Therapists Give Tips on Going Home For the Holidays Amid Family Tension
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Going home for the holidays can be fraught for some no matter the time, but in an election year, any existing tension can feel amplified. This year, you might be wondering how to deal with Trump supporter parents, worried about the rise of open transphobia, or just dreading dealing with those relatives (we all have them). Worse, returning home may not be safe for some people, particularly LGBTQ people who have homophobic or transphobic family members, or for people whose relationship with their family is so toxic that it's untenable.
If you're worried about going home for the holidays, or know that you simply can't, first know that you're not alone. There are many, many people going through this same thing. While it's not clear whether family estrangement is actually increasing, more people are talking about it online, offering a kind of kinship for those going through that struggle. Also know that it's OK to feel grief; even if you haven't been home for the holidays in years, it's very normal to still mourn the kind of loving connection we all hope we'll have with our family.
To help you navigate a difficult family situation over the holidays, we reached out to Talkspace to get professional advice from some of their therapists on how to take care of your mental health. But first, if you are experiencing a crisis, there is help available. You can call the suicide and crisis lifeline at 988; to reach an LGBTQ+-trained crisis counselor, press 3 after you call. You can also text with an LGBTQ+-trained counselor by sending the word PRIDE to 988, or you can chat online here.
How to handle tough conversations
Dr. Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, Talkspace therapist, recommends that you know your triggers, and plan out how you will walk away if you need to. “The holidays are supposed to be joyful, but sometimes thinking about dealing with some family members or specific topics can be triggering. If you have to spend the time with people that have different views, you have the option of opening up about your feelings or not. Some of the things to consider before are level of trust, previous conversations, and triggers,” Dr. Catchings says. “If you know that the conversations will be difficult, plan in advance and decide when you have to stay or excuse yourself.”
Dr. Catchings also urges you to remember that you may not be entering a totally peaceful conversation. If that's the case, removing yourself from the situation isn't a cop out, it's necessary.
“Although you may have the best intentions to participate in a dialogue, the other person may not. Know your triggers and how much you are willing to accept. Remind yourself about your superpower, that one that allows you to wear the magic suit that allows you to repel negative comments or to disappear from the place as needed. It is not avoiding or escaping, it is pure self-care,” Dr. Catchings says. "If you decide to practice your listening skills and communicate respectfully, test the waters and if the conversation gets heated, share your views but remember you have the option to excuse yourself to go get another serving. Remember, you are in control of your situation."
While you can prepare yourself to either speak up or stay quiet, Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, Talkspace therapist, urges you to remember that opting out entirely is also a valid option.
“Being prepared to speak up or stay quiet will always be an option, but so is participating in the event. Sometimes staying home and enjoying good music, an interesting show, and take out can be a wonderful option,” Keohan says. “If you’re going through a roller coaster of emotions post-election, the holidays in mixed company could be sensory overload. It’s a good time to ask yourself, ‘how deep do I want to go with my family this year?’”
So, how can you make that assessment? “First, consider who is hosting and what is the potential climate. If your convictions are more important than the setting, then think about what is best for you — staying home or playing nice?” Keohan says. If you do decide to go to the event, Keohan says that you don't need to compromise your beliefs to participate. “Lock in to what is important to you and honor it. Being around family with opposing views doesn’t mean you have to compromise what you believe. Practice small doses of ‘chat snacks’ if you want to be polite to avoid pitfalls.”
If you “commit to keeping it low key,” Keohan says, “you’ll avoid a major energy suck by predetermining how you want to enjoy your time — your way.” In practice, Keohan says that looks like keeping it moving: "Move around physically. Staying in one spot can also mean getting stuck in one conversation. We’re so much more than just politics. And at best, it’s a rare time to connect in ways we often forget what we crave after a long year.”
If you don't feel safe going home
First and foremost, Keohan says you have to keep yourself safe. If you don't feel safe going home and you have an option not to go, don't do it.
“Safety first – both physically and emotionally,” Keohan says. “If going home causes stress and anxiety, be sure to lock into your mental health instead. Prioritize how you feel. Choosing what you want can be a huge relief, especially if ‘home’ might cause a potential drain. If space is what you need now, you’re better off being honest with yourself first."
If you decide not to attend your family gathering, Keohan recommends communicating that to your would-be hosts if possible. This will be an exercise in boundary setting. Then, Keohan says you might choose to start your own holiday tradition.
“Even when we forgo tradition at the cost of distance, it can still feel like a loss. Make it an opportunity to find your own meaning in this time of year and remember, when you are authentic to yourself it is a solid win because you empower yourself when you choose yourself," Keohan says. "Give yourself permission to be happy, instead of feeling weighed down by obligation.”
If you live with your family and don't really have the option of opting out entirely, Dr. Catchings has some suggestions: “If there's a sense of threat or anxiety that is not letting you sleep, staying home or spending the day with good friends are always good options. Sometimes the expectations that families set are difficult to deal with, but you are under no obligation to be in a place where you do not feel welcome. If you live there, decide how long you want to stay and how much you want to share and plan something in advance so you can leave.”
When you can, and if you feel safe, creating your own holiday memories — however sad at first — can feel powerful.
“Holidays are times to have a good time, but you decide where you want to spend them. Your safety and wellbeing come first and perhaps you know other people who are in similar situations and would like to spend the day with you," Dr. Catchings says. "If you don't, create your own special day and pamper yourself. Light up aromatic candles, play some music, cook or order something you like. Spending the day alone instead of going home may be healthier and more meaningful and you can create your own beautiful memories.”
Originally Appeared on Teen Vogue
