My partner can't stop talking about his awful colleague. Is he in love with her?
Does your partner always complain about someone at work? Someone they hate because they're "so annoying?" TikTok users think that means they harbor secret feelings for that person. But is that actually true?
"You know that person that he hates at work? That he talks about because he hates her because she's 'so annoying' … and she's 'so mean and so annoying.' He likes her," influencer Margarita Nazarenko declared in a video that's hit more than 2.2 million views. The comments are brutal: "My ex is married to the 'ugly annoying' coworker now," one commenter says. "My ex has a baby with his annoying coworker," another replies.
Therapists say while it's easy to get caught up with worries like these, a conversation with your partner is always the first step if a viral catch-all like this resonates with you. Here's what they suggest doing if you feel concerned that your partner may have feelings for someone they complain about.
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'A good time to review boundaries'
"Be honest and upfront by saying something like, 'I notice you talk more about this coworker than your other coworkers. Even though you complain about this person, I feel a little uncomfortable. Can we talk about it?'" advises Amy Morin, psychotherapist, author of "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do" and the host of a podcast.
She also recommends you listen without making accusations. "Your partner may explain that they are just venting and aren't actually romantically attracted to the other person."
This may also serve as "a good time to review boundaries. You might discuss what would help you to feel more comfortable, like not contacting that coworker outside of office hours. And what you'd want your partner to do if they thought this person was flirting with them."
Trust is key to make any relationship work, "so it's essential to show that you trust your partner, unless they've given you reason not to."
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Assumptions 'can wreak havoc in a relationship'
Other experts agree with Morin's approach to trust in a relationship.
"One of the most common issues that can wreak havoc in a relationship are assumptions," says Chase Cassine, licensed clinical social worker. If someone says they're working late for some reason, "you might believe they're having an affair and believe they're lying because in a previous relationship they experienced this with a former partner." This type of "toxic behavior" could destroy a relationship for no reason.
"There is always a risk that their worst fear will be realized," adds Laura Petiford, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "But even if that is the case, it is better to know and have an opportunity to address the situation. And if one partner is finding that they are feeling insecure consistently despite reassurance, it could benefit the couple to seek therapy and see what might be contributing to the pattern."
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Relationship advice: Is my partner in love with a colleague?
