People Who Have Been Single Basically Their Entire Lives Are Sharing Why And How It Affects Them
According to studies, 41% of single people aren't looking to date others and are actively choosing to be single. Reading that wild percentage, I couldn't help but wonder what is leading people to choose to be single and live a solo life. To find this out, I recently asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell me more about their singlehood and whether they love their decision or have any regrets about not dating or being married. Here is some of what they shared:
1."I have always enjoyed my own company but regretted when I got into a relationship with a narcissistic guy. I have always been laid back in relationships and choose battles to raise. But this one taught me everything that is wrong in a relationship and a person. Being an introvert, the turmoil was not worth it, and I had to psych myself out of falling into depression. Singlehood is graceful."
2."Firstly, I haven't met anyone who makes me feel as safe, happy, and cherished as I make myself. Secondly, I spent my 20s getting my degree, training as a lawyer, and finally opening my own practice. I haven't had the time or inclination to find someone. Finally, I am inundated with horror stories about the dating pool and marriage. For the foreseeable future, I am in the best hands, which are my own."
3."I'm single because I never found anyone who cared about me (who lived). I found partners, but they all lacked empathy, so my 'high standard' was that someone was able to care for me as much as I did them and that they treated me respectfully. The only person capable of doing that died young. I think those who lack empathy find partners very easily in each other. I think those who have empathy either settle for less or choose to be alone, and you might find one or two good partners that really care and want to be with them in a lifetime."
4."I have never felt the need or desire to be in a relationship, and to be frank, I scarcely feel the need for friendships. I'm perfectly content on my own, and I enjoy doing things on my own. I've never felt lonely because I like my own company, and the thought of bringing someone into my personal bubble and affecting so many aspects of my life is very unappealing."
5."I am single because I have work to do on myself and people deserve better than what I can bring to the table. I am a product of divorce from a drug-addict mother and an angry, volatile, and hateful father. I am working on myself so that I don't hurt someone. I might be single just for now, I might stay single until I die. It depends on life and how much work I do on myself. As I said, people deserve better and so do I."
6."There are many reasons, from finding 'romance' just plain silly to not wanting children, I've remained single by choice. However, the main factor is that peace is much better and easier to maintain without someone always being there. Significant stress reduction and sense of permanent calm in the singlehood. It's unbeatable, really!"
7."Happily single Gen X'er. Freedom has always been very important to me, and at the age of 58 (single since 2017), I don’t want someone cramping my style or interfering with my future plans. My youngest is now 20 years old, and I have loved hanging out with him and making precious memories. This time will soon end, and I’m so happy I have made brilliant memories for both of us."
8."I'm a 53-year-old male who has been twice married and divorced. I gave up about 15 years ago and have been single since. I'm not dating or even hooking up. I'm surprisingly very happy. A workaholic and a happy sports fan. Even though I used to want a wife and a large family, I now enjoy the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. No regrets."
9."I am a single mom by choice. I own my own home. I have retirement savings. I love my family, my friends, and my job. I'm in my 40s and have yet to be in a relationship that has ended up being (and staying) a net positive in my life. I absolutely hate feeling like I'm taking care of a man-child, yet the majority of men I encounter aren't living (or regulating their emotions) like actual grownups. I now refuse to consider dating. To put it bluntly, the menfolk are a liability. I can't risk exposing my children or myself to emotional abuse or worse. My contentment is too precious."
10."I chose to stay single because the way dating works these days doesn’t match my values. I value my peace, my time alone, and my overall well-being, and relationships often throw those out of balance because of the pressure to follow societal and cultural norms. Growing up, I was taught that having a partner is a must, but I’ve decided that it’s not for me right now."
"I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone — I just want to live life on my own terms. I’ve also chosen to abstain, and honestly, life has been amazing. Why would I want to disrupt that? This is my time to learn more about myself — what I enjoy and don’t — without feeling like I have to change or fit into some mold just to be 'chosen' by a man. It feels free to focus on what makes me happy instead of trying to be the perfect girlfriend or wife. My choices are about me, not an audition for anyone else."
11."I've been a single gal for 20 years and I learned a lot about myself! I finally have a wonderful savings and investment account — the first time in my life, and I'm a senior on my own. Having dated a lot and still doing so I find it easier to be on my own to navigate life with."
"Yes, I get lonesome, of course, but I am busy volunteering, joining exercise groups, maintaining healthy friends, and doing what I wish. When I was in my last 12-year relationship, I felt trapped and not so happy. He abandoned me one day and ended up with another gal who he married out of the blue, and I was shocked and upset. It was a blessing in disguise. I prefer never to feel that way again. So unless an awesome man shows up and enhances my life in every way, I will continue to be single. Luckily, I didn't have kids with any of them. Sometimes, one can be very alone, even in a long-term relationship."
12."After my divorce, I have chosen to remain single. To be clear, prior to getting married (2017), I never had a problem getting a date and was in long-term relationships throughout my 20s and 30s. I married at 35 years old but had my second son at 20. This gave me a new outlook on life that my husband (who never had kids) didn't see. I was and still am into traveling and appreciate things as an adult, not a mom. Well, we divorced when I was 43, and I enjoy not being held down. I date but am not interested in being tied down to anyone except the Pittsburgh Steelers. I love hanging out with my adult children and making memories with my parents without dragging a third wheel or attending events with someone else's family. As selfish as I'm, I feel I deserve this."
13."I've never been interested in dating or having a relationship. My parents always claimed it would happen when I met the 'right' person. The two times I thought I might've had romantic crushes, I learned later, were really platonic crushes, which are totally different. Turns out I'm aroace (someone who doesn't experience any romantic or sexual attraction to others)."
14."I've been married twice but never again. I don't need someone to spend my money, judge what I do, make me wait when I want to go to some place or need me to look after them. I can go where I want, see who I want, and do what I want every day. I have never met a woman who spent more money on me than I spent on her."
15."I would rather be single than unhappy with a man. LOVE is great, but I don't want it with a man. I am straight, which is not by choice, but I do wonder if I would be better off being asexual or lesbian. I cannot change being attracted to men; however, I can consciously decide not to date them."
"Men LOVE differently to women, and I do not like it. I am stubborn and do not want to be subservient or dominated. I find men exhausting, tiring, lazy in romantic relationships, boring, taking up way too much space, and overall imposing, intrusive, and energy-draining. I love my own space and company, and I do love LOVE and want LOVE, but it won't happen on their terms.
Healthy men look to be of service. Toxic men are seeking servants. It is rare and almost impossible to meet a healthy man that I am sexually and physically attracted to."
16."I’m single because I’ve never enjoyed anyone’s company more than mine. And I’m not saying that flippantly. I simply don’t relate to a lot of people. I’m an only child who has done everything in life on my own. I am my own peace, and I don’t want anyone disturbing that."
17."I tried dating, and I found it depressing. I can only guess what would have happened if I ever found a girlfriend. I have seen statistics that show that women who are the happiest and who have the longest, least stressful lives are the ones who remain single. Therefore, I would not be doing women any favors by dating them or pursuing any relationship with them. Maybe the happy single women are finding boyfriends or other types of relationships, but I don't know. I do know that single people have the lowest divorce rate. Most married people I see are miserable."
18."I have been single for the last 15 years. I dated in my late teens and early twenties, and the relationships were all, in one way or another, toxic and abusive. I then became chronically ill with endometriosis. I chose not to date as I didn't want anyone to deal with a chronically ill partner, and I also did not have the physical, emotional, and mental energy to be in a relationship. Then, it became about making myself better and becoming the person I wanted to be. I'm still working on that."
"On an intimate note, I would have to really connect with someone before taking that step, as my body has changed so much, and I have a few skin issues. Plus, endometriosis can mean sex can be painful. I don't have plans to be with anyone any time soon. I'm still working on becoming 'me,' and I don't want to be in a relationship just to be in one. Some day, when I want companionship again and can give and receive all that a relationship entails, I might be open to being in one again."
19."I chose to be single because I am far better on my own. I’ve lost myself in relationships and became what I didn’t want. As a single lady, I have the freedom to be me and go as I please. If I want to see a movie, I can, and no one complains. If I want to go on vacation, I go exactly where I want to go and do exactly what I want. Again, no one complains."
20."I've just never been chosen. I've had really bad self-esteem since I was a kid, thanks to my family, and I guess people can tell when you don't love yourself. Who wants someone that doesn't love themself? At least, that's what I told myself. Now I'm 32 going on 33, and I've never been in a real, serious, healthy relationship. I struggle with severe depression, and it's caused a lot of weight gain. I truly believe we're all beautiful and I guess I'm afraid of rejection. I'm in therapy, and I've made strides, but I'm still lonely. Thankfully, I don't want kids, and I've learned to love myself with the love I have for others."
"Now that I've made progress in my self-worth, I refuse to settle, and I'm working to create the life that I want, but I still get scared about being rejected due to my weight, and I would love to be with someone and be married. I have so much love to give, but I refuse to settle for someone who doesn't love 100% of who I am, and maybe that means I have to be single and mostly happy instead of with someone and miserable."
21."I planned to be married and have children in my 20s. Life just didn’t go that way. I’m now 43 and the happiest I’ve been as an adult. And single. My child is a cat. I don’t NEED to be with anyone. I’m happy on my own, though a second income would be nice. If I CHOOSE to be with someone, it will be because they make my life better, and I make theirs better. I’ve found that men, even at this age, want you to need them. Darling, if a woman needs you to save her in her 40s, run in the opposite direction because something is seriously wrong. I will never need you. But for the right partner, I would choose you every day. If that person shows up, great. If not, I don’t feel that my life is less than. I have a great career and amazing friends, and I don’t fear doing things by myself. Sometimes I prefer it."
22."I'm in my late twenties and was finally able to move out of my parents' house a year ago. After spending the last fifteen years being my mom's caregiver and emotional support system because my dad refused to step up to the plate (and yet they are still happily married somehow), there is no way in hell that I'll let anyone into my life anytime soon now that I finally have a life of my own. Oh, also being ace doesn't really help I guess."
23."I’m socially awkward and not good at reading romantic signals. I wish I had put forth more effort in my college years to meet someone as I’ve found very little success in adulthood, but being queer and from a conservative state, I did not have much opportunity growing up. Still hoping that one day I’ll meet someone as most of my friends are paired up, and being single can be very difficult as being the third, fifth, or seventh wheel is not always fun. I do enjoy my own company, though and I don’t plan to settle for someone who treats me poorly just to have a 'partner.'
24."Some will say I am young, but I am thirty and have never been in a long-term relationship. I never met anyone who liked me as a person and not just my body for a casual relationship. So I just gave up, gave up the idea that I’ll find someone because, let’s be real, it doesn’t happen to everybody. And the peace of mind of being single is great — living by my own rules, no need to be perfect for someone else, no need to share or wait for someone else to watch your favorite show. The only downside is the money — life as a single person is more expensive."
25."I give too much of myself to relationships, and they can be very intense, including sexually. So I’ll go on a date with someone perfectly nice, but I don’t see the point if I’ve had stronger chemistry with someone else. I am also terrified of getting hurt and have kind of got used to relying on myself."
26."58 and never married. I’ve been single now for 20+ years. I was in a long-term relationship for 11 years that was physically and emotionally abusive. He cheated but couldn’t decide if he wanted me or her. I finally had enough and moved away. Not sure I could ever be in another relationship. I don’t trust men. They can’t seem to keep it in their pants. Being single has upsides but downsides too. The downside is that financially, it’s all in you. Every decision is yours. I recently had some major surgery. I had no one to stay with me and help me through my recovery. Three weeks ago, we got several inches of snow and negative temperatures. Even though I was physically restricted from manual labor (snow and ice removal), I had no choice but to do it myself, which resulted in pulling some stitches. Most days I love being single and having no one to answer to or in my space but every now and then it would be nice to have someone around."
27."I wouldn’t say I regret never getting married, but I wish more people felt the same way/prioritized friendships and the community at large over a spouse and kids. I like living alone and having a good friend network. I like that my future is more open (I can move, travel, go back to school, change jobs more easily without dependents or a spouse’s job to worry about, etc), but also feel I’d fit in better with mainstream culture in middle age if I were married with kids and definitely have drifted from most people my age for that reason. I also underestimated the financial disadvantages of living alone compared to the buying power of couples when competing for houses."
Are you single by choice? If so, share your thoughts with me on what life is like and if you love it or if you have any regrets."
