1 In 4 Parents Uses This Christmas Threat To Discipline Kids — And Chances Are It Will Backfire
If, in a moment of tension, you’ve heard yourself saying something like, “Santa won’t come unless you ... [Stop hitting your brother! Put down that rock! Quit whining!]” — don’t worry, you’re not alone.
“Getting kids to consistently listen can be challenging. It can be even more difficult during the holidays,” Leah Orchinik, a pediatric psychologist at Nemours Children’s Hospital in Wilmington, Delaware, told HuffPost.
“There are often events, activities, changes in routine, excitement for Christmas or other holidays and time off from school,” Orchinik said.
We fill kids with treats, ply them with presents and then expect them to be on their best behavior in front of friends and relatives. It’s a recipe for kids to test boundaries that can easily try a parent’s patience. A threat, like Santa not coming or taking away toys, can result in a behavior shift that makes a situation bearable. This is probably why parents turn to this strategy so frequently.
A recent Mott Poll from the University of Michigan found that 1 in 4 parents with children ages 3 to 5 used Santa not coming or no gifts as a threat to get their children to behave.
Mott Poll co-director and pediatrician Susan Woolford explained that the poll found other threats were even more common with children of this age. “About 80% of parents say they threaten to, for example, leave a place or an activity to encourage their children to behave well. And even more, 85%, said they threatened to take away toys or electronics.”
But although such threats are common, they aren’t particularly effective. We asked experts to explain why this is and to recommend other strategies.
Why Threats Don’t Work
The number one reason that these threats don’t work? Parents don’t follow through on them. (Think about it. Do you know anyone who ever actually received a lump of coal in their stocking?)
“If parents are not going to follow through and follow through consistently, then the children very rapidly learn that they can ignore their parents. And so these approaches are not very effective in the long run,” Woolford said. She explained that once kids understand that these threats are hollow, they realize they don’t actually have to change their behavior.
Orchinik explained that in some cases a threat — or its close cousin, a bribe — can actually reinforce the misbehavior.
“If a child throws a tantrum in a store because they can’t get a toy, and they are told they will get a toy if they calm down and stop hitting, then the take-home message is that the tantrum was successful in getting them the toy, they wouldn’t have gotten it if the tantrum hadn’t occurred in the first place,” Orchinik said.
It can feel like victory for the parent if they use a threat to get the tantrum to end in this kind of a situation, but in fact it will likely only lead to more tantrums.
What To Do Instead
The tricky part is that the best solutions to behavior issues begin before a child starts to misbehave. Praising and rewarding good behavior as well as having a plan in place for what you will do when misbehavior happens will reinforce positive behavior and leave you less likely to resort to threats in tough moments.
Woolford recommended that parents “give specific praise and encouragement” when their child demonstrates positive behavior by saying things like, “It’s so kind to help your sister,” or “Thank you for helping Mommy pick up your toys.”
What children want, Woolford explained, is attention, and they will turn to the behaviors that elicit the most of this from their parents, even when that attention is negative. This means parents have to stay on top of positive reinforcement. In addition to using praise, simple reward systems like sticker charts can work well with young children. A child might earn a sticker to put on their chart every time they help clean up the toys, for example, and a new toy car for every 10 stickers.
Toddlers, Woolford said, “are really rarely willfully misbehaving. They’re just sort of exploring their world. So redirection and distraction are good ways of helping very young children stay safe because that’s generally the issue.”
For children who are a little older and able to understand your directions, you want to use clear, simple language like “If ... then” statements: “If you don’t take turns with the toy, I’m going to put it in the closet.”
It’s important to be both deliberate and consistent. “I think one of the first things that parents should decide is which behaviors are important enough to address, because it really is impossible to address every behavior,” Woolford said.
Once you’ve homed in on the behavior you’re going to focus on, make a commitment to address every instance of misbehavior. Both parents should be on board with the plan.
Many families use a time-out for addressing negative behaviors, particularly aggressive ones like hitting or kicking, though Woolford advised that parents implement the time-out in a way that functions more like a reset rather than isolating the child in their room, and keep the child where you can see them. In my house, the big blue recliner in the living room became “the relaxing chair,” and my kids would sit in it until they calmed down enough that they were able to stop hitting or throwing things. Sometimes I sat with them in the chair, holding them there.
Setting expectations beforehand can also prevent meltdowns and conflicts. If you’re taking children into a store, for example, you might want to let them know that you’re going to purchase only the things on your list or remind them not to touch anything you aren’t going to buy.
When a child is upset, it’s helpful if the parent can stay calm. You can validate your child’s feelings — “I know you’re angry because you want to buy the candy” — and acknowledge that they are struggling without caving to their demand.
Consistency Is Key
The Mott Poll found that parents faced a number of obstacles when it came to being consistent with discipline. “About a quarter of parents said that sometimes they’re not consistent because they get too irritated by a child’s behavior or that they react before thinking,” Woolford said. Twenty-four percent said they felt too tired to be consistent with discipline.
Notably, 13% of parents said they hadn’t thought about a discipline strategy. Not having a plan in place increases the odds that parents will resort to a threat or a bribe during a stressful moment.
A number of parents (42%) also admitted to sometimes spanking their children, which experts recommend against, Woolford said, as it has been associated with aggressive behavior and depression as children get older.
About a third of parents, Woolford said, reported problems being consistent with discipline because they worried about what others would think of them when they saw their child having a tantrum in a public place.
“Parents would be surprised how many others could identify with that and really would express empathy as support rather than criticism,” she said, noting, again, that if a parent caves to a child’s demands in order to get them to quiet down, then the child will learn that the way to get what they want is to throw a tantrum.
Overall, Woolford said, parents “don’t need to worry as much about children misbehaving in public, and they should not allow — if possible — a concern about kids misbehaving in public to stop them from being consistent.”
Though a threat or a bribe might stop a tantrum, Woolford explained that there might be other ways to give children what they’re looking for, which is often attention or control.
“Often there’s so much going on that [a threat or bribe] seems like the fastest way to address the situation, and maybe it would be helpful if one could take a moment to give the child a moment’s attention,” she said. Because the child “is ratcheting it up to get the attention,” sometimes giving them that attention, without acquiescing to their demand, can help de-escalate the situation: “I see you’re really upset. I know you want to buy the candy. We’re not buying any candy today.”
Another strategy is to offer kids a limited choice. It can help them feel a sense of control if, for example, they get to choose pretzels or apple slices for a snack, or whether they want to hold Mommy’s hand or sit in the stroller as you walk back to your car.
