Professional Party Planners Share Their Secrets For Handling Obnoxious Guests
Maybe it’s a relative who spews icky political b.s. every year. Perhaps it’s your cousin’s new boyfriend, who’s hitting the booze a bit too hard. Or possibly a previously mild-mannered pal has gotten uncharacteristically riled up and started a fight with — wait, is that grandma?
Family gatherings can be tense. Holidays can increase that anxiety. So when everyone starts to wig out before you’ve even had time to slice the pie, what are you supposed to do?
To get the best possible expert advice, we talked to professional caterers, the people who are there for some of the most important — and fraught — occasions of your life. They shared wise ideas, from the practical to the philosophical, to help you keep things under control this year.
Let everyone know what to expect.
If you’re hosting, it’s your responsibility to help the event be enjoyable for all involved. Let people know well in advance what they can expect, said chefBecky Geisel of Bex Kitchen & Catering. “Just like with a catered event, setting expectations with your guests beforehand is essential,” she said. “A little pre-event communication goes a long way in preventing unwanted surprises or unrealistic expectations.”
If there’s a person who’s caused problems in the past, this might be the time for a heartfelt one-on-one, well before the appointed day. Or if you’ve made some preemptive changes to a traditional event, such as switching up the time, changing how the food is served, rethinking the gift exchange, or perhaps deciding to refrain from serving alcohol, you should let guests know about those details upfront.
Monitor alcohol.
At the top of the list, well above short tempers and long-held grudges, alcohol is the chief contributing factor for obnoxious behavior at holiday gatherings. Even if you decide to serve alcohol at your party, you need plenty of nonalcoholic beverages too, said “Restaurant: Impossible” host Robert Irvine. “This doesn’t mean acting like a bouncer and cutting people off, but there are little things you can do to keep the holiday from turning into one big drink-up,” he said.
He noted that it’s important to keep the hydration coming. “No one should have to ask for water, so have full glasses at every place setting and a few pitchers on the table,” he suggested. “Keep plenty of sparkling water around, too, which is an attractive option as it helps settle stomachs.”
The most practical tip we were given came from the executive chef of The Raging Skillet, Chef Rossi. “My golden rule for holiday parties, whether for my business or my home, is to never provide shot glasses,” she said. “Allowing shots at the bar is a one-way ticket to guest hell.”
She recalled catering a Wall Street party of years past in which one of the bros got carried away and shouted at her, “I need six shots of tequila.” Using her trademark humor to deescalate the situation, she shot back, “I need three Xanax and a foot massage, but we don’t always get what we want.” All ended well(ish), eventually: “Shot boy and his cronies left for their afterparty somewhere in guest hell.”
Try a little tenderness.
One thing these professionals consistently mentioned was emphasizing kindness and compassion, which are foundational elements of the entire hospitality industry. According to chef Sandy Davis of New York’s Roxo Events, things will run more smoothly if you “make the concept of hospitality foremost in your mind,” he said. “It’s so important to make folks feel at home.”
If those guests are suddenly so at home that their worst selves are emerging, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-style, then remember that a little kindness goes a long way, said Robin Selden, executive chef and managing partner at Marcia Selden Catering and Naked Fig Catering. “My mantra is to respond with kindness and avoid getting drawn into their web of negativity,” she said. “It’s unfortunately situational, and you just happen to be on the receiving end. Sometimes you just need to give grace to these meanies, since you never know what they’re living through.”
For Irvine, the key word is compassion. “We’re all just human,” he said. “Extend compassion, even to people who seem to be giving those around them a hard time. None of us are as bad as how we’ve acted on our worst day, so keep people’s best qualities top of mind. You did, after all, choose to spend a holiday with these folks, so I’m sure you can think of something.”
Distract the a**hole.
Geisel suggested a tried-and-true parenting method to ease mounting tensions: redirection. “If someone gets a bit too opinionated or negative, distraction is key,” she said. “Quickly change the topic or encourage a group activity to steer the attention elsewhere. Sometimes, a simple, ‘Oh, let’s head to the kitchen — I’d love your help with this dish!’ can both distract and engage them in something positive.”
Another option, Irvine said, is to offer to take a walk with the obnoxious guest. “Houses tend to get stuffy with body heat, and that aggravates everyone, even little kids,” he noted. “The cool outside air has a way of naturally soothing frayed nerves, and exercise regulates our bodies. If alcohol has been involved, it will also help sober everyone up a bit.”
Finally, try to savor the moment, such as it is.
Geisel said you need to remember that it’s your party, too. “Enjoy yourself, don’t sweat the small stuff, and remember that a positive attitude can work wonders,” she said.
It’s also nice to remember that, no matter how your guests act, you’re uniquely privileged to be able to cook and entertain for the people you care about (at least most of them).
Davis highlighted that sentiment. “Cooking for people you love in your home is way, way better than cooking for a job,” he said. “It’s more personal and rewarding by far.”
And when there’s nothing else to be done, Irvine said that sometimes you just need to “breathe deep and try to savor it.” Some gratitude can be helpful, too. “It’s hard to get everyone together, but we make the effort because it doesn’t happen that often, and when it works right, it’s so worth it,” he added. “You only get one family. Love them for what they are, not what you wish they would be.”
