Who knew women with bodies could also be funny?
Hilarious ladies on Twitter are having a whole lot of fun with a challenge that asked them to describe themselves the way a male author would.
She stood in front of the mirror & ran her hands down her naked body. She could be beautiful. If only she was ten years younger, twenty pounds lighter, & had larger breasts. She sighed. She should have paid for a boob job instead of all that ice cream. But it was too late now.— Isla (@Isla_McMahon) April 1, 2018
Late last week, young adult author Gwen Katz was reading a Twitter conversation sparked by #ownvoices, a hashtag created to recommend YA and children’s books about “diverse characters written by authors from that same diverse group.”
While reading the conversation, Katz stumbled upon one male author who insisted he could write female characters authentically.
Katz proved that the anonymous writer was incredibly clueless by posting a few lines from his novel. It read:
“I sauntered over, certain he noticed me. I’m hard to miss, I’d like to think – a little tall (but not too tall), a nice set of curves if I do say so myself, pants so impossibly tight that if I had had a credit card in my back pocket you could read the expiration date. The rest of my outfit wasn’t that remarkable, just a few old things I had lying around. You know how it is.”
A male author is insisting that he is living proof that it's possible for a male author to write an authentic female protagonist.— Gwen C. Katz (@gwenckatz) March 30, 2018
Here's a quote from his first page. pic.twitter.com/f6d5bN2EHq
Whitney Reynolds, the host of a podcast called “I Haven’t Seen That” caught wind of Katz’s post and posed this question on Twitter: “describe yourself like a male author would.”
new twitter challenge: describe yourself like a male author would— Jonathan Franzia (@whitneyarner) April 1, 2018
Needless to say, the responses were excellent. Women wrote descriptions inspired by authors such as George R.R. Martin (“Her small breasts moved freely beneath a painted Dothraki vest”), Jack Kerouac (“Her breasts stuck out straight and true; her little flanks looked delicious”) and many, many, many others.
Here is a sampling of their poignant brilliance:
I had big honking teeters, just enormous bosoms, and I thought about them constantly as I walked down the street, using my legs (thick, with big shapely calves), but never not thinking about my enormo honkers, https://t.co/UaCQBchchL— Talia Lavin (@chick_in_kiev) April 1, 2018
She had a butt like two buttery brioche rolls and presumably an inner world and job of some kind. https://t.co/kvipWdTRhg— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) April 2, 2018
She slid her legs into skintight jeans, the better to flaunt their leg-like shape, and strode down a corridor, walking on her legs, which were long. Wow, she thought, my legs are so long. Her breasts jounced their agreement. https://t.co/gOlZkSmK5u— Samantha Shannon (@say_shannon) April 3, 2018
Her breasts were like two scoops of vanilla ice cream covering the maze of her inside parts. She had a face too, he thought, but it kept speaking. https://t.co/8mXEzrYHQA— Shannon Coulter (@shannoncoulter) April 2, 2018
Her undersized bosom did not suggest the surprise that on the other side of her was a sizable ass. He began to think of her body a a mullet. She was business in the front and a party in the back. https://t.co/H2OdY77Pmb— Sarah Watson (@SarahWatson42) April 2, 2018
She was pretty but the kind of pretty where you have to get to know her to see it. https://t.co/IJV0EBKY4w— Danielle Sepulveres (@ellesep) April 2, 2018
She had a nice face, I guess, but she was fatter than I usually like in a woman. It didn’t stop me from staring at her ass, though. Not much in the cleavage department either. When I asked her to come back to my place, she said no. Must be a lesbian. https://t.co/TBNkWV5CbL— Shannon Purser (@shannonpurser) April 3, 2018
As she moved her strong cocoa body gleamed as if calling to the country of Africa. Her chocolate waist moved like an alluring siren calling me to crash on the rocks of her brown buttocks. https://t.co/eY08cAprM1— Kelechi Okafor (@kelechnekoff) April 2, 2018
something abt porcelain skin because Asian, something about petite and submissive because Asian, something about silky raven Asian hair, something about exotic and something about almond shaped eyes because Asian— Marie Lum 林 (@PuccaNoodles) April 1, 2018
Her china porcelain doll-like skin was sprinkled with freckles, like grains of rice. She often drew her black eyeliner long, like a geisha, as if to further stretch & accentuate her almond shaped slits for eyes. “hey,” she said, the sound for calling upon & honoring her ancesto https://t.co/1sABW07Kqn— east infection (@efan1014) April 3, 2018
I didn’t write one because it’d probably just be about breasts and almond-shaped eyes, but I did draw it out pic.twitter.com/OehvT1IHcn— Amanda Wong (@amandawtwong) April 1, 2018
As round as she was loud, she immediately filled the room. My first thought was that I didnt want to fuck her. My second thought was even more disturbing, she didnt seem to care. She contemplated the roundness of her own boobs and contributed something to the meeting. I missed it https://t.co/1uTe0cKCaE— Ashley Nicole Black Panther (@ashleyn1cole) April 2, 2018
"She referenced a universally-supported legal concept in a political discussion, but due to the nature of her gender, I felt compelled to ensure she understood the concept she was referencing, and I did so by rephrasing, in a corrective tone, what she literally just said." https://t.co/l2Bj3T2IzF— Charlotte Clymer️ (@cmclymer) April 1, 2018
She was beautiful, inside and out, even with her flaws, which were few and endearing. After all, if I cared to notice anything deeper about her and consider her a dimensional human being my obsessive fantasy of her might be shattered.— Cami Ragaglia (@Cami_Rags) April 1, 2018
Her hair was pulled back and she wore sensible shoes with clothes more comfortable to her than alluring to me. I decided she would look much more attractive to me if only she were to smile. So I told her that. It was then that she unleashed the fury of a hundred dragons. https://t.co/Xcs54YeIVd— objkshn (@objkshn) April 2, 2018
She was beautiful, but she didn’t know it. Soft skin, perfectly round breasts, curvy waist, and an ass the size of Montana. But there was a sadness in her eyes. There was a darkness inside of her that was begging to be explored. I immediately knew that only I could fix her. https://t.co/jQ9dPc7S9b— A (@itsaliyandro) April 2, 2018
- This article originally appeared on HuffPost.