What 'Only Children' Bring Up The Most In Therapy
If you grew up as an only child, you’ve likely heard some of these stereotypical phrases at some point in your life: “That’s sad you grew up all alone.” “Your parents must’ve spoiled you.” “Do you have a hard time making friends?”
Yet recent research shows that many of these portrayals of only children are inaccurate. And even though the single-child family structure used to be a rarity, it’s now the fastest growing family unit in the United States. About 20% of households with children have one child, according to Pew Research Center.
Even though growing up without siblings is becoming more common, there’s still a long-lasting stigma around only children. We talked to therapists about the most common issues they hear only children bring up.
“Therapy can be a healthy space … to learn about themselves and how they interact with the world around them” as only children, Altheresa Clark, a licensed therapist and owner of Inspire4Purpose, told HuffPost.
Read on for what only children often talk about in therapy — and helpful tips for dealing with each issue.
They may yearn for a ‘sibling-like’ connection as an adult.
In therapy, adult only children sometimes share that they feel lonely because they come from a smaller family and don’t have any sibling relationships.
“They have fewer family members to rely on for support than someone who has multiple siblings,” explained Rebecca Greene, a mental health therapist and author of “One & Done: The Guide to Raising a Happy & Thriving Only Child.” “Holidays can be especially lonely for some only children because they often don’t have the big family gatherings that you see in movies and on TV.”
As adults, many only children will seek out close friendships that feel like family members to fill that void, Clark said.
“There’s a saying [that] if you don’t have family, then make your own family — and I believe this wholeheartedly,” she said. “In building your community, find friends, organizations and community work where you can find like-minded individuals who can provide support to you that feels like family.”
Additionally, it can be beneficial for only children to invite close friends to celebrate holidays and big milestones with them, Greene added.
“They can also help their own kids make close friends who are like first cousins,” she said.
They may feel solely responsible for their parents’ elder care.
“Many adult only children feel overwhelmed and stressed being the only person in their family to handle all the elder care responsibilities for their elderly parents,” Greene said.
If they live in the same area, this can include taking their parents to medical appointments, helping with meal preparation and assisting with financial management. It can be especially difficult when an only child lives far from their parents, Greene pointed out.
When possible, she recommends getting help with these types of responsibilities from geriatric care managers, social workers and companions for the elderly. She also emphasized the importance of planning ahead.
“Only children can talk with their parents as well as their own spouse or partner to discuss plans for their parents’ elder care ahead of time so that everyone is on the same page,” she said.
They may put pressure on themselves to be perfect.
Though having lots of attention from parents can lead to closer relationships with them, some only children may also feel like their every move is being watched.
“Only children can experience extreme pressure from their parents to excel in different areas of their lives that can lead to perfectionism or a type-A personality,” Clark said. “[This] can lead to living their lives in fear of disappointing people.”
Just understanding this association and having a safe space, such as therapy, to process these experiences can help only children not be as hard on themselves.
They may be very independent in relationships.
“Growing up as an only child can create a large sense of independence, which can be both a strength and a weakness,” said Priya Tahim, a licensed professional counselor and the founder of Kaur Counseling.
In terms of strengths, only children are often skilled at being self-reliant, entertaining themselves and feeling content in their own company,
“They are often take-charge kind of people who make great leaders and get things done in an innovative way,” Greene said. “However, others may sometimes view them as bossy or wanting to do things their way.”
Focusing on collaboration skills, such as clear communication, can help with this.
“One of the most effective ways to improve communication skills with others is to use ‘I’ statements,” Greene suggested. “This is a way of phrasing your feelings or needs that puts the emphasis on how you feel.”
In addition, Tahim suggests asking questions and listening to other people’s reasons for why they may have certain viewpoints.
They may feel misunderstood or judged for being an only child.
This is a common issue that only children bring up, particularly in support groups, Greene said.
“There is definitely still a stigma around being an only child because families with two to three children are still more of the norm in this country,” she said. “Having siblings is more of the typical family experience for most people.”
Further perpetuating these stereotypes, only children are often portrayed negatively in movies and TV shows, such as being spoiled, selfish and having poor social skills, Greene added.
“We need more positive portrayals that focus on the strengths and benefits of being an only child,” she said. “And we need for people to not judge only children just based on their lack of sibling status.”
If you’d like to connect with and seek support from other adults who grew up without siblings, Greene recommends joining support groups on Facebook for only children. (There are support groups available for parents of only children as well.)
“These have thousands of members and are a great place to ask questions, get resources and gain insights,” she said.
Therapy can also be an effective place to explore how your childhood is shaping who you are — no matter what your birth order is.
“Whether you are an only child, [oldest child], middle child or [youngest] child, there are pros and cons to each,” Tahim said. “It’s how we choose to grow, learn and adapt … that truly matters.”
