Six tips for helping your children navigate divorce at Christmas

Jess Bacon
·Contributor
Updated ·5 min read
Young woman sitting with her son sitting on sofa with Christmas tree in background. Mother and son sit closely on the sofa, with the Christmas tree softly glowing behind them, highlighting a warm family moment in their festive holiday home.
There are many ways to support your child during their first Christmas after a divorce or separation to still make it an enjoyable and relaxing time. (Getty Images)

For children of recently-divorced, or separated, parents, Christmas can be a difficult time. Seeing how 42% of marriages end in divorce and 48% of those involve at least one child, learning how to navigate new traditions isn't uncommon.

It's a change that Fearne Cotton will be facing after the podcast host announced the breakdown of her marriage to Jesse Wood on Friday. The presenter, 43, who has been married to Wood since 2014, wrote on social media: "It is with a heavy heart that I let you all know that Jesse and I are ending our marriage. Our priority has been, and will always be, our children. We please ask that you respect the privacy of our family at this time."

The couple have two children together, Rex, 11 and Honey, nine, and Cotton was also a step-mum to Wood’s two children from a previous relationship: Arthur, 22 and Lola, 19.

Divorce can have a major impact on your child or children’s mood and wellbeing and it can help to make them feel heard and supported during this big change, especially at Christmas. Relationships coach Sarah Louise Ryan says: "The first Christmas after a divorce announcement or separation is often hardest on children as they have to accept a new reality and this comes with unknown outcomes.

"Younger children who are still figuring out their emotions might need to get through the first Christmas to see how that new reality looks practically. Also, they may have to split the day and have time apart from one partner or another, which is quite difficult to handle."

Part of the anxiety about this ‘new normal’ will be the unknown, as children don’t know what to expect in the new family dynamic and traditions.

Try to sit with them in their emotions and make sure you have support in place too, as no two days are the same and it’s the 'first' time you’re experiencing this too, not just your kids.

Ryan shares her best advice to help support your children if they are struggling with the changes this Christmas.

Encourage your children to come directly to you and share their thoughts, fears and worries about their plans over the festive season. "Divorce affects different children in different ways," Ryan begins. "The best way to navigate the emotions of your children is to explore their thoughts, feelings and opinions so you can better understand your children as individuals holistically."

Even if you have young children, invite them to be part of the decision making process so they can feel more involved and in control of the situation. They might ask to spend half the day with one parent and the other half with another, or spending one full day with one parent and doing a ‘second Christmas’ with the other.

"Be open to asking questions and let the children lead the way with what will make them feel safest and most secure on a day that often matters most to them," Ryan continues. "Find a way between yourself and your ex partner to create an environment that is closest to what the children want, at least in the first year."

Sad girl and her father on a New Year’s Eve consoling.
Be open to your child's ideas for what will make Christmas work best for them. (Getty Images)

Try to be open and curious with your children to encourage them so they feel comfortable to share their feelings without judgement. Ryan says it can build a "friendship dynamic" so they feel secure enough to share their concerns openly with you.

"When we are curious with others, it lowers the cortisol in our bodies," Ryan says, "So, if there is a lot of tension in the co-parenting setup, then look at how you can be more curious with your children."

This Christmas will be different than it normally is, but there’s no right or wrong way to do the first Christmas after a divorce. Release some of that pressure from both yourself and your children to have a 'perfect' Christmas and approach it more as a process of "trial and error."

"Let them know you are going to trial and error a new setup and chat with them afterwards about how it felt for them at Christmas," Ryan adds. "That way, you can work with the children to tweak it in future Christmases."

Festive stress gets the better of us all sometimes, but try to make the household a calm and secure environment for your children this Christmas. Ryan says: "Remember that divorce hits children quite hard, no matter their age. Whilst it won’t be easy on you too and you must take care of yourself too, try to keep the children away from conflict to keep the peace at this tricky time."

View this Christmas as a chance to start new traditions and reinvent some of the old ones. Ryan encourages for this to be a collaborative process with your children so they can decide what they want to keep and what new things they want to try this Christmas.

"This could be something like going for a morning walk, making brunch time hot chocolates, leaving presents til the evening time to keep the excitement building throughout the day," Ryan continues.

"You might even create a jar where everyone puts their fun-filled wants for new traditions at Christmas on post- it notes and you all read them out on Christmas Eve to see what Christmas Day will have in store."

This playful approach will help them feel more at ease and excited about the possibility of a different Christmas.

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