How to Stop Being Jealous in a Relationship, According to Experts
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Figuring out how to stop being jealous in a relationship can be really hard, especially if you’re not sure what’s fueling your feelings to begin with. Even if you’re blessed with the most loving, loyal partner, it’s easy to get swept up in a wave of possessiveness when they laugh a little too hard with a cute coworker, for example, or you stumble upon a pic of their ridiculously hot ex.
Just like anger and sadness, “jealousy is a completely normal human emotion that can pop up even in healthy relationships,” Sarah Epstein, LMFT, a Dallas-based couples therapist, tells SELF. Sometimes, caring about someone so much can trigger protective instincts that make you want them all to yourself, Epstein says. Other times, this insecurity may be a sign you’re craving something that’s missing—perhaps more reassurance or quality time.
Still, it’s important to keep your romantic jealousy in check, she adds. Otherwise, it can take over and lead to toxic behaviors, like trying to control who your SO sees, what they do, or where they go—or invading their privacy by snooping on their phone. We’re not saying you have to become some effortlessly chill partner who never deals with self-doubt. But if you want to learn how to stop being jealous in a relationship, the expert tips below can help you keep baseless worries from ruining a good thing.
1. Be curious (not embarrassed) about your jealousy.
No one wants to admit to being the “jealous type.” But Epstein says that suppressing insecurity and anxiety often leads to impulsive actions you’ll likely regret later—like accusing your partner of flirting when all they did was smile at a barista, or questioning their loyalty over a single social media like.
The next time you’re having unwarranted trust issues, “slow down and give yourself a chance to really think through the experience,” she suggests. “Journaling is a great way to reflect because writing down how you’re feeling can help you distance yourself from jealous thoughts.” You might jot down something like, “My partner liked their very attractive friend’s post, and now I’m feeling insecure about my own appearance.” Or, “They didn’t share their phone password, so now I’m paranoid about what (or who) they’re hiding.”
According to Epstein, taking just a few minutes to identify your specific emotions (and why you’re feeling them) allows you to view your jealousy more objectively. That way, you’re less likely to immediately blame, scold, or judge your partner based on a fleeting suspicion. This exercise can also interrupt the cycle of catastrophic thinking (What if they leave me for their ex???) and help you reflect on whether your feelings of jealousy stem from your partner’s actions or your own underlying issues—like low self-esteem or a fear of abandonment lingering from your last breakup.
2. Fact-check your suspicions.
It’s easy to jump to conclusions and spiral into worst-case scenarios when unhealthy jealousy hijacks your thoughts. They’re always texting someone…it must be their ex. They laughed at their friend’s joke but not mine…maybe they’re not into me anymore.
But remember, these assumptions aren’t facts: “This is a story your jealousy is telling you,” Alex Ly, LMFT, a therapist based in Fremont, California, tells SELF. That’s why it’s important to challenge your negative thoughts by focusing on what you actually know.
For instance, let’s say your partner isn’t answering your texts on a Saturday night. Before you automatically assume they must be flirting at a bar, take a moment to remind yourself of the facts: They’ve gone out plenty of times before without any drama, right? Or they already gave you a heads-up about being busy, so it’s not like they’re intentionally ignoring you. And realistically: When you’re out having fun with your pals, are you glued to your phone? (Probably not!)
3. Resist the urge to dig into your partner’s past relationships…
Even if there’s no reason to doubt their loyalty, retroactive jealousy (an unhealthy obsession with their previous romantic relationships) can still creep in. You might catch yourself scrolling so deep into their one-night stand’s Facebook that you end up on their 2015 posts, or measuring your looks and intelligence against their cool, successful high school sweetheart.
Indulging in these jealous behaviors, however, is a waste of time and energy since their past experiences are in the past for a reason, Ly says. To prevent resentment from hijacking your current connection, he recommends setting healthy boundaries—like blocking or muting their exes on social media to avoid falling into a rabbit hole of comparison. You can also politely ask them not to talk about their sexual history if you know that triggers your insecurities. By taking these steps, you can protect your mental health and shift your attention to what’s happening now, which brings us to our next tip…
4. ...and focus on what’s going well in your relationship, instead.
Rather than obsessing over hypothetical what-ifs, Ly recommends redirecting your energy towards appreciating the present: “It’s a helpful way to see just how strong your relationship really is,” he says—and also, how irrational your doubts may be.
A good place to start is by making a list (on paper or in your notes app) of all the times your partner has proven their trustworthiness. Even if they don’t share their location with you, maybe they always make an effort to text you when they arrive safely at their destination. Or perhaps they consistently prioritize spending quality time together, even during their busiest weeks. Whenever jealous feelings creep in, having these heartwarming reminders handy can be the wake-up call you need to realize there’s no reason to feel threatened or paranoid.
Another way to embrace the positives of your bond? Create new memories together, Epstein suggests. Plan a fun date, like a cozy movie marathon or a fancy romantic dinner at that new Italian spot you’ve been eyeing. By actively investing in your relationship and celebrating what’s good, you’ll hopefully feel more secure (and less threatened), she says.
5. Stop relying solely on your partner for validation—and start reclaiming your independence.
It’s easy to overthink and scrutinize your loved one’s every little move when your entire identity is based on them. That’s why both Ly and Epstein emphasize the importance of having personal interests and hobbies outside of your relationship.
Not only does staying busy distract you from worrying about what your SO is doing, but investing in yourself can give you a renewed sense of purpose, Ly says (which can help ensure you’re not relying solely on someone else for your happiness and self-confidence). The key is to channel your energy into whatever brings you joy, whether that’s perfecting your already impressive baking skills, say, or joining a run club. Because when you’re content and fulfilled on your own, you’re less likely to constantly seek reassurance from the person you’re dating.
6. Be honest with your partner, but don’t blame them.
Admitting that you’re an insecure or jealous person can be tough—embarrassing even. But both therapists agree that honest and open communication is a must for preventing misunderstandings and keeping resentment from building up.
“I encourage people to take a nonjudgmental, curious approach—rather than going in with a mission to interrogate, accuse, and blame,” Ly says. One effective way to do this is by focusing on your own experiences and sticking with “I” statements. For example, “I get paranoid when I see you being so friendly with your single friends, and it makes me wonder if you think I’m not as fun as them” versus “You smile and flirt with everyone, and it’s so disrespectful.”
Remember, sharing your emotions isn’t about trying to control your partner. It’s about being honest and vulnerable about what’s bothering you, which should help them understand where your fears and concerns are coming from. Ideally, you’ll get the reassurance you need to feel more secure and trusting, Epstein says. But if their response seems dismissive or totally unempathetic, you’re at least getting a wake-up call that perhaps the relationship isn’t giving you the security and support you deserve.
Related:
Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Here’s What Couples Therapists Think
14 Red Flags in a Relationship You Definitely Shouldn’t Ignore
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Originally Appeared on SELF
