The holidays can be stressful. How can parents cope?

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Amidst twinkling lights, cozy moments and the smell of freshly baked cookies, parents can find themselves caught in a whirlwind of to-do lists and the quest to make the festive season perfect for their kids.

But it's that expectation of wanting the holidays to be perfect that’s a major source of stress for parents, says Nikki Martyn, a parenting and children expert.

Children 'don't necessarily understand' parents' stress

"Parents need to remember that it's the experiences of sharing love and having fun that matter, not the stuff," Martyn says. She's the program head of early childhood studies at the University of Guelph-Humber in Ontario.

Martyn explaines things like Christmas decorations or dinners don't have to look a certain way because it may put unnecessary pressure on children.

"If parents are normally easygoing, sometimes under stress they might get more rigid or get angry," she says. "And children don't necessarily understand what the pressure is and the change it causes."

She says it might be a good idea to have the children help around the house so they can feel like they're part of the festive season, or be given a fun activity to do on the side so that parents can have time to focus on a task — or even grab some much needed alone time.

"Just explain that you're feeling stressed and need a break," Martyn points out.

Extended families can add an extra dose of stress

Another source of stress parents experience, Martyn says, is extended families coming together — especially if you don't see them frequently.

"Sometimes that can be really stressful on parents, especially if there's past relationship issues or difficulties, but you're trying to be all nice and positive because you want this loving, wonderful holiday," she explains. "But there's this underlying feeling."

To cope, Martyn says parents need to be kind to themselves and "not have to worry about perfection or getting something absolutely right," be it with dinners, picking presents or people.

"What kids will carry with them as they grow up is the feeling they felt during Christmas," she says. "That they felt connected and that they loved wearing the clothes or had fun watching a movie or making cookies... It's that feeling we remember and we associate it with traditions," she added.

Rising costs of 'everything' add to the pressure

Martyn acknowledges the financial pressure and stress parents face in 2023. "The world is very expensive right now. And there is this idea that we have to buy stuff to share love. And what I would say to parents is: it's not about the stuff, it's about having the child feel seen," she says.

Dr. Simon Sherry, a clinical psychologist at CRUX Psychology, and professor in the department of psychology and neuroscience at Dalhousie University, echoes the same sentiment. In a press release, he says "everyone is stressing about affording the perfect gift for everyone on their list. This pressure is especially present this year amid rising inflation."

"Everything is more expensive right now, from the turkey for dinner to the stocking stuffers," he writes. "Parents are worried their kids will be unsatisfied with their gifts, hosts are worried guests will enjoy the meal, and neighbours are worried about being the best lit up house on the street."

He also says there's a lot of pressure to make Christmas "the most wonderful time of the year" and that sometimes the "ideal" Christmas people imagine and work for isn't what they actually get, which might leave Canadians feeling disappointed and anxious.

"Science suggests happy holidays are not about perfection, but connection," he explains.

Martyn adds, whatever the gift may be, what matters is that somebody has put the effort into thinking of the child's needs and desires, and to have them know they are valued.

"We want to give them the experience of opening up a gift and knowing that somebody has them in mind," she says.

What can parents do to de-stress during the holidays?

If you're feeling overwhelmed, Martyn has some advice.

She says parents need to be reminded to take care of themselves and to reduce their pressure by recognizing it's OK if things look or feel a little messy. "What's most important is that we're all feeling connected, happy and joyful."

Tips on reducing stress:

• Practice self-care: Martyn and Harvard Health Publishing recommend parents to manage their own stress by trying to set aside time for themselves to do something relaxing or to get enough sleep.

• Keep routines the same: It is not recommended to have kids stay up late throughout the holidays because kids do best when routines are predictable and healthy.

• Set expectations: It is helpful to let kids know what they can and can't expect when it comes to vacation activities or gifts like saying "everyone gets one big but not break-the-bank gift."

• Keep kids active: Martyn recommends parents to give kids something to do, like asking them to help with baking, or as Harvard Health Publishing suggests, have them play outside or take them for walks.

• Teach open-mindedness: The American Psychological Association says parents need to initiate conversations with their kids about different holiday traditions or rituals that families, friends and others may celebrate, so that children can realize not everyone needs to be the same.