16 "Myths" About Having Kids Later In Life, According To Older Parents
We recently asked older parents of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the common myths and misconceptions about having kids later in life — and the actual realities of what it's like. Here's what they had to say:
1."People assume I regret being an older parent and that things just happened this way. I actually planned to be an older parent from my youth. I knew I didn't want to spend my 20s limiting my options in jobs, vacations, partners, etc., and a baby would be just a burden at that age — at least for me. I don't judge people who think it's the right time for them, but for me it wasn't."
"Right now, I'm exactly where I wanted to be in my younger years. I have a middle management position in an international company, good income, great benefits, work from home, and a 2-year-old. Sure, I don't have the same energy, but that's also motivated me to better care of my health, which I neglected in my 20s."
—Anonymous, Panama
2."That you will have a wealth of life experience and knowledge to draw from: Whatever I did in the first four decades of my life — including having a previous child — didn't prepare me for having a young son in my forties.
"My beautiful child is unique. My previous experience with other children didn't prepare me for my youngest because he is not like any kid. (Of course, let's state the obvious-no two kids are alike)."
—44, Minnesota
3."I grew up in a small town where most people marry young and have kids. The biggest misconception was that I was selfish for not wanting a child (our sweet boy was a wonderful surprise!). I ALWAYS knew having a child was a huge, life-changing decision, and one I wasn't going to do [unprepared]. I was 38 when my son was born, and not only am I NOT selfish, but I'm also such a better mom than I would've been 10 years ago. I have a great partner who's a wonderful dad, and I'm more financially secure than I was."
"Any sooner, and I'd say my opinion wouldn't be as magical and rainbow-filled as it is now. He has taught me to slow down, enjoy the moment (and know the tough moments don't last), and my goodness, I've laughed more in two years than I probably have in the last 20. He has completely changed my perspective on life and love."
—40, Tennessee
4."People always ask us if the kids are our grandchildren. We weren't able to have biological children, so we became foster parents first and were eventually able to adopt three of the children who were placed with us. The advantages we have are that we are older, and wiser and are more mindful of how our parenting affects our children. We don't feel the pressure to have them conform to any preconceived notions of how we expect them to grow up."
"We are free to let them be themselves and support them in their endeavors. The biggest challenge for us is dealing with childhood issues while managing our own age-related health issues."
—48, New Mexico
5."That you'll be too tired to play with your child. My husband and I both have older children from previous relationships. Though I adore my older children, I didn't appreciate how quickly they grew and savor every moment like we do with our toddler. My husband, who is 46, takes our 2-year-old to the park daily with the dogs after I go to work."
"He works from home and keeps him home three days a week. Since we are both more advanced in our careers, we have the extra cash to take him to bouncy play areas, have season passes to Sesame Place, and not stress about making ends meet. My biggest regret is not having him sooner so we could give him a sibling. Unfortunately, at 42, I doubt that'll happen!"
—NJ, USA
"Expectation: You'll be too tired and old. Reality: I understand and appreciate my body. I utilize my well-established relationships with medical professionals to keep me healthy. I know how to physically and mentally recover when I am zapped."
—43, Missouri
6."It doesn't help that I look quite young for my age, and I'm a successful, professional woman in a conservative community, but it's a constant: 'You put your career ahead of family.' They don't know that my husband and I struggled for 10 years to start a family due to unexplained infertility. I'd trade all of my success to have met my son sooner."
—40, Idaho
7."You are always older than your child's friend's parents. You struggle to fit in and be accepted by many of them at school and sporting events."
—60, Ohio
"As an older parent, it’s hard to make friends with other moms. For the most part, they are at least a decade, often two decades younger than I am, and in an entirely different stage of life. I have an established career as well as two young kids — they don’t get that."
—43, Arizona
8."Most of it's true: I have more patience and money than if I'd had a kid in my twenties, but I'm tired and my back hurts. I still haven't figured it all out yet, and I'm still not where I want to be career-wise. There are lots of people who are older like me and have kids, but I still feel some stigma."
—45, Colorado
9."I had my one and only two weeks before I turned 38. I assumed that it would be easier since I was older and that I would have more patience. Wrong. It's harder. I'm tired all the time. Turns out I don't have the patience. My daughter is 10 now, and if I was younger, I probably would have more energy."
—48, California
"It's not easier. I was 38, my husband was 46. I had heart surgery due to pregnancy issues when she was six months old. May complications. Fast-forward and I had colon cancer, liver cancer, a stroke, and my beloved husband died of a terrible disease. It's been rough on her — two older, sickly parents. I wish I had started sooner. I'm too ill to give her a sibling. I couldn't adopt — too sick for two kids — and there are too many bills."
10."I had my two and only children at ages 42 and 44. The biggest things for me that no one warned me about were that I'm going through perimenopause while my kids are toddlers and I'm taking care of my stepdad at his end of life. Hormones have been out of whack for years and will continue. No 'help' from parents because they are just too old. I haven't been on a date with my husband in six years."
"We're trying to save for our retirement and the kids' college. But being a parent is just hard; we're all doing our best."
11."The hardest part of being an older parent has been the judgment of some younger parents. It still shocks me how insensitive some folks can be. I've had people tell me that my decision to have a child at my age (45) was somehow unfair to my child. Never mind that he wouldn't have existed in the first place had I not decided to wait. Personally, I feel that I'm a much better parent now than a younger me would have been."
"Some people mature earlier than I did and do better as younger parents, but that wasn't me. I'm glad I waited and ecstatic that my son is here!"
12."That it will be harder in general! It is easier. My wife and I are in our 40s and just had our first child who is now 14 months old. It's actually easier because of life experience. We know more as older adults so we don’t lose it over small things we saw our younger friends do when they had children 15 years ago."
"In addition to that, since we lived our life in our 20s and 30s, we don’t have any FOMO. So, staying home on a Friday or Saturday is fun and enjoyable because we did the bar scene and are happy to do family night now."
—43, New Jersey
13."One thing I hadn't realized about having a baby in my later 30s was trying to reconcile where my husband and I are in life as opposed to our family and friends. Many family members are older now, and they cannot help in meaningful ways due to illness or simply because of the changes that come with aging. Many of our friends either had kids a long time ago and are now almost empty-nesters or have gone childless and are enjoying the freedoms that come with that. I don't regret having my son, but not having people around who are in similar situations makes us feel more alone."
"We try to make other parent friends, but so many of them are younger and have plenty of family and friends to help."
14."Expectation: Your child will make you so happy that you will wish you had them when you were younger. Reality: I thank God everyday that I waited until I was ready to meet this new person — my child — and not expect them to fulfill my happiness."
—43, Missouri
15."I'm glad we waited as a couple because we have a great foundation built to fall back on when times get hard. I can't imagine going through this all with someone I didn't have such a solid relationship with. I had our son at 38, and it was the exact right time for me and my husband as a couple. I could never have had a child in my 20s. I was still learning who I was as a person, and I didn't have the emotional maturity to be the parent I am today."
"I'm far from perfect, but realistically, it's hard to keep your emotions in check in a tough moment and support your child's growth."
And finally...
16."Had my one and only at 42. I am 47 with an almost 5-year-old, and I don't regret it. I was able to live life freely in my younger years — enjoy college-travel and much more. Being an older parent, I'm more stable with my own home and income, and I have no bills, so I can afford things. I can give my child things I didn't have growing up — like swim lessons and summer camps. My child doesn't have everything given to him, but I can do for him what my mom couldn't for me."
"My child keeps me active and helps me care for myself more because I want to be around as long as possible. Before having a child, I didn't care much about longevity. I don't even indulge in alcohol anymore! Love being an older parent!"
Fellow older parents, what are some other misconceptions about having kids later in life? Share your thoughts in the comments below, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
