5 things you’re probably doing wrong in the bedroom – and how to fix it
Nobody wants to be told they’re bad in bed. It’s surely one of the most crippling comments a person can receive: you know that thing that dominates the discourse, dictates and disrupts power dynamics, and is basically tantamount to our survival as social human beings? Yeah, you’re just not very good at it and should probably stop trying. Sorry.
Of course, as anyone who’s paused to consider what sex actually means will know, there is no such thing as someone being bad in bed. There’s only bad sexual chemistry between two people who, in all likelihood, either aren’t sexually compatible, or good enough at communicating with each other. But the good news is that these are things you can (and should) work on before giving up altogether.
It’s important to bear this in mind when thinking about what constitutes good sex. Because despite what classic romcoms and Nineties teen films would have us believe, no one person can be a sex god. It just doesn’t work that way, folks. Because sex is an exchange between two bodies, learning how they work together. If you think otherwise, it’s advisable to keep reading.
Without further ado, here are the most common things most people are doing wrong in the bedroom and how you can correct them.
Being elsewhere
It’s a simple fault but one that is increasingly common in today’s hyper-digital world, where smartphones and social media serve as constant distractions to what’s going on right in front of us. That includes sex.
“We might be distracted, overworked, stressed or thinking about our to-do lists, or we might be experiencing other things like anxiety, self-consciousness or insecurity,” says psychotherapist Eloise Skinner. “Whatever the cause, taking our attention out of the present moment can often be a barrier to experiencing pleasure with our partner. Since the feeling of pleasure is a present-moment experience, bringing our mind fully into the moment can help us feel more and to a deeper level.”
Taking our attention out of the present moment can often be a barrier to experiencing pleasure with our partner
Eloise Skinner, psychotherapist
In other words, the more distracted you are, the less in tune with your body you’ll be, defying the entire point of sexual intimacy. “To bring our mind into the present moment during sex, we can try focusing on physical sensations, which can usually bring us out of our head and back into our body,” suggests Skinner.
Staying silent
Communicating is something you’ll hear over and over again when it comes to conversations around good sex. That’s because it matters; saying what you want – and how you want it – is crucial, regardless of how much easier it might seem to stay quiet in the hope that your partner will simply sense what it is you want. “Mind-blowing sex without communicating is a bit of a Hollywood trope,” explains sex therapist Leigh Norén. “Romcoms and dramas often showcase good sex ‘just happening’ and promote the idea that if we’re meant to be, we shouldn’t have to communicate about sex in order to have satisfying and pleasurable sex.”
This fosters a culture of silence in sex. “We believe that we should know what the other person wants and likes and know exactly how to deliver the goods, without direction or talking,” adds Norén. “Even if this sometimes might be true – sex for the first time with our partner might feel magical and exciting – for most of us, this isn’t really the case.”
Sexual literacy is complex, particularly if you’re still working out what it is you do and don’t like. Remember it can be non-verbal – and it doesn’t have to be a sit-down fireside chat about your respective desires, either. It can happen while you’re actually in the moment. “It could be expressed through shared understandings of physical gestures, body language, or particular words that help your partner understand what you're feeling and experiencing,” says Skinner. “Remember that communication is also always a two-way process, so checking in with your partner about how they like to communicate can help you to elevate shared pleasure.”
Avoiding creativity out of shame
With long-term partners, it can be easy to stick to the same sexual routines. You know which positions work and fully understand the nuances of one another’s bodies. But this can quickly get boring for one or both of you – and because of the amount of shame we attach to sexuality, it can feel stifling to pull yourself out of a plateau and experiment with new things. “It can be easy to forget that there might be more ways to experience pleasure that we've never tried yet, so it helps to think creatively,” says Skinner. “You can find inspiration through external sources (films, books, shared experiences, etc), or by sitting down with your partner to ask them about their fantasies and explore different ideas together.”
All this is important because predictability and bad sex pretty much go hand in hand. You need to maintain that element of excitement and spontaneity to really ensure you’re both still enjoying yourselves. “Little changes can make a big difference, and trying something new can bring that electric spark right back,” adds Annabelle Knight, relationships coach and sex expert at Lovehoney, who advises thinking of sex with a more playful mindset. “Maybe introduce a sex toy into the mix,” she adds. “Toys can help you both explore new sensations and keep things fresh. Plus, they’re great for sharing a laugh and breaking up the routine.”
Taking it too seriously
This tends to be more of an issue in the earlier stages of sleeping with someone new. Before you’re comfortable with one another, it can be easy to slip into the mistake of taking sexual intimacy a little too seriously. Not only will this lead to other issues (like not being able to communicate openly) but it will also just take away from the fun of sex.
“Sex isn’t supposed to be a performance, but so many people fall into that trap,” says Knight. From worrying about how you look to feeling pressure to achieve an orgasm, all that seriousness can kill the mood. Let it go! Laugh when things get awkward, embrace the playfulness, and remember it’s about fun and the connection you create with your partner, not perfection.
Neglecting emotional intimacy
For whatever reason, we’ve been conditioned to think of sex as a purely physical act, one that takes place in the bedroom and no longer exists outside of those four walls. It goes without saying that this is a deeply archaic, restrictive way to think about sex and sexuality. It also hinders us from cultivating the emotional intimacy we need to feel safe and secure with our sexual partner.
And even while some people might feel they don’t need an emotional connection with someone to have good sex with them, it’s rare that both partners feel this way. “Most couples are a mix of both,” says sex and intimacy coach, Victoria Rusnac. “No matter where you fall, emotional intimacy is the key to keeping things passionate in the bedroom.”
The best way to do this is to find simple rituals that help to strengthen your emotional ties to one another. “It could be as small as starting your day with a 30-second hug and sharing one thing you love about each other or setting aside time each month to check in on your relationship and talk about ways to make it even better,” adds Rusnac.
Other suggestions include pencilling in weekly date nights, cooking meals together, and simply finding ways to invest in one another that don’t involve anything explicitly sexual. It will make an enormous difference, one that will, erm, come faster than you think.
