk things out, especially if your partner just can’t. That said, if you find yourself increasingly looking to others to get something you’re not receiving from your partner, you might have to take a closer look at the relationship and figure out if it’s really working for you, says Schoen. Here are some subtle signs you two might be falling out of love.

Emotions are messy and difficult, even if you’re an open book. Talking about them may never come naturally to some people, but the more you try, the easier it’ll get.

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Originally Appeared on SELF

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