People Are Sharing Their Reasons For Calling Off A Divorce, And This Really Pulled At My Heart Strings
Recently, I asked people who were thinking about divorcing their spouse to tell me why they called it off. I was entertained by a recent string of holiday movies with divorce plots, and I wanted to know people’s real-life stories about staying in the marriage. Here are the responses:
Some responses come from this Reddit thread.
1.“My husband and I were separated after five years of therapy, and 21 years together.”
“We were very much in love, but could not figure out how to remain compatible. After about six months, I realized I really needed to change my antidepressants because my depression was significantly impacting my life. After two months on new meds, the clarity I had was life-changing. I had been far more depressed than I realized and for much longer. He had tried to tell me this, and I dismissed it, truly believing I was doing well. Suddenly, so many issues he had brought to my attention made sense. I told him immediately that I wasn't ready to walk away, and I wanted to try again from this better headspace. I owned up to my sh-t, and am giving him the time and space he needs to try again. I'm so grateful for his understanding, and feel completely at ease waiting till he is ready. Mental health challenges can wreak havoc on relationships, and I wish more people discussed this openly.”
—Anonymous
2.“I was married in Colorado, and you can file a no fault divorce. And as long as there are no conflicts, the divorce decree is issued 91 days after filing the petition.”
“My ex-wife had cheated, and we tried going to counseling, but she just would not stop lying. This went on for several months until, all of a sudden, she seemed to have changed her entire approach. She was acting more like I was expecting from someone looking to reconcile. I loved her dearly, and did not relish the idea of divorce. After several more months of her acting like she wanted to be together, we went on a week-long vacation together after not having lived together for over nine months. The week went well, and we planned to move in together in a couple of weeks. I went and withdrew the petition for divorce.
Fast forward to the night I moved into her place, I discovered more lies from her, and moved back out the same night. She made things so bad, I moved to another country. We were divorced nine months later.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
—Anonymous
3.“I had a serious plan.”
“After years of secondary infertility, my husband announced that he no longer wanted another baby, and, oh, by the way, wanted to go to sex clubs and swing. It was just too much on top of the infertility, and I’d had enough. I felt like he wasn’t the person I married, and was being really insensitive. I got a job in my hometown all lined up, and made plans to take my five-year-old and move back in with my mother. I was still young enough to start over and try again with someone else. When it came down to it, I couldn’t bring myself to sign the new contract.
I realized I didn’t want babies with just anyone, I wanted them with my husband. It’s been a really rough 11 years since then: he was diagnosed bipolar, there have been several affairs, and lots of ups and downs. I’m still not convinced I made the right decision all those years ago, but this is the life I chose. I’m not sure I would do it differently, either. C’est la vie! And if you’re living with someone who is bipolar, please make sure you get help, too — you will need the support.”
—Anonymous
4.“On our 29th wedding anniversary, my husband and I went to dinner, where he told me, frankly, that he didn't love me on our wedding day, and married me out of obligation.”
“It broke my heart, and that will never fully heal. I have loved this man with every fiber of my being for a very long time, and I didn't know if I could get past this. I decided to stay married because I do love him, and we make a good team. Plus, it would devastate our four grown children. I pretty much have a wonderful life, and do as I please, have a nice house, and would not want to give that up. Still stings when I see someone get married though.”
—Still Love Him
5.“I think everyone’s 2020 sucked, but mine was exceptional.”
“Death of a parent, followed by the death of a sibling; death of another parent; working in an ER, not knowing what was happening at any moment. Midway through, my spouse decided this was the time to tell me of multiple affairs (only because a family member found evidence and threatened to tell me). I was unmoored and disoriented from all of it. I decided I couldn’t lose one more thing. Went to individual and marriage therapy, and also made big changes in jobs and friendships. It’s way better, but still incredibly hard. I just couldn’t lose another person. I don’t regret staying, but there will be no other chances.”
—Anonymous
6.“In 24 years of marriage, I’ve filed for divorce twice — and stopped both filings.”
“Why? Because I felt sorry for him. He’s an insecure, narcissistic bully with no friends. If I left, he would have no one. I regret staying, and wish I had gone through with the second filing. He had a successful airline career, and I would have been comfortable with my settlement. He has since mismanaged our investments, and my portion would not be enough for me to be comfortable. And now, I’m dealing with his early-onset dementia. He’s verbally abusive, flies into rages, and doesn’t make good financial decisions. Learn from my mistakes, and don’t stay with someone because you feel sorry for them.”
—Anonymous
7."My parents told my sister and I that they were getting a divorce. Dad found out about his cancer before they went through with it. My mom stuck with him and took care of him through his passing."
8."I do a lot of divorces in my practice, and typically the ones that get called off are the younger couples that decide they did not make a good enough effort to save the marriage. Half the time, I'll see the client again in about six months. The other half seems to work out."
"The only case that stands out in my memory is a case that was nearing the end... both attorneys had put in a lot of work. Mediation had been semi-successful, and we were fairly confident we were going to be able to settle the divorce without a full blown trial, but we knew that a couple issues might have to be decided by the judge. It was clear that the divorce was going to happen though.
One day, I get a call from my client. He told me he didn't want the divorce anymore, and he gave me his reason why. I informed him that we couldn't stop the divorce from happening if his wife wanted to press forward. He told me his wife wanted to call off the divorce as well for the same reason, which I'll get to in a moment. I called OC, and he informed me that his client wanted to call off the divorce as well... for the same reason.
Apparently, both parties had been visited by God on the same night, and he demanded that they honor their vows and make the marriage work. Keep in mind both parties have spent a lot of time and money already. I asked OC what his thoughts were, and he said "Who are we to argue with God?" We had a good laugh, and they are still married to this day."
9."When I was a kid the neighbor's dad ran off (went to get cigs and never came back). He was a rich banker type, and his wife was a married stay-at-home mom with three boys about my age."
"About ten years later and she's a real estate agent making decent money. She lost weight, dresses nice, etc. Basically, the MILF next door. She has a fiance but is technically still married so starts the legal proceedings.Guy comes back to appear in court, sign papers, etc., and falls head over heels in love again with his estranged wife. She takes him back and dumps the fiance. My friends, the three boys down the street, hated their dad for leaving and couldn't believe their mom took him back."
10."Divorce lawyer here. Seen a few reconciliations over the years. Couple of cases I’ve seen:"
"-Husband completed rehab and was fully committed to sobriety.
-Separation where one party was living in a Marriott suite for a month, not securing own residence. Just too hard on the family going through just that transition, much less an entire divorce.
-Two parents realizing that they couldn’t put the kids through the process of a divorce at that time.
-Two elder parties who just realized it made no financial sense to be divorced (taxes, health insurance, etc.)
One thing to definitely make clear is that lawyers (for the most part) are actually happy to see two people not get divorced — especially if there are kids involved. Yes, we don’t get paid as much, but there’s always someone getting divorced; as a divorce lawyer you accept that you traffic in human misery and sometimes it’s just nice to see people staying together. Reconciliations (when it’s for the best) and adoptions — those are the best parts of the job."
11."My parents called off their divorce."
"My mom didn't make enough money to take care of the kids alone. She would have had to move us all back to our home country where she would have had family help. My dad didn't want to lose me so they stayed together. In the end they divorced 10 years later."
12."My parents called of theirs twice. They separated and lived apart for about 6 months each time. They hid the fighting well as it blindsided us kids each time, and it crushed my dad. Only time I've ever seen him cry was mom telling us he was moving out."
"In the end, each time, he just caved on his position regarding the issue because he couldn't stand not seeing us each day. My sister was the result of their last reconciliation, and the last 20 years have been the longest stint without an attempted divorce."
13."Not a Lawyer. My parents called off their divorce 3-5 times over the span of 10 years. I wanted them to split up because it was obvious they aren't meant for each other."
"My moms reason for not going through with it was a typical "Stay together for the kids" scenario. All though her and I had a rough relationship during my teenage years and one of the times she told me the divorce was my fault.
My dads reasoning, as we found out later, was a lot more messed up. Each time he asked for a divorce it was because he was cheating and tried to leave my mom for the other woman. But everytime the woman would reject him and he would go back to my mom. It was a different woman each time.
They did finally divorce when I was 17 and it was messy and traumatic for everyone involved. But things are significantly better now that they are not together."
14."Not a lawyer but my parents called off their divorce."
"I’m pretty sure they weren’t all that serious about the divorce in the first place, but my dad left in the middle of the night after an argument (we were having money problems, so they fought a lot, but I don’t think either of them ever left the house until this point). He stupidly went to stay with his much younger, ‘attractive’ student (both adults, my dad had taught her for years at TAFE, she and many other students of his have close relationships with my parents), my mum took this as a personal assault and confirmation that he was cheating so started the divorce process.
My dad got an apartment, they both struggled even more apart. My brother had a school performance, and they both came and reconnected; he moved back in that week and got out of his lease. They dropped the divorce.
I was pretty young, so there was probably a lot that went on that I didn’t see, but it seemed to me very hasty and not thought through, tbh.
Edit: my dad didn’t have an affair; my mum just assumed that’s because he stayed at a female friend's place instead of a guy's place."
