19 People Who Settled In Relationships For Better Or Worse, For Richer Or Poorer
We asked the BuzzFeed Community, "If you're someone who 'settled' in a relationship, how do you feel about your partner today?"
They revealed some pretty eye-opening and harsh truths that made me speechless. They gave deep insight into what it truly means to "settle" in a partnership, and the pros and cons of it all.
So, here's what they had to say:
Note: Some stories include topics of domestic abuse. Please proceed with caution.
1."I 'settled' and I'm good in life, but not happy. To be honest, I'm not even sure the romantic, infatuated love that I envisioned actually exists. I'm terrified of the dating world to ever try again. I've been with my husband for 14 years (married for three). We were in high school when we met, and he cheated many times — physically, with gross amounts of messages, secret emails, etc. I hated him for many years, and in a sense, I still hold some hate for him all of these years later. It never truly goes away. You can forgive, but memories pop up. He's apologized profusely, and we've had deep conversations about it, concluding that he is so far removed from who he used to be and had severe issues in his life."
"We got pregnant nearly three years into our relationship, and that held us together (we were determined to be good parents). We went through college together, bought a home, and eventually got married — but I didn't feel the magic even then."
2."When I met my husband, he was in loads of debt and stuck in a tiny apartment he was never going to move out of. Now we have a beautiful house and a gorgeous child, and he finally has his dream job. I love him but I haven't been in love with him for years. I stay because I feel responsible for him. He tells me he can't live without me constantly. I just focus on my child and try to make the best of it. It could be worse."
—Anonymous
3."He had all of the traits I wanted in a significant other, but I just wasn’t attracted to him in that way. I tried convincing myself that it was because he was genuinely a good guy, but I was flat-out lying to myself. We'd kiss and I'd feel nothing. Cuddling? Nothing. Hanging out? Nothing. I thought my feelings would grow, and they just never did (Trust me: I WANTED to like him)."
"He was so genuine, and all of my friends were telling me he was good for me, but my heart just wasn't in it. If you're thinking about 'settling' (ESPECIALLY after getting your heart broken), don't. I didn't like him for who he was as a person: I liked him because he was nice and convenient. Just don't 'settle' — you don't have feelings for them for a reason. You'll just end up wasting everyone's time."
—Anonymous
4."I 'settled' big time but not because of looks. He was very good-looking and well-educated but a straight-up jerk right from the get-go. He held grudges, was jealous and always mad about something, had terrible road rage, and held EVERYTHING over my head (including anyone he knew I went on a date with before I even met him). Almost 10 years into the relationship, he was still raging at me about someone I dated before him, and I just had enough. I spent the entire marriage managing his emotions and never once thought about my own."
"I had terrible self-esteem when I met him and let him use me as his emotional punching bag for way too long because I thought he was all I could 'get.' Reader: Try not to make my mistake — being alone is WAY better than being with someone who doesn't even like you. I'm now in therapy and with a man who actually loves me and cares about how I feel."
—Anonymous
5."I got married when I was 28, and we divorced five years later. I loved him at the time, but during my marriage, I did feel like I was just 'settling.' Did I start to resent him? I don't know, but I could not be with him anymore. There weren't any hard feelings once the papers were signed, but I know I broke his heart, and that's something I have to live with. As I got older and lived on my own, I met my now-partner, and he and I are what I feel a marriage should be. Maybe I just wasn't mature enough for one back then and did what my other friends were doing because I was of a certain age (and being a woman, you get that stigma put on you). I'm much happier now. I don't know how he's doing — we don't talk. He still lives nearby, but I never see him. He doesn't see me, either. I wish nothing but the best for him."
—Anonymous
6."I definitely 'settled' for my boyfriend at first. I had a rough patch a few years ago and really wanted support from a partner. We were already platonic friends before and we morphed into a 'friends with benefits' situation after he offered to let me crash in his spare bedroom because I was between apartments. We were 'friends with benefits' for a loooong time — I didn't want to commit because he wasn't my type, and I thought I was 'out of his league.' After a year or so, I realized he was my perfect match — I asked him out on Valentine's Day 2019 (I'm a hopeless romantic), and the rest is history!"
"We’ve been together ever since, and we are so happy. We match each other's weird energy, and we care about each other so much (we've even started talking about getting married, and I am looking forward to my future with him).
The moral of the story: Dating leagues are dumb!!! We are not meant to be put in boxes (especially based on our appearance), and I'm so glad I don't think like that anymore."
—Anonymous
7."I was scared to come out — so when I was 17, I started dating this guy. I never thought it would turn into anything, but all of a sudden, we had been together for over five years and were living together. He was a good guy, and I was close to his family. Our relationship was about as good as it could be, given that I felt guilty and miserable every single day. I had 100% accepted that this was my life, and that was that. All of a sudden, he broke up with me out of the blue (he called me a few weeks later in tears, asking for forgiveness). It was like a switch flipped, and I knew I could never go back. I had been given permission to be free. I came out to my parents the following month and to the rest of the world two months after that. My world changed overnight! I had no idea just how heavy the weight that I had been carrying on my shoulders was until it was gone. I am a freer, happier soul!"
—Anonymous
8."I think there was a time when my dad really did love my mom, but I know my mom was never in love with him. She tried (boy, did she TRY). I think she loved him but was never in love, butterflies, can't eat, can't sleep kind of love. My grandma was extremely depressed and an alcoholic after she lost her son back to back, and a lot of that was taken out on my mother and aunt. My grandma said the only way they were allowed to leave her house was if they got pregnant and/or married. So, my mom chose marriage to the first guy she saw, which was my dad. He was a means to an end, unfortunately. My mom 'settled' to save herself from my grandma's abuse."
9."We're college sweethearts and have been together for over 13 years today (we aren't married). I 'settled' because the dating world sucks — it's been good with my partner, but things change after so many years of being partnered. I feel stuck with my partner, as dating life is atrocious, and everyone else around us is getting married and starting their own families. So, here we are, annoying each other, 13 years strong."
—Anonymous
10."I had a daughter with my ex. During COVID, we spent a lot of time together — and then I got pregnant with him again. I figured I had two kids with him now, and I settled into getting married. I never really loved him, but it felt like that was the right thing to do. I guess he settled, too, because one year into our marriage, he was having an affair with a coworker, and I was three months pregnant with our third baby. Two kids under two years old now. We are divorced now, and I don't feel trapped anymore. I have dated and seen there are so many great men out there, and all he brought was being the father to my firstborn and now father to all three of my kids. Other than that, he did not have anything else to offer but I thought him being their dad was good enough. He wasn't even a good dad."
11."I settled in my early twenties and accepted a proposal from someone I didn't really love because he was super into me. My entire family (who all got married young) insisted I'd want someone like him by the time I was 30. It was so ingrained in me that I'd have to lock down a 'decent guy' super young because that was my only chance. Breaking up with him a few years later crushed him, but it was the right thing to do, and of course, we both moved on."
"I met the right person 15 years later, and we got married when I was 40. Happily, ever after, no settling required :)."
12."I wouldn’t say I settled, but I definitely prioritized certain traits over others when deciding to marry. I think she would say the same if she were the type of person to admit it. I’m not perfectly happy, but I do think I’m living my best outcome. We’re committed to making a life together."
13."I 'settled' for my fiancé. I regret nothing. We get each other, we're on the same wavelength, and we even enjoy the same humor. He definitely doesn't have 'Hollywood looks' or a 'prestigious job' like I was hoping for in my early twenties, but he's got the ambition to get wherever he needs and a relaxed, easygoing attitude to counter my more fiery nature. He's the yin to my yang, and I'm grateful."
—libm
14."I was in a long relationship where I definitely settled because I thought that being with a 'good guy' was enough. And the older you get, the less excitement or butterflies or whatever you're supposed to feel because that's just how it goes. But that's not true at all. I'm now thankfully married to a guy where I absolutely feel all those things and more in the beginning. Of course, after being together for eight years now, these feelings have evolved into something less exciting and a more calm love. But I can genuinely say I have never loved anyone else as much as my husband."
15."Now I feel a bit better about breaking it off with a dude who, on paper, is everything I could've wanted (especially after being in a decade-long emotionally abusive relationship). On paper, he was incredibly kind, smart, emotionally balanced, working on himself, had his own house, and was progressive, funny, and sweet). Damn, it was everything, but I felt nothing. Literally 'The Way I Loved You' by Taylor Swift would play in my head whenever we hung out because the lyric 'he can't see the smile I'm faking/and my heart's not breaking/'cause I'm not feeling anything at all' — ughhh, it was so true 😭."
16."I met my husband at 17 (I'm now 35, and we've been married for 13 years). We were always thrown together on dates with my friend and his, whose relationship lasted only one month. By then, I’d accepted the pattern and agreed to settle because we were both leaving for college soon. In the following years, I realized I’d loved him deeply all along. Our relationship was atypical in that it didn’t begin with fiery passion. But that’s what made us value our love even more. I had a doubt that I’d settled for a while because our love didn’t begin with that completely dependent 'passion' that most describe and rely on to define 'true love.' But what I finally get now is our independence allowed our love to flourish."
"We are so devoted to each other and will never falter. We understand we’re separate people and can’t be defined by our togetherness — our togetherness just adds to our love of who we are independently.
And while I see other dependent relationships fail, ours is strong and our passion still grows. No regrets."
17."My husband and I are eleven and a half years apart, and I met him on an online dating app when I was 27 and he was 39. He came with nine-year-old triplets and his divorce wasn’t finalized yet. I thought, 'Wow, this guy is so far below the bar of what I want.' But I happened to be visiting family across the country when he messaged me so I could figure out if he was worth meeting in person. Well, those two weeks revealed that he is certainly everything I need/want in a spouse. We were married six months later and just welcomed a baby boy last month! Some people say I settled because of his 'baggage' and age, but everyone has 'baggage,' and you need to see through theirs AND yours."
"Marriages and all kinds of relationships are hard work, and if you feel like you’ve 'settled,' then you should try to get out fast because it’s not worth it. If friends and family say you’ve settled, but you love your partner and don’t think you did, then SCREW THEM!!! Your relationship, your life."
18."I was with my boyfriend for 10 years when we broke up (it went on for six years too long). I had to decide whether I was content being 'comfortable' and 'safe' or whether I didn't want to just be 'okay.' We broke up, and I had another short relationship, but now I’m alone, so I don’t know whether it was a good thing for me or not. On the plus side, he’s married now, and I’m so glad he’s in a fulfilling relationship ♡."
19.And finally, "They say to marry a man who loves you more than you love him, and that's what I found with my ex-husband (spoiler!). He was good enough in the beginning, but as the years went on, the difference in intellect and thirst for life were too big to overcome. I 'settled' for him, he 'settled' into a routine of complacency, and it broke us."
—Anonymous
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
