If You Want To Raise Empathetic Kids, Start With These 7 Phrases
Kids can often be self-centered, especially when they’re young. But how the adults in their lives talk to them can teach them to think about others and develop empathy as they’re growing up and into adulthood.
“We all want to raise kids who care,” said Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of The ′Me, Me, Me’ Epidemic — A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World. “Fostering empathy in our kids helps build connections with others and the world around them.”
We talked to experts about phrases that we should say (and what not to say) to help kids become empathetic and emotionally intelligent — and why that’s important.
What is empathy, and why should we teach it to kids?
Empathy is the ability to notice and understand other people’s emotions. Not only does it allow you to take other people’s perspectives, but it can help you build relationships and resolve conflict, said Ann-Louise Lockhart, pediatric psychologist, parent coach and owner of A New Day Pediatric Psychology.
“Kids who practice empathy are more likely to show kindness, adapt to diverse environments and develop resilience,” she said. “These skills are crucial for their emotional well-being and contribute to their success in personal and professional settings later in life.”
Because we are in a digital-driven world and there’s less face-to-face connection, it’s especially important that we’re intentional about our kids cultivating empathy, added Michele Borba, educational psychologist and author of “UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.”
The statements and questions we use in our interactions with them is a key way to do this.
Use phrases that focus on emotions and other people’s perspectives.
“How do you feel?”
“The most important thing you’ve got to do, starting at the … beginning, is talk feelings,” Borba said.
For young children (like 2-to-4-year-olds), she recommends talking about the four emotions: happy, sad, mad and scared.
Being able to identify what these feelings look like and acting them out can go a long way. For example, you may say, “Look at Doggy’s face,” or “Make your face look like Mommy’s face,” Borba said.
When they get older, you can ask them, “how do you feel?” and have them look in the mirror and name their emotions.
“How do you think they felt when that happened?”
After your child understands the words for emotions and how they’re feeling, start flipping your question to ask about how other people are feeling, Borba said.
This teaches them perspective-taking, which is an essential part of empathy, Lockhart added.
“This question encourages children to step outside their own experience and consider another person’s emotions,” she said. “[It] helps develop a habit of noticing and acknowledging emotions in social interactions, [which is key] for building compassionate relationships.”
“What can you do to help them feel better?”
“[This question] reinforces the idea that empathy is not just about feeling for someone — it’s about doing something to help,” Lockhart said. “[It] teaches kids to think about solutions and shows them the importance of being proactive in supporting others.”
For example, maybe your child wants to bring cookies to the neighbor, draw a picture for a grandparent or say sorry to a friend if they hurt their feelings.
By asking them what they can do, “you’re not giving the words to [your kids], [they are] having to figure it out for [themselves],” Borba explained.
“It sounds like they were having a tough day. What do you think they needed?”
Similar to the last question, asking what another person needs also teaches kids perspective-taking and problem-solving.
“By focusing on needs, children learn to understand the motivations behind behaviors and develop a deeper level of compassion,” Lockhart said.
“I can see you’re upset. Let’s talk about it.”
This phrase helps validate your child’s emotions and shows them that it’s OK to express and process them, Lockhart explained. Talking to them about their emotions also teaches them how to identify and articulate how they’re feeling.
“By saying this, parents show their children that their feelings matter and deserve attention,” she said. “When children see their emotions being acknowledged, they’re more likely to extend the same courtesy to others.”
Asking your child if they want to talk about something alsoshows that as a parent, you want to support them.
“[It] models that you recognize their pain and you are providing a safe space for them to process their feelings,” McCready said.
“Can you think of a time when you also felt like that?”
“This phrase helps kids connect the dots between experiences they’ve had to the way others may feel,” McCready shared.
It can be easier for a child to understand someone else’s emotions by thinking of something similar that they experienced and how they felt during it.
“It’s OK to feel angry/sad about that.”
“This normalizes the child’s feelings and helps them understand that they don’t have to hide or be ashamed of their emotional responses,” McCready said.
It shows that not suppressing their emotions and allowing them to feel them is a healthy way to process them.
Avoid using phrases that are close-minded.
If your tone is judgmental, your child is less likely to open up about how they’re feeling, Borba said. For example, phrases like, “Next time, do it this way,” or “Why did you do that?” may make your child feel criticized.
Also try to stay away from phrases that dismiss your child’s feelings, such as, “It’s not that big of a deal,” “Don’t be upset,” or “Stop overreacting,” McCready added.
Lastly, statements like “They’re fine, don’t worry about it” or “That’s not your problem” can “shut down emotional curiosity and discourage kids from tuning into others’ experiences,” Lockhart said.
The most effective way to teach empathy is in everyday moments.
Your kids aren’t going to learn all about empathy in a one-time lecture. Instead, it’s all about teaching them in small daily moments, Borba said.
“Any book you read to your child, you can always have them step into [the shoes of the characters and ask], ‘how would you feel?’” Borba said. “You can even be feeling detectives if you’re going [somewhere like the] mall” and try to identify people’s emotions based on their faces, body postures and voice tone.
She recommends thinking about a couple of ways you can incorporate these teachings into your day ahead of time so when the opportunity comes up, you’ll be ready.
“[Also] show them what these skills look like in your own interactions,” Lockhart added. “Small moments create powerful lessons.”
