People Who Got Divorced After A Decadeslong Marriage Are Sharing The Last Straw That Made Them End It

Marriage is hard work, and maintaining a healthy, lasting relationship can be tough. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes decades to realize no matter what you do, it just isn't going to work out. Recently, I asked the BuzzFeed Community to share what made them finally choose to end their long marriage. Here are a few of their heartbreaking stories.

Note: This post contains mentions of abuse, addiction, and suicide.

1."I was married for 35 years, and I found out my spouse had a double financial life with hidden bank accounts and credit cards. He was self-employed and earned so much more than he had shared with me. I paid more than 50 percent of the expenses, and he kept $500k+ for himself."

2."I was married for 30 years to a man who was a serial cheater. Before we had our only child, I put up with that, thinking it would stop. Maybe I got complacent in paying attention to the signs, but after our daughter left home for college, the ugly truth reared its head. There was evidence of cheating once again, and I stayed another three years before I found out. It's been five years since the divorce, and I couldn't be happier. The funny thing is his new partner reached out to me wanting some information on him. Like honey, you were cheating with a married man, and I owe you nothing! Good luck with that!"

—Anonymous, 63, Canada

3."I was married to my high school sweetheart. We were together for 24 years and married for 22. The kids were growing up and not needing the same level of hands-on parenting. She got into an emotional affair with someone new in her work life. I called her out on it and she tried to deny it. For the next six weeks, she continued to have an inappropriate relationship with this guy she only knew for a few months. She would lie about seeing or talking to him. The final straw was when I caught her walking into his house with an overnight bag. She told me she was going to be at her aunt's house two hours away. She either wasn't smart enough to turn off her location or wanted to get caught. Three years later, I'm still trying to figure out how to fall out of love with her, and she is already living with an entirely different man that she left me for."

4."I had put up with enough bullshit: cheating, lying, stealing, and so much gaslighting. The kids were grown, and I realized there was no reason for me to keep staying in a situation with someone who made me miserable. Should I have left earlier? Financially, no. Once the children were grown, if I had to struggle financially, that was fine and worth the freedom."

—poeticmule208

5."He cheated after 19 years of marriage with my best friend. And that's not even why I ended it. I realized, after trying to work through his infidelity and lack of communication, that I was the only one working on things. After six painful months of blaming myself for what happened, I realized that I was trying to solve a problem that I did not create, and he was letting me. I suddenly had clarity that our whole marriage had been a pattern of me fixing everything while he did his own thing and took no accountability for anything. That's when I realized it was over and had been for a long time."

6."I was actually part of a throuple with a couple that had been married for 20 years. We dated for the last five years of their marriage. From the outside, they seemed perfect, but they had a lot of issues that were pushed under the rug and never dealt with. They had been together since high school and were just going through the motions and checking off milestones. We started dating because the wife had fallen in love with me, and the husband thought his wife having a girlfriend would be awesome."

"After about a year, we became a throuple. The wife was an emotional roller coaster and had serious self-confidence issues. The husband was shocked that a relationship didn't have to be so hard and dramatic. He didn't know anything else.

They started fighting a lot, and I tried to mediate and help them work through things, but the wife wouldn't change or compromise on anything; It was her way or the highway. If I didn't side with her on issues, there would always be hell to pay because of it.

The husband ended up leaving and moving in with his parents, and the wife blamed everyone, especially me, for it. He went back a couple of times to make it work, but she refused to take any blame for the issues and would have a list of things she said he needed to fix to make her happy in the marriage.

After six months of no communication, he got ahold of me, and we went on our first date, just us. We have been married for 10 years and are soul mates. There is a lot of focus on communication and working through issues."

—Anonymous, 45, North Carolina

7."We had been married for 18 years. We had a lot of good times, but the bad times were becoming more frequent, and the fights (yelling) were off the charts. When I would round a corner and see his car in the driveway, my whole body would cringe, knowing that WWIII was imminent. I didn't even want to walk in the house. We visited my mother-in-law frequently, and I saw how horribly unhappy she was. One day, I said to myself, that's not going to be me. At that point, I never engaged in another fight and told him shortly after that I wanted out. We both deserve to be happy."

8."After 10 years of marriage, my husband was diagnosed with MS. We fought as a couple for another 10 years, then it all went downhill. He became mean, angry, and impossible to live with. I tried for another two years, but it just kept getting worse. When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer a year ago, I realized that life was short. I feel bad for not wanting to stay in my marriage 'in sickness and in health,' but he stopped treating me like a spouse, a partner, or someone he loved. It was too much for me, and I had to end it."

—Brandi, 54, Massachusetts

9."I was married for 26 years. Just before the Great Recession, my husband decided to become an over-the-road trucker and purchased a semi. Our sons were going into 7th grade and needed their father around, but he did this regardless. The recession, combined with quite a few financial mistakes he made, brought us many financial hardships. Some years, he only sent about $4,000 to support the family. I worked full time, but my law firm bonuses were no longer coming in to supplement my low salary, so I'd had to withdraw savings, which had come from past bonuses, not only to support the family but also to pay his business obligations, of which there were many."

10."After being married for 24 years (somewhat unhappily), I inherited just over $1.2 million. Within a matter of weeks, my husband was spending money on dumb, frivolous stuff, insisting I treat him to restaurant meals at least four times a week, telling everyone he was going to retire early and let his wife look after him, etc. As if that weren't bad enough, he started treating me like a subservient cash cow, actually trying to order me around and telling me 'the way it is.' Fortunately, the kids were grown and moved out, so I left his jerk self and took my sweet money with me. Inheritances don't get included in a divorce, so he got none of them. This was eight years ago. Last I heard, he is still working and is very, very bitter about it, even though he's not even close to retirement age. Me? I invested, kept working for another five years, and now live happily off my investment income, traveling and living my best life."

—Ann, 56, Canada

11."After 23 years of marriage and four children, I divorced my husband. He was my high school sweetheart. He considered himself the 'provider' and, therefore, did absolutely nothing around the house or help with the children. I always worked part-time and was the cook, chauffeur, cleaner, and full-time parent. Towards the end of my marriage, my ex was constantly out at the bar, getting high, and was emotionally abusive and absent. Everything was my fault. He was not present at most family events, had temper tantrums, and blamed me for everything. He wasn't a nice person. I think he liked the look of being married with a family, but that was it. Of course, he doesn't believe his actions were the reason for the demise."

12."We had a long dating history and a fairly challenging marriage, but I really thought we were in love. After many years, my husband decided to return to college to change careers despite having two master's degrees and a six-figure salary. He had little to no consideration for me or our two children and repeatedly told me that we should 'support his dreams' at any cost. He went to an out-of-state school for a three-year program, which stretched into four years. I worked full-time, raised our children, paid every bill, and generally managed everything. There was definitely resentment building."

"During year three of his program, he literally stopped calling and texting me about anything besides his need for money or something related to the children; these communication deserts sometimes lasted for two or three weeks.

I asked him to consider counseling (virtual) and expressed my difficulty maintaining the marriage and supporting him without the bare bones of a relationship. He consistently replied that he was 'too busy' to give me attention and even accused me of sabotaging his studies.

One day, after yet another span of two weeks with no contact, I just decided that I was done. We had been married almost 20 years, and I finally knew that I had endured more than enough of the joke that was our 'marriage.' 

I am so happy I finally filed for divorce. His metaphorical Pikachu face of surprise was the most ridiculous thing ever."

—Anonymous, 45, Pennsylvania

13."I planned a family weekend for my birthday since our children live in different states. I made reservations, grocery shopped, and cooked the whole weekend, including buying a birthday cake for myself. The kids reheated, prepared homemade meatballs, and made pasta, plus did the dishes at my birthday dinner. When everyone was giving me gifts after dinner, he told me he had a card for me, but it was in the car. The next day, he gave me the card when I was packing up. Twenty-four years of dedicating my life to him and his career, and I realized I was done."

14."His 'quirks' of going from one obsession/interest/hobby to the next over a 30-year span ended up culminating in a significant gambling obsession and addiction. The lies and losses were insurmountable when he wouldn't seriously work on his problem. I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did, but more importantly, I should have trusted my gut the night before the wedding. I am now living my best life on one income instead of always being broke with two incomes. Go figure."

—Anonymous

15."He was emotionally and mentally abusive. I was having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts and decided to take care of my mental health. I started feeling better mentally and was becoming my fun social self again. One evening, after going out to dinner, he turned to me and said that he liked me better before I started taking my medication. I immediately started crying and asked him if he realized that he had just said that he liked me more when I hated myself and was thinking about dying. He got mad that I was upset and yelled at me. Even after talking about that comment several times in the following weeks, he never apologized or tried to make it better; he just said that I took it wrong and that my getting better made it hard on him because he was used to me the other way. I started planning my exit then. We would have celebrated our 18th anniversary in the next few weeks."

16."I never came first. I had to always fight for my place over his mother. If she wanted us to do something, he would always do what she wanted, even if we decided not to together. They are an enmeshed family. Eventually, mental health and addiction finished us off. So we probably divorced much sooner due to addiction. If it weren't for that, I probably would have stuck it out until the kids were older."

—Anonymous, 43

17."My wife and I had started three manufacturing businesses during COVID. Sadly, they all failed. It took a huge hit on me mentally. I was diagnosed with severe depression. My wife did nothing to help and said that she wanted to move on and have fun. So, she did nothing to help me with my depression and moved out last year. When I thought the worst was over, she gave over $9k to a man online who was a scam because she 'was in love with him.' Just this month, I found emails that showed that she had relationships with the president of my three companies and was also in a relationship with his best friend. Those two men are married as well. The president's wife and my wife were best friends while she was doing this. The worst part is that I still care about her and want to help her even though I can never trust her again."

18."After 30 years of marriage, I realized I deserved to be happy and that I didn't deserve emotional and financial abuse at the hands of a narcissist. When I figured out he had a boyfriend on the side, that was it. When I told him it was over, he tried to make me feel I was the selfish one for leaving! Two years later, I'm living in peace and joy, and my home is calm. I wish I'd left years ago. I would love to have a life partner for the next season of life (I am 64), but it's okay if I never find one. I'm so grateful to be out of that toxic relationship."

—Anonymous, 64, Utah

If you feel comfortable sharing your divorce story after a long marriage, comment below. You can also fill out this form to remain anonymous.

Note: Some responses have been edited for length/clarity.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org. The Trevor Project, which provides help and suicide-prevention resources for LGBTQ youth, is 1-866-488-7386.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.

If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and find more resources here.