I struggled with infertility for years, and Christmas time was a nightmare. Here's what I wish I knew

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I pressed my hands into the cool hard counter top as forcefully as I could, the tears still stinging my eyes and the lump in my throat so big it felt like I had swallowed rocks. The four walls of the dark powder room had become my sanctuary during family gatherings and holiday dinners. I wished the walls would swallow me whole so I wouldn't have to steady myself again and walk back out to the smiling faces buzzing with holiday cheer.

"They have no idea. How could they?" I reminded myself again and again. A string of "How come you guys don’t have a few of your own?", "What's the hold up, kids?" or even the dreaded "I noticed you're not drinking," followed by a big wink wink played like a broken record in my mind.

I spent three years of holidays and family dinners finding solace in that powder room — actually, multiple powder rooms, bedrooms, basements: Wherever I could stow away and haphazardly pull myself together enough to face the barrage of unwelcome, personal and loaded questions. I know I'm not alone in this.

The thing is, I don't blame those well-meaning family members, friends or even acquaintances. We have been conditioned to ask follow-up questions to wedding announcements or engagements with "So… how many kids are you thinking?"

I, myself, was taught the exact same thing. And with hindsight being 20/20, I am positive I have unwittingly and jovially asked these seemingly innocent questions to those who may have been in a season of struggle.

Emotions running high

I naively thought I would be pregnant on our honeymoon in the south of France. I had walked the path. I had checked the boxes "correctly" — I had the engagement, the wedding, we had been safe for years and I had diligently monitored my cycle.

The little information I gleaned from the public school sex education system had taken me this far, but as the months rolled past, the waves of expectancy and hope started to dwindle and I got my first referral to a fertility clinic.

From there, the testing, cycle monitoring, drugs, hormones, supplements and heartbreaking test results applied pressure to my personal level of resiliency, and my new marriage. I felt broken and increasingly more desperate as the time ticked by.

Emotions were delicate and constantly running high, in both myself and my husband. I sought out a therapist who focused on infertility and grief to help me untangle my overwhelming despair and provide me with steps to cope as we forged ahead.

After a failed IUI attempt, and almost three years of struggle, we decided to try IVF. After finishing the introductory four-hour seminar we were about to sign the papers and pay our deposit when I found out I was pregnant.

I realize the ending of my story is a happy one, and that’s not the case for everyone walking this road.

How to set boundaries and choose yourself

This story, in all of its shades, is not exclusively mine. According to the World Health Organization, approximately 1 in 6 people around the world experience infertility.

For those in a trying season, infertility and grief counsellor Chiemi Rajamahendran shared some insight and tangible tips for protecting your peace and navigating the emotional, murky waters of get-togethers during the holidays.

"First and foremost, honour what you've been through and what healing might look like right now," she told Yahoo Canada.

"We have to give ourselves permission to take space, comfort and heal in the way that feels best to us." This can mean honouring our capacity, even if that feels smaller this season.

"We might be able to attend but with smaller 'doses' and with more specifics. For example, you attend Christmas Day events after all the kids have opened the gifts. Or perhaps go for dinner with everyone but leave early," Rajamahendran advised.

"Healing is exhausting and reminding ourselves that our physical and emotional bandwidth will be smaller at the moment, is compassionate and necessary."

Rajamahendran also suggested checking in with yourself daily. "Listen to your daily capacity. Just because other people are asking or inviting you to social events, don't feel the need to get back to them right away. Let people know you are a last minute decision. We can't expect ourselves to know how we will feel or if our needs will change."

Rajamahendran assured it's OK for people to miss you, adding you can be kind and protect your peace too. If there is an event or gathering you do not feel up to attending, Rajamahendran suggested you could say: "Thank you so much for thinking of us. We wish we could be there with everyone this year. This day means so much to us and we always look forward to it. We are not able to join this year but will reach out when we can. Sending you so much love."

Feelings of envy are normal: Expert

If social media is something that is bringing up feelings of overwhelm and emotional activation, Rajamahendran highly recommended taking a pause. "Most don't have a hard time with the pausing or unfollowing accounts, they have a harder time with the critical voice that likes to make them feel guilty, or worse, like something is wrong with this emotion," she explained.

"Remind yourself that the feelings of envy, jealousy and being triggered are human and are never personal. Noticing who and what brings that up for us allows us to set boundaries. Giving ourselves permission to add those without feeling guilty is such a loving and compassionate thing to do."

If this list itself is overwhelming, the most important takeaway to hold tight in those difficult moments."You are not alone today… Be gentle. Be restful in your choices and soft on your heart," Rajamahendran shared

Even if you have to write this in the notes of your phone, in case you find yourself in your own powder-room-sanity-saving situation, you can lean on these words as a reminder this holiday season.

You are not alone, and if you're struggling there are people who can help. To Write Love on Her Arms has a list of self-care resources and a 24-hour helpline.

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