‘Misconceptions have serious consequences’: The distinctions between BDSM and abuse

Few sexual proclivities are as complex or pathologised as BDSM. For a long time, the practice, which stands for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, has been seen as the dark and torturous core of the carnal underworld. It’s synonymous with trauma, both physiological and psychological. Say “BDSM” to most people and they’ll instantly picture Christian Grey, the smouldering, sado-obsessed protagonist in EL James’s comically terrible Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, whose interest in the practice is linked to his own childhood abuse.

This isn’t just a limited view. It’s one that perpetuates damaging myths about a community of people that has warped our understanding of what BDSM actually entails, and what it looks like when it’s carried out safely and consensually.

All this has come under the spotlight in the last month in light of allegations against Neil Gaiman. The American Gods author, 64, was the subject of a New York magazine article published on 13 January that featured interviews with eight women who accused him of sexual assault. Gaiman responded to the claims the following day, denying having ever engaged in “non-consensual sexual activity” with anyone. He added that after having gone back over messages with the women featured in the article, he interpreted them as “two people enjoying entirely consensual sexual relationships and wanting to see one another again”.

The magazine article followed a podcast released in July last year by Tortoise that covered allegations against Gaiman made by five women, four of whom spoke to New York. At the time, the author’s representatives told Tortoise that “sexual degradation, bondage, domination, sadism and masochism may not be to everyone’s taste, but between consenting adults, BDSM is lawful”.

The allegations have sparked a number of important conversations around BDSM and what distinguishes it from abusive behaviour, highlighting just how poorly understood the practice still is today. “BDSM is a form of play that happens between two consenting adults that centres around power dynamics and power exchange in a consensual way,” explains Gigi Engle, certified sex therapist and educator. Typically, a BDSM dynamic means that there is a dominant partner and a submissive partner. “They are both entering into a situation where the dom is taking power from the sub that is willingly given with consent.”

This dynamic can manifest in myriad ways and include numerous sexual acts involving pain, restraint, punishment, role play, and breath play. “It could also involve being tied up, impact play, degradation, and slave-master dynamics, to name a few other activities,” says sex educator Shakira Scott, who goes by Scotty Unfamous online.

There’s often a misconception that in order to carry out BDSM, the power is exclusively in one person’s hands. “It is regularly mistaken that the sub has no power within the situation,” adds Engle. “The sub and dom both have equal power in the situation and are both entering into this dynamic willingly and within a very boundaried context that has been negotiated beforehand.”

More people are doing this, or at least considering it, than you might think: according to one study published in the Annual Review of Sex Research in 2019, BDSM fantasies were common in both men and women, at 40 and 70 per cent, respectively, while 20 per cent reported actually engaging in BDSM. On Feeld, the sex positive dating app that enables users to list specific kinks on their profiles, it regularly ranks as the most common area of exploration across all gender identities, with 42 per cent including it as one of their listed kinks.

But perhaps too few people are going into these dynamics without fully understanding the nuances around them. “You cannot give consent to something that you do not understand,” says Engle. “The same is true if you feel like you have to otherwise you could lose something, and so you can't revoke your consent because you’re afraid of repercussions. That is not consent, that’s coercion. And that is not ethical BDSM. That’s abuse.”

Gigi Engle, certified sex therapist and educator

Making the distinction can be complex to those who aren’t familiar with BDSM, particularly when you consider the concept of “non-consensual consent”, which, while paradoxical in its phrasing, is something some people in the BDSM community practice. “It refers to scenarios where participants pre-negotiate dynamics that simulate non-consent, but these are intricately planned with explicit limits, safewords, and ongoing communication,” explains Barbara Santini, psychologist and relationships adviser. “Far from being chaotic or harmful, these interactions are structured to provide emotional and physical safety while allowing participants to explore complex dynamics in a controlled environment,” she adds. “This distinction is often lost in broader discourse, making it vital to clarify how abuse betrays consent, while BDSM protects and honours it. Consensual kink is not the same as violence.”

Of course, non-consensual consent is an incredibly nuanced part of BDSM and not everyone recognises the terminology, which can be misleading for obvious reasons. “In my professional opinion, the term is a misnomer,” says Ieva Kubiliute, psychologist and relationship expert. “While some BDSM subcultures might explore scenarios involving an element of surprise or a perceived surrender of control, this surrender must itself be pre-negotiated. It’s a carefully constructed illusion within a consensual framework. Any activity that occurs outside the previously agreed-upon boundaries, regardless of prior expressions of a desire for surprise or a loss of control, unequivocally crosses the line into abuse.”

Another key facet of BDSM that distinguishes it from abuse is the presence of safe words and actions to indicate when one partner wants to stop whatever they’re doing or enacting. This process differs between partners but many follow a traffic light system. “Red means stop, yellow means all play is paused and a discussion may take place (or they could just need to take a break), and green means they are happy with what is happening,” explains Scott. “Other safe words are more unique and generally do not include the word ‘stop’ as that could be considered part of play.” Scott points to one popular – and often parodied – example being “pineapples”, as taken from one of Kevin Hart’s stand-up routines.

Then there’s also the concept of aftercare, which is the process of physical and emotional caretaking that occurs after any BDSM activity. It varies between couples but can include anything from providing your partner with snacks to having a discussion about what just happened between them. It’s a way of bringing both parties back into the present moment and making sure everyone is feeling happy and OK with what has just happened. Again, abuse plays no part in any of this. “However, abusive individuals can exploit the power dynamics in BDSM to justify or disguise their behaviour,” explains Annabelle Knight, sex and relationships expert and coach. “This can include withholding aftercare and manipulating the dom-sub roles in non-consensual ways.”

Abusers may also gaslight partners who are new to the practice into thinking that discomfort, physical or otherwise, during BDSM is “normal”. “It is common for abusers to weaponise BDSM to enact violence or bypass consent with their partners,” adds Scott, who regularly runs workshops on sex and sexuality in London. “I’ve had many people in my workshops discuss things from being non-consensually choked or struck by people they have been intimate with and worse. These things are very distressing because they weren’t given the option of whether they wanted them to happen.”

It goes without saying how imperative it is to be fully cognisant of all this before engaging in any kind of BDSM sexual activity. Because as taboo as it may still seem to some, when performed and carried out safely and consensually, BDSM can be just another healthy expression of intimacy. If it’s something that interests you, though, experts suggest doing a bit of work first.

“You need to be taking classes or reading books about it, and actually understanding what it is, and exploring if this is something that you actually want to be doing,” says Engle. There should also be ample communication with your partner first about what each of you hopes to get out of this dynamic and what you’d like to explore together. During these conversations, says Engle, one thing is paramount: “Most importantly, you have to think if kink is something that actually interests you, or if you’re engaging with it because somebody is saying they want to and you feel obligated to indulge them.”