Why I Send My Kids on ‘Sibling Dates’
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Growing up, my two younger sisters and I were often at odds. We were close in age, and we shared close quarters, but we weren’t close. When we were ages nine, seven, and five, we argued over Barbies, or what to watch on the one television in the house, or whether the youngest was able to “tag along” on a bike ride or a playdate. When we were 17, 15, and 13 we fought—sometimes physically—over clothes, shoes, and CDs that one of us borrowed (er, stole) from another. We screamed at each other to get off the phone. We tattled on each other about missed curfews, bad boyfriends, and all of the things we weren’t supposed to be doing.
Sure, we loved each other, but we didn’t always like each other. Only after we all went away to college did we start to get to know one another as people. I grew up thinking that having siblings was inevitably like this: You’re annoyed with each other, you compete, and sometimes there’s even a fistfight, but once everyone grows up and has a life of their own, you come back together. So, when I had my second child, I based my expectations on my own experience. I assumed my son and daughter would bicker and tattle (and maybe throw punches) as kids, and real friendship and closeness would have to wait until their 20s.
Luckily, I’ve been proven wrong. They’re 16 and 12 now, and I can’t remember the last time they got on each other’s nerves. Probably when my son Rhett was one or two, wrecking his sister Violet’s block towers or tugging her hair; toddlers aren’t easy roommates! Since then, though, they’ve gotten along incredibly well. Even my sisters and parents are amazed. Sometimes I wonder why my kids are so much closer than my siblings and I were, but I do think some of the reasons are clear.
My daughter is four years older than my son, the same age spread between myself and my youngest sister, but there are some key differences. One, there’s no peacemaking child between them—no one to say, as my middle sister did on some occasions, “Can’t we all just get along?” Two, my kids aren’t the same gender. And three, at least for the past few years, they’ve lived with me in a single-parent household.
The two of them have been through some tough times together: their parents’ divorce, traveling back and forth between houses when we shared joint custody, and their father’s move out of state. No matter what has happened in our family, though, and what the living arrangements have been, they’ve been a unit.
When I think about what my children have weathered together, and how they understand what the other has been through in ways even I cannot, I’m reminded that bickering with my own sisters was a kind of privilege. Our more stable childhood meant we didn’t feel the need to rely on each other. But children don’t need to go through significant traumas to be close. There are things we can do as parents to foster a more loving and communicative relationship between our kids.
One thing I’ve started doing, especially when I travel for work, is leaving them a little money for a “sibling date”—and it’s stuck. They can walk to a local bakery or tea shop for a treat, and inevitably they’ll talk about school and friends and make each other laugh. (Laughter is not in short supply in our family!) More than anything, I want to encourage a relationship between my son and daughter that’s all their own and that’s grounded in shared positive experiences.
Last spring, when I was on a book tour for the paperback of my memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, I forgot to leave sibling date cash for the kids. I felt terrible, but then I remembered that I could easily Venmo the babysitter, and she could give them some money to go do something together. When I texted Violet to tell her that was the plan, she told me they’d already gone on a walk, picked up Starbucks, and then she’d taught her brother how to make friendship bracelets. It was the best news I’d heard all week.
If you’re a parent of siblings, maybe you find that they don’t naturally gravitate toward each other like mine do. Maybe one is obsessed with video games while another would rather play outside with friends; maybe one is shy while another is gregarious; or maybe the older children are frustrated and annoyed by the younger ones. (As the oldest of three, I remember that feeling!) Whatever the dynamic, what could you do to foster a close, loving relationship between them?
As parents, we should look at ourselves and how we interact with our children. I think we have to be careful not to label or compare siblings, so they don’t see one another as competition. For example, I don’t try to persuade my daughter to be athletic like her brother, and I don’t expect my son to be as artistic as his big sister. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they have the same strengths and interests. We have the power to make it clear, day after day, that each of them is exactly who they’re supposed to be.
Beyond that, you might find ways to encourage your kids to spend time together without you, so you’re not the hinge holding them together. Buy them tickets to a movie or a school play; send them to get ice cream or a snack together; or just ask them to walk the dog without you every day, and, at the end of the week, treat them to bubble tea as a thank you. Encouraging siblings to spend time together will help lay the foundation for a special, solid relationship that will last a lifetime.
These days, my younger sisters and I talk and text frequently, confiding in each other about our lives. We have dinner almost every Sunday with our own families at our parents’ house—yes, we sit around at the same table we sat at as children. Stealing CDs from one another all those years ago must have helped us develop a similar taste in music, because now we like to go to concerts together too. My sisters are my best friends.
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