There Are Some Telltale Signs You're In An Unhealthy Friendship, According To Therapists
There are few feelings better than finding a kindred spirit in a friend—someone who can be a joyful escape during challenging times, help you step outside your comfort zone, and provide an overarching feeling of love and support as you navigate life. But not all friendships are gems; there are also the “friends” who make you second-guess yourself, belittle your accomplishments, and generally bring negative energy to your life. If a friendship starts to bring more stress than joy into your life, it might be a sign that the relationship has turned toxic.
Although they might appear in different ways, a toxic friendship can be just as damaging as a toxic relationship with a romantic partner, "especially if it's someone you've grown up with, trusted, and built that rapport with, as opposed to someone you dated for a few months," says Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription To Happiness. While no two toxic friendships (or relationships) are the same, one of the biggest commonalities is that you’ll feel emotional distress when interacting with, leaving, or even thinking about the person. That distress can manifest in many forms, including sadness, anxiousness, worry, stress, guilt, and shame, says Lombardo.
Oftentimes, a toxic friendship won’t feel unhealthy at first. Like romantic relationships, friendships also have "honeymoon” phases. "We tend to be on our better behavior when we start a relationship with someone, but then we begin to get more comfortable," Lombardo says. Thus, your friend’s behavior will likely worsen if you don’t address any unhealthy behavior early on. Think about it this way: "We teach people how we want to be treated, so if we let them continue to get away with [toxic behaviors], they're going to think that's okay," says Lombardo.
A toxic friendship can sneak up on people because the signs are often subtle. But, it's important to evaluate when a friendship is doing more harm than good—and figure out whether it’s time to have a big conversation, or just cut ties.
No two toxic friendships are the same, but there are signs that should ring some alarm bells.
Friendships naturally have their ups and downs, with occasional disagreements and reconciliations. "But if it's heavier on the distress side as opposed to the happiness, that's an indicator that you might want to look at [your relationship]," Lombardo says. For example, maybe you get a sinking negative feeling whenever you’re in contact with them. Or worse: you might get "an increase in anxiety, headaches, or stomach disturbance when you're with them," Lombardo adds.
Being around toxic friends tends to feel "draining," or even "like a chore," says clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior, PhD, author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing, and Keeping Up With Your Friends. For example, if you dread returning someone's call or wish you could avoid plans, that friendship may not be right for you.
Additionally, trust is the foundation of any solid relationship, so if you don't believe that a friend has your best interests in mind, "that's often a sign that something's not working," Bonior says. You might be able to gauge whether someone is trustworthy based on how they speak about their other friends. As humans, it's natural to talk about people behind their backs at some points, but there are nuances. For example, "It's one thing for some friends to be like, 'You know, I really don't like that guy Shelly's dating. He seems like a jerk, and I'm concerned about it,'" Bonior explains. "Once it launches into 'Oh my god, Shelly always dates the dumbest guys,' and [they're] kind of laughing about it and making fun of her—that really veers into cruelty."
This also applies to competing with friends—it can be hard to overcome the urge to compare yourself to a friend, especially if you happen to be in the same field or have kids at the same time, Bonior says. "But at the end of the day, you should still have good feelings toward your friend and want what's best for them overall," she adds. It's normal to feel jealous from time to time, but if you feel like you're in "a constant fight that you want to win over and over again," she says, you may not be in the healthiest friendship.
A toxic friend also has a knack for spreading their toxicity to others, according to Bonior. "When you're with that person, they bring out behaviors in you that aren't your best," she says. Maybe you're drinking too much, gossiping, or being passive-aggressive with them when you normally pride yourself on your communication skills. Or, when you're out together at a restaurant, "the person makes a lot of trouble, embarrasses you, demands things that you don't think are reasonable, and sort of drags you along," adds clinical psychologist Jill Squyres Groubert, PhD. And the cherry on top: you find yourself making excuses for their bad behavior.
Lastly, how someone responds to conflict is also a clear indicator of their ability to be a healthy friend. Instead of providing support, toxic friends are all about gaslighting behaviors, says clinical psychologist Erin Miers, PsyD. "They lie or misrepresent information to create confusion and stress. They do this intentionally to mess you up and mess with your head," she explains. For instance, they might make up a fake narrative to avoid responsibility for their actions, blame you for their shortcomings or mistakes, or create general chaos and stress in your life without considering how their actions impact you. Meanwhile, a real friend takes responsibility for their actions and apologizes (sincerely!) if they cause distress or stress.
Staying in these friendships can hurt your mental health and self-esteem.
In general, being in a toxic friendship can do a real number on your mental health. "Toxic relationships put our bodies into high-stress mode," says Miers. "The stress of navigating unpredictable or negative situations creates an atmosphere of dread and discomfort." And once you begin showing signs of anxiety or depression, those feelings can seep into many other facets of well-being, including physical health, spiritual health, work, and daily functioning, Lombardo adds. Whether it's disrupting your sleep schedule or combatting that constant feeling of butterflies in your stomach (and not the good butterflies!), a toxic relationship’s effects on your mental health can be far-reaching.
Additionally, "in a toxic friendship, the person criticizes you, uses your failures against you, or makes you feel bad about yourself," Miers says. "This isn't just teasing in fun; this is the kind of talk that puts you down... in a way that makes you question yourself," she says, which can ultimately damage your self-esteem.
And once your self-worth begins crumbling, it can be challenging to break out of the negative thoughts, Lombardo says. Whether it's a screaming Inside Out-type voice or quiet background music, everyone has an inner critic. "When we're in a toxic relationship, that inner critic tends to get louder and we start to hear either what that other person is overtly saying to us or what we think they mean by their behaviors."
For example, if a friend is consistently late to plans with you, you might begin believing your time is less valuable than theirs, or that you don’t deserve to be someone’s priority. Or if they constantly make fun of your style, home, or body, you might be left swimming in self-doubt even when they aren't around. The longer you endure their toxic behavior and criticism, the stronger that belief becomes, and subsequently, the harder it may become to rebuild your confidence.
There are a few ways to cut ties with a toxic friend, according to psychologists.
If you're unsure whether to end the friendship, Squyres Groubert suggests talking to other people to get a "reality check" on the relationship. An outsider's opinion can draw your attention to red flags you didn't notice or have brushed under the rug. But, now it's confirmed by outside sources you trust: your friend is toxic.
When navigating a friendship breakup, Bonior says being direct in your intentions is key. "Nobody wants to do this— it's totally awkward—but sometimes... you just have to be clear," she says. She recommends saying something neutral yet firm, such as: "Hey, I know you've noticed that I haven't been able to spend as much time with you lately. To be honest, my life's moving in a different direction. I value the friendship that we've had, but I just don't see being able to spend as much time together."
Best case scenario, they accept your decision. "But in a really toxic relationship, all bets are off," Bonior says. "The person could start a huge argument, and when that's the case, all you owe to that person is just [to] be clear about what you're doing. You can be respectful, but you gotta be firm." For example, if it begins escalating and upsetting you and you're ready to cut ties completely, all you have to say is, "This discussion is upsetting to me. I've told you where I stand. I'm not going to be able to spend much time with you in the future. I am not going to be in touch."
At that point, you have the right to cut the toxic friend off, say Bonior and Squyres Groubert. "You can't have a constructive conversation with this person, so the ordinary rules of engagement no longer apply," Squyres Groubert says. "You just need to exit as gracefully as you can and realize that's your answer."
If you think the friendship's salvageable, you can try setting new boundaries—but it's important to know when to cut your losses.
Sometimes, a friendship holds so much weight that even though they've displayed toxic behaviors, you might be willing to work to mend the relationship to avoid losing them altogether. Maybe their behavior really feels linked to something they’re going through, or you think it’s an issue they could fix with a little therapy and time. If you think the friendship is salvageable, Squyres Groubert recommends attempting to set limits and boundaries. For example, if a friend consistently monopolizes conversations when you talk on the phone, protect your peace by telling them you need to hang up, or telling them directly that you want to share about your life, too.
Rather than talking around the subject, Lombardo encourages having an assertive conversation—but make sure it's at the right time. She recommends scheduling a conversation when you're both in a good headspace, rather than in the middle of a heated moment.
Then, once you find the perfect time, stay away from extremes and instead focus on the positives and what you want to see change in the friendship as you're giving constructive feedback, says Lombardo. For example, you might try saying something like, "I know you're a really caring person. I love how much you care about me and my life, but I don't appreciate it when you show up late all of the time because it hurts my feelings.”
The key, per Lombardo: stay consistent and firm in whatever boundaries you set, and be sure to enforce your boundaries as often as you need to.
It's also important to ask them what they think, in order to create a space for open dialogue. "But if they're looking at you like that was the craziest thing in the world and none of [your feelings are] true, then that may be an indicator that this friendship isn't salvageable," Lombardo says.
And if that's the case, that's okay. "Because staying in a relationship that's toxic to you can't be that healthy for the other person, either," Lombardo says. So, the best thing you can do for both of you is stop enabling the venomous energy.
Meet the Experts:
Andrea Bonior, PhD, is a clinical psychologist based in the Washington, DC area and the author of three mental health books, including The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing, and Keeping Up With Your Friends. Erin Miers, PsyD, a is a clinical psychologist and an Instructor in Psychiatry at Dartmouth Geisel School of Medicine. Jill Squyres Groubert, PhD, is a clinical psychologist based in Arvada, Colorado and the author of 8-Week Couples Therapy Workbook. Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and the author of three mental health books, including A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription To Happiness.
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