This Woman Is Wondering If She's Being Irrational For Putting Her Dog Before Her Boyfriend's Daughter, And IDK About You, But I Say Keep The Dog
Admittedly, I never understood the type of love a person could have for their fur baby until my family got a dog. I get it now, and obsession is an understatement.
So, when I read this OP's story in the AITA subreddit about not wanting to rehome their dog due to their fiance's request, I saw red. Here's the full story:
They wrote, "AITA for refusing to give up my dog for my fiancé’s allergic daughter? I (34F) have a golden retriever, Max. He’s been with me for seven years and is more than a pet — he’s family. My fiancé, Tim (37M), recently moved in with his 9-year-old daughter, Emily. Emily is severely allergic to dogs. Not the 'take a Benadryl, and you’re fine' kind — she breaks out in hives and has serious breathing issues."
"Tim knew I had Max from the start, and when we were dating, he swore it wouldn’t be a problem because they didn’t live with me. But now that they’ve moved in, it’s a constant issue. Emily’s allergy flares up every time she’s here, and now Tim’s demanding I rehome Max 'for her safety,'" the OP wrote.
The OP continued by writing, "I’ve suggested every compromise I can think of keeping Max out of her room, constant deep cleaning, investing in air purifiers, even boarding Max part-time when Emily is over. But none of it is good enough. Tim says I need to 'put Emily first' and get rid of Max completely. He also made it clear that if I don’t, we might need to rethink the wedding. I told him flat-out that I was not rehoming Max."
"I love Tim and Emily, but Max is family, and I’m not dumping him like an old piece of furniture. Tim says I’m selfish and 'not ready to be a stepmom.' His family has piled on, saying I’m prioritizing a dog over a child, and now I’m the villain of the week. My friends are split — some agree with me, others think I’m being heartless," the OP added.
Before we continue, I have a few questions to ask you all.
Holy cannoli, I know what I'm thinking (dump the guy and keep Max), but let me leave it to the commenters to express their thoughts. Here is what some said:
This person made an excellent point.
"Y'all were both kind of delusional to think this wouldn't be an issue, tbh. Would you date someone with a kid if you were staunchly child-free? No (unless you're either an idiot or cruel), you'd find someone that matches your life. There was never going to be a happy compromise when her allergies were that bad. You both should have known that. You both should be rethinking marriage as you aren't compatible. Your dog is family to you, and as it isn't fair for his daughter to suffer, it isn't fair for you to have to give your dog up.
That's where you are now: either she's gonna suffer because of allergies, which means he's gonna suffer, and in turn you will, or you give your dog up and resent him and her for it, in turn leading to suffering, or you break up, which in turn, you guessed it, leads to suffering. Y'all really should have thought this through. So NTA for not wanting to give up your dog, but ESH (minus daughter and dog) on the whole for getting yourselves in this mess."
And I wholeheartedly agree with this commenter.
"NTA. I agree with Tim. It is time to rethink the wedding. He is not putting his child first over your dog. He is putting his child first over you. As a father, he is entitled to do that. He is not entitled to the 'my way or the highway' act. As a partner, you can evaluate if that is the life you want in a marriage. The other way to look at this is to remove the conflict from the picture and look at his actions. He moved into your home. Now, he is unilaterally making demands. That is a red flag."
This person gave some tough love.
"ESH (everybody sucks here). WTF did the two of you think was going to happen? Did you plan out anything at all? Why would you date, let alone get engaged to, a man with a daughter who's severely allergic to your furry 'family member'? Why would he date and get engaged to a woman with a dog while his child is severely allergic? Did the two of you even discuss this at any time during your relationship? Like, at all?
Also, you thinking this can be solved by all those 'compromises' you mentioned is at least naive, possibly delusional. That girl can not be around a dog, period. The two are mutually exclusive.
Same for him thinking you can just give up the dog; delusional. Pick the dog, and learn to think about who you date (and even get engaged to, wtf) next time."
Lastly, this person thinks it's a lose-lose situation either way.
"ESH for not breaking up. He got his family to go after you, but you also need to get real about the situation. Either your dog goes, or your fiancé goes. There’s no way to compromise on this because his daughter’s health is at risk. This is an irreconcilable difference, and the two of you need to stop pushing the other to concede and just break up.
I know that’s dramatic, but I don’t see another option. They could move out until Max dies, but that still means you can’t EVER have a dog again. Your stepdaughter won’t just disappear after she turns 18. She might live at home through college or stay for long vacations. What if she has kids who are allergic? Will you effectively just ban them from your house by having a dog? Would your fiancé be okay with that? Are you fine with never having a dog again?
I get how much you love Max, and if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t give him away either. But I would also break up with my fiancé. It’s not fair for you to expect him to be ok with his daughter’s suffering. It’s not fair for him to expect you to dump your dog and not have any resentment or sadness about it. I couldn’t be with someone after they made me give up my pet. I think the resentment would just eat away at my feelings for them. Maybe you could move on, but situations like these rarely work out long-term."
