We Should All Try Having More Mirror Sex
Getty Images
Welcome to Doing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, they explore the underrated experience of having sex or masturbating in front of a mirror.
Mirrors changed my sex life. It was a massive turning point in my own sexual healing journey to finally be able to look at my vulva without cringing. I know, I know. I have a sex column. I'm supposed to be super sexually liberated. But if I could get vulnerable for a second, I absolutely hated (a strong word, but it felt true) the way my labias looked. My vulva looked the complete opposite from what I saw in porn. I was so embarrassed by how they looked that, despite enjoying oral sex, I would decline it because it meant having someone else’s eyes on my vulva.
These types of feelings are, unfortunately, not uncommon. “Societal pressure and mainstream media portrayals play huge roles in shaping one’s comfort,” says holistic sex therapist Emily Fitzpatrick. “These structures decide what bodies are ‘allowed’ pleasure. It centers white, cis, thin, heterosexual, young, and able-bodied people. It sets up an impossible standard and is designed to make people feel uncomfortable, inadequate, and isolated.”
Body image is intrinsically linked with sexuality. Psychologists have found that women with negative body image issues were more likely to be self critical of their genitals, which can lead to poor sexual functioning and reduced pleasure.
I found it incredibly sexually freeing to masturbate while looking at my reflection in the mirror.
In an effort to get over my own genital image issues, I decided to create a fully immersive experience for myself: one that involved holding a mirror between my legs and taking a look at my vulva. No filters, no edits, just the raw image and reflection of my labias. Intending to make this a regular practice, I would take time before a shower to take a look at myself. I made it my mission to really know my vulva: the nature of my grooves, the hair textures, the colors, the smells. The more I looked at the mirror, the more I became familiar with, and soon felt kindly towards, my vulva. Eventually, I went one step further and found it incredibly sexually freeing to masturbate while looking at my reflection in the mirror. Affirming the parts of my body that I felt insecure about through the use of a mirror allowed me to gain more confidence in the bedroom.
Acceptance-Based Mirror Exposure is a behavioral technique used by therapists to help people with eating disorders addressing their body image issues. It involves having the client look into the mirror and describing their body or clothes in a neutral and factually descriptive manner. This technique helps people face their fears and, by using neutral language, one can start to question their negative beliefs. As I found, it can help with certain types of anxiety around sex, too.
“It’s a good idea to engage in body gazing and embodiment in a non-sexual setting prior to jumping the fun and going straight to mirror sex,” Fitzpatrick says. “While mirror sex isn’t identified as an intervention, anecdotally, I think mirror sex could potentially support an individual’s relationship to their body in meaningful and restorative ways.”
At least one celebrity agrees: Earlier this year, Billie Eilish raved about masturbating in front of a mirror during an interview with Rolling Stone. “I have learned that looking at myself and watching myself feel pleasure has been an extreme help in loving myself and accepting myself,” she said. If you’re looking to get into mirror sex, start slowly by using a mirror during masturbation before bringing it into couple sex—and try to view it as a learning experience. Much like working out in front of a mirror can help you improve your form, I believe mirror sex can do the same. If you’re having a hard time with a particular position, it might be helpful to watch yourself trying it out in front of the mirror.
Once you’re ready to bring the mirror into the bedroom, giving your partner instructions to do things to you in a specific way as you watch them in the mirror is not only incredibly sexy but also educational. It can be incredibly validating to have them compliment your body out loud. You could even do this yourself: Try saying things like “I love the way my breasts look when you hold them like that” or “squeeze me right there.”
“There’s potential for the visual input of our bodies to ignite desire, erotic energy, and pleasure,” says Fitzpatrick. “Within the setting of solo mirror sex, one can see what they’re doing, and in the case of partnered sex, communicating one's preferred touch in great detail can increase sexual satisfaction.”
Billie and I aren’t the only ones who’ve found pleasure in our own reflections: I spoke to five people about how having mirror sex has changed their view of their bodies.
Cara, 24, Toronto
“I’ve grown to love viewing myself, almost like I am the object of a creative photo.”
I was curious about what I looked like having sex because when I saw intimate pictures of myself, I felt a bit conscious of how I looked. I sought out mirror sex so I could essentially create a mental image of myself having sex, almost like a repository. So in some ways, having sex in front of the mirror was intended to answer, “Wait, did I really look like that?”
In my previous relationship, we would often place mirrors in different areas of the room, at different angles, and honestly, using this method to have sex helped sustain my mostly long distance romance. I’ve grown to love viewing myself, almost like I am the object of a creative photo.
I’m single right now but I still look at myself in the mirror while masturbating because it helps me envision how I would look in a partnered situation. It definitely boosts my self-confidence and body image and I do think it makes one more acquainted with their own body and other people’s bodies which ultimately elevates the experience. 10 out of 10, would recommend!
Salina, 25, Dubai
“Mirror sex helped me embrace and appreciate aspects of my body that I might have previously overlooked.”
For me, mirror sex isn’t just about the act itself; it’s part of a larger lifestyle. I like to imitate fancy people. I use Chanel perfume, embrace the old-money aesthetics in my everyday looks and makeup, and so naturally, I decided to indulge in mirror sex which, according to me, is just another way for me to bring that sense of luxury into my personal life.
What drew me to it was the fact that the Burj Al Arab hotel suite rooms have mirrors on the ceiling of their master bedrooms. I was absolutely certain they put it there for couples to see themselves having sex, because the kids' room certainly didn’t have one!
I’ve also always been a butt person, and the only way to see a person’s butt in missionary, which is my favorite position, is through the ceiling mirror. It’s given me a new perspective on my partner’s body and helped me feel more horny during sex.
But mostly, having sex in front of a mirror has definitely made me more aware of my body, especially my facial expressions during sex, which I’ve always been curious about. It has helped me embrace and appreciate aspects of my body that I might have previously overlooked.
At the end of the day, it’s not just about the sex though for me; it’s about feeling good about my body in general and carrying that confidence with me in other areas of my life.
Reena, 25, Chicago
“The mirror for sex is solely for me to see his enjoyment.”
Initially, I wanted to have sex in front of the mirror because I wanted to understand exactly what my partner found attractive about me in certain positions. I have always been slightly insecure about my body and I'm almost always dumbfounded when my boyfriend never notices the little flaws that I point out to him.
We both enjoy multiple positions, but when I can't directly look him in the eyes in some positions, I'm curious about whether he actually likes it or not! I decided to use the mirror to investigate and as it turns out, I loved the experience.
We looked incredibly hot, and it helped me understand that he loves me for me. How my body looked didn’t really matter to him and honestly, it shouldn't matter to me all that much either.
Still, I love my body more now. I feel more confident overall wearing clothes without being picky about whether they show the shape of my little love handles, or if they make my arms seem slightly flabby. I still see things about my body in the mirror that I want to improve, but the feeling that I need to fix them is less pervasive. Now, the mirror for sex is solely for me to see his enjoyment.
Victoria, 24, London
“Despite enjoying mirror sex, it can sometimes trigger negative feelings about my body.”
During my teenage years, I was extremely skinny and often body-shamed by friends and family, leading to body image issues. Around the age of 17, I took nudes for the first time and shared them with someone who appreciated my body, which shifted my perspective.
Over time, I realized I was turned on by this. I started masturbating and taking nudes in front of a mirror, which eventually extended into the bedroom. This experience completely transformed how I viewed myself. Initially, it was strange seeing myself have sex, but it grew to be more comfortable and affirming. Despite my insecurity about my body, seeing how much my partner desired me helped shatter those negative beliefs.
While this has improved my self-image during sexual situations, it hasn't significantly changed how I feel about my body outside of them. I still struggle with body image issues, but in the bedroom, the confidence boost is undeniable.
I used to be very insecure about my breasts, thinking they were too small. However, seeing my partner appreciate them during mirror sex made me feel wanted and more confident. The visual aspect of this experience is powerful—there's a big difference between hearing someone telling you they like your body and actually seeing them enjoy it.
I do want to say that despite enjoying mirror sex, it can sometimes trigger negative feelings about my body. For instance, I once started criticizing my stomach during sex, which made me stop [having sex]. I’ve felt that this usually happens when I'm PMSing, so I avoid it during those times and re-engage only when I’m in a better mental headspace.
Carla, 40, New England
“Thinking about the look on his face while watching us in the mirror is a quick way to boost my self-esteem.”
The first time, my boyfriend and I rented an AirBnB that just so happened to have mirrors in the bedroom—one full length by the closet and one behind the bed. As soon as he saw them, he was grinning from ear to ear and I was clueless. I couldn't figure out why he was so excited.
I definitely felt self-conscious at first, but it wasn't the overriding feeling. Curiosity and excitement were more prominent but I was aware of how parts of my body were jiggling. I've nursed two children so these breasts are not as perky as they once were. They hang low and sometimes I'm very aware that without a bra they're closer to my belly button than my décolletage.
When we first did it, my eye naturally went to things I saw as imperfections. I was so aware of how they were bouncing around during our first round of mirror sex but he was absolutely in love with it. Like it was the first time he'd seen breasts. He was so turned on by what he was seeing, which turned me on like crazy.
I mentally had to slap myself and say, "Woman! Do you see the pure delight in this man's face?!?!? He's not seeing what you're seeing. He's seeing a goddamn goddess!"
It made me feel much more confident in my body because I could see how much pleasure it brought him to watch my body from new angles. Thinking about the look on his face watching us in the mirror is a quick way to boost my self-esteem anytime I'm feeling less than and it’s always a great reminder that I judge my body way harsher than anybody else. Heck, nobody else is judging my body but me.
Interviews have been edited and condensed for clarity.
More from Doing It:
What It's Like to Open Up Your Marriage
Originally Appeared on Allure
